I 30f and partner is 32m, we have a 7 month old daughter. I am also recovering from a cold but I feel 50% better than what I did a few days ago.
He got promoted at work a few days ago and his friends invited him out to celebrate by getting after work drinks. I was so proud of him as he has been working so hard towards this goal, so I made him cupcakes and bought him a whole bunch of stuff from his Amazon wish list.
I have been going to pilates once a week in the evenings for a month now and go out to dinner or for a walk every now and then with my girlfriends (but mainly they come over) so I encouraged him to go and have fun. I have to preface here and say that we have an unspoken rule of ‘plans must be made in advance’ that has never really needed to be enforced. This is a new post baby rule. So I always make sure to ask if ok with him to solo parent for a few hours when I do my things.
The plan was for him to come home in time to feed baby dinner but he didn’t come home until an 1.5hrs after he promised he would. The guys all decided to get dinner afterwards. He did text me asking if he could but I didn’t have my phone with my and I was preoccupied making the baby food and also doing bath time. So he went anyway. I still felt rubbish and I was hungry as I hadn’t prepared my dinner.
I was admittedly really mad when he got home and raised my voice at him. He claimed he never goes out (but often comes home late from work), that I always go out and that he was celebrating a big thing and is now mad that I bought it up at all. So AITA for bringing it up?
Edit: to clarify he had already been out for 3 hours for drinks but came home after 4.5 hours.
Had this been planned in advance I would have cooked earlier in the day or ordered take out had I known he would not be home to do a few baby things so I could cook.
He has been coming home late from work approx once a week since baby was a month old. I’m pretty sick of it.
YTA – he was 1.5 hrs late and he texted you. Didn’t you try to reach him after half an hour and saw the text? And not even 2 hrs to celebrate a promotion is very tame and considerate.
Idk about asshole but not a great reaction to just having a dinner celebrating w friends..your child is 7m now not a newborn so this does feel a bit dramatized for him staying out “1.5 hours later than expected”. Just apologize
YTA. He did let you know. Maybe it would be ok to lighten up one time for a special occasion.
This is a “shit happens” but with a positive spin (a one-off, of sorts). Buying him gifts is not a replacement for allowing him joy. Pick your battles better, yta.
Very soft YTA.
I remember those days very well, and how I would count the minutes until my husband got home so that I could have food or a shower or just no one touching me for 30 minutes. That feeling is valid.
But this was a significant milestone for your partner and he did text you for permission. I think you know you needed to give more grace, but you just didn’t have it in you.
I sincerely hope that he’s off this weekend, and once you’ve gotten some genuine rest, you can have a good conversation with him. He had a major achievement, you were exhausted and underfed, this is a one-off situation and shouldn’t be a recurring problem. But do apologize.
Yeah, you’re being unreasonable. 1.5 hours isn’t very long, he did text you, and you apparently decided that even though he was late, you weren’t going to check your phone or text him to ask any questions. Sometimes unexpected events happen, and you have to roll with it, regardless of how you’re feeling. How about instead of yelling at him, you congratulate him for the promotion?
My mom taught me to pick my battles. This battle is NOT the one to pick.
Your partner communicated and you missed the notification. That is not his fault and he still made it home at a decent time.
Remember, he is celebrating a promotion, which will be a financial blessing to your household. Let it go.
YTA, I think you know why and you have come onto reddit to prove to him that you were right to make him feel bad even more.
If this is your attitude, I feel going forward that your child will never be able to have spontaneous fun with friends.
Spontaneous events in life are amazing and you have sucked the joy out of his promotion. You will definitely enjoy the pay bump.
Poor fella.
YTA, if it was a random night, or he was doing this all the time with social events, you’d have a point, but you knew he was out celebrating a promotion, AND he texted you and you ignored it. The fact you are also blaming him for coming home from WORK late tells me everything I needed about you
I have to pile on…YTA. Not everything can be planned perfectly in advance. If you’re annoyed that he’s coming home late from work, that’s a separate issue that you should talk about separately.
YTA
“Unspoken rule” is crap first off, if it’s not a spoken/agreed upon rule, then it’s a courtesy at best, and an unexpressed expectation at worst.
This also doesn’t sound like it’s a thing he does regularly (going out after work with friends is NOT the same as coming home late from work), and in the grand scheme 1.5hrs for a special occasion really isn’t that terrible.
He also did try to reach you to let you know about the shifting plans. It seems there was another unexpressed expectation that if he didn’t hear back from you, he should assume the answer is “no, come home”
YTA. Honestly, a huge one IMO. He’s right: You’re taking “you” time several times a week, and it sounds like he never does. He tried to text you about extending the time, and it’s not a big deal if he took a little social time once while you do it regularly.
The biggest reason you’re an AH is that there a couple of points in the post where you seem to equate him coming home late from work as an abuse of you. Your concluding line in particular: “He has been coming home late from work approx once a week since baby was a month old. I’m pretty sick of it.”
Sick of it? First of all, it’s only once a week. Secondly, I doubt your husband is enjoying it very much either. I get that young kids can make you tired and run you ragged, but you need to get it through your head that work is not playtime. He’s out supporting your family. That doesn’t count as his down time.
FYI: Unspoken rules are not rules. You either have a rule which have been discussed and agreed upon by both parties, or there is no rule.
Your husband is allowed to have attend a spontaneous celebration of his promotion with his friends. Could the timing have been better? Sure. His employer could have waited until next year, or 5 years, to promote him. Would that have been better for you???
YTA – and I hardly ever say that. I’m going to skip over the comments that everyone else has made (because I agree with most of them) and mention one thing.
You say you have been going out once a week for Pilates and then additionally have either met up with or had friends over occasionally as well.
From your own post, you say that your husband never goes out, has been working late once a week (which probably contributed to his new promotion) and you are “pretty sick of it.”
Just think on that for a second – you go out once a week for Pilates. He stays late at work once a week and gets grief for it.
Additionally, the one time his does go out, to celebrate something he worked hard for, he did try and check with you and is rewarded by being yelled at when he got home.
I think you owe your husband an apology.