I’m planning to take my future husbands last name when we get married. I think it’s symbolic and it’s something that he’s asked for as well, so I don’t mind doing it. We want kids and I like the idea of having a family name. My current last name doesn’t hold value, isn’t cultural or anything like that. I have a good relationship with my dad but this is really straining it.
My dad is personally offended by me taking on a new last name for whatever reason. He thinks it’s disrespectful to him that I would “throw away” his last name. I have brothers who would “carry on the name” anyways. My dad has been married multiple times and all of his wives have taken his last name. I know at least one kept her maiden name as her middle name, I don’t know about the others. Several women in my family have kept their maiden name either as a hyphen or a middle name, but I don’t really know how many.
As a compromise, my dad is willing to accept either a hyphenated last name or getting rid of my middle name and replacing it with my current last name. I don’t want to do this. In all honesty I find it silly, and I don’t like the sound of two last names. I want a “real” middle name and I like how my first and middle sound together. I really don’t care at all about my current last name. I’m not doing this to disrespect or slight him, it’s simply that I dont want two last names.
NTA. I really don’t understand your dad’s position here, given that his (ex)wives have taken his name, but in the end, it’s not his choice anyway. Choose what works for you and your family, and he can either get over it or be a pain.
NTA – I can guess why your father has multiple ex-wives.
You aren’t your father’s property. This is your decision, not his. There is no negotiation or compromise needed here.
Of course he’s a hypocrite in not asking the same of his former wives.
You took the words out of my mouth.
OP. You are not your father’s property Z you can do whatever you want to your name. He has sons, so this isn’t about carrying on the family name. It’s about control.
NTA if you’re grownup enough to marry, you’re grownup enough to decide what your name will be. Your father has no say. Why are you even involving him in the descision?
This. Why is what Control Dad is “willing to accept” even a consideration for something that’s none of his business?
LOL your dad has no say in what you do!! Take your soon to be Husbands last name and keep your middle name as it is… NTA
If you’re in the US just make sure you’re already registered to vote.
And have a passport!
NTA dad is TA and a controlling possessive A. His wives have to take his names but you’re not allowed to take your husband’s name because it’s disposing of HIS name. I bet if any of your brothers got married he’d also be offended if their wives did NOT take his name. In other words, more people can become part of his property but you’re not allowed to escape.
And “compromise”? Girl, I get that this is who you grew up with so I’m sure it’s well within his controlling behavior, but there is no compromise. There is no objections from him. He has no rights to your name. If he can’t care for and respect you as a human being unless you’re being obedient to him, cut him loose.
Edit to add: A good way to rile him up and get him to drop the issue because he’s losing the fight is to keep focusing your comments on logic and reason – literally use the words “logic” “rationale”, “reasonable” when speaking to him, like “you’re not making sense logically, I’m doing what you wanted all of your wives to do”, and refer to his demand as “sentimental” or “emotional” to have feelings over you changing your name. That sort of language will usually upset a man who’s being controlling.
NTA
What do you mean “as a compromise”? He’s your father not your owner, he doesn’t get to decide what you call yourself. His opinion doesn’t matter, don’t discuss this any further with him.
NTA
This is a weird, possessive thing he needs to get over. Don’t even humor him. Just say no. It’s absolutely none of his business and he has no say.
Do you really want your name to be a symbol of how you gave in to a tantrum?
NTA. Your father is a control freak. Ignore him, refuse to talk about it.
Go low contact if you have to until after the wedding.
NTA
This is entirely your choice and none of his business.
The whole “carrying on the family name” is an old fashioned thing. It’s a name. Who cares if it is “carried on”.
Again, entirely up to you. Not his business at all.
NTA. But if you’re in the US I would really carefully reconsider.