(Throwaway account). I(24f) and my brother(27m) are currently wfh hence staying with our parents.
The other day for dinner I felt like eating something light so I decided to make myself chicken sandwiches. Mind you there was a proper dinner made. Usually whenever I make something I make it for the whole family. I was hungry and wanted a quick meal and just as I had prepared all the ingredients that is chopping veggies etc, my mom pops by and asks me to prepare some for my brother too.
Now this made me a bit angry as i had prepared only enough for me and I was done with expectations of always making something for everyone even though I wanted to eat something by myself as no one(my brother) helps in the prep or while cooking or atleast doing the dishes. Mind you he does cook once in a blue moon for the family but it’s rare. But if he wants to eat by himself he never asks anyone else or me if they wanted to eat too (mom isn’t this)
Now my brother didn’t say anything or such (we don’t have a good relationship and rarely talk) the problem is my mom. She said I was selfish for not making any sandwiches for my brother(which he is well capable to do in his own) and made me feel so guilty that he has done so much for me in my life ( thinking know idk what she is talking about)
And I should be more kind. I replied saying that I always make food for the rest. This was the only time I wanted to make something for me. But anyways she is adamant I am selfish and unkind.
So the question am I the asshole??
Edit: To all those saying to move out, please know that I and my siblings already stay at respectable places. We each try to wfh or take holidays to spend time with our parents who are aging. Adding more context this is an asian household.
Your mother is trying to condition you to put the boy first even before yourself , don’t let her.
NTA your brother is a grown adult with time & energy to make food for himself. Tell your mom that! As well as he does nothing to help in meal prep for the family. Nor does he help with cleaning afterwards.
“#everydaycasualsexism”
It seriously annoys me when mothers try to sign their daughters up for this bullshit distribution of labour in the home.
Don’t make him the sandwich, but prepare for your mother to have big issues with it. It’s not about the sandwich – she is trying to enforce the same life of prioritising men that she was dealt.
You may have to move out to win this argument longer term.
He’s old enough to make his own sandwich. Maybe time to WFH in your own place otherwise this is your future
Your mother is selfish on behalf of her favorite child and unkind to you. NTA
100% not the asshole. Your brother is an adult and can make food for himself. Your mom can make him a sandwich if she is bothered by you not wanting to do it.
NTA. But it’s really okay for your mom to disapprove something you do for sexist reasons and then not do anything about it. “Yes, mom, it was absolutely selfish to do something for myself without making something for someone who never reciprocates. I hope you are also telling bro how selfish he is for never contributing. Or is it only selfish when you don’t have a Y chromosome?”
OP edited saying its an asain family so thats not likely gonna land.
Yup. You don’t have to make him a sandwich, especially if he doesn’t ask you to.
As for “all of the things he does”, we have this issue around my house.
My daughter loves to cook, but half of the time it is for herself. I do most of the cooking. My son, we wouldn’t trust him to do more than fry eggs.
My son however, is the person that helps me with cutting firewood and maintaining our property.
His contributions aren’t visible until he doesn’t do them.
I’m not sexist, I taught my daughter to drive our tractors and my son is expected to help with dishes, but my daughter chooses to stay inside where it’s warm and my son isn’t given an option.
I don’t know you or your brother, your brother might be useless or he might be working his ass off doing stuff away from the kitchen, but if your brother wants a sandwich, he should ask nicely.
NTA. My brother was like this the times I lived with our mom, he is 36 (delusional and unemployed), and still lives with her ruling the roost.
I finally set boundaries and he hates me but I wanted him to know he had to do things for himself. I also understood by setting these boundaries I made things harder for my mom who does everything for him, but I wasn’t going to be sucked in to his dependency.
Everytime I was leaving the house he asked me to do errands for him. He would especially go nuts if I made myself a meal before or after work, all the while having ample time and resources to do that for himself.
Never too late to set boundaries while living with family.
I am a woman and grew up with one sister and zero brothers. I didn’t realise this dynamic existed until I met my wife who has one brother. I was mind blown that she dishes her dad and brothers food for them, cooks their meals, does their laundry and even cleans the toilet after her brother has diarrhoea. Her brother does NOTHING.
I don’t know what “we wfh HENCE, live with our parents.” even means… where I am wfh means you have a job and you work from home. That means you can live anywhere you want, (That you can afford), hence I don’t understand.
You are not an asshole. He sounds more than capable. Don’t under any circumstances let your mother shame you or guilt trip you. You are an adult woman. Your life. Your decisions.
NTA. I’m a little sister, and I think the fastest way to nip this in the bud is to annoy the hell out of your brother. Make a big deal out of making snacks and meals for him. Cut them into bite size pieces. Put the food on divided plates so that nothing touches. Pinch his cheeks and tell him that mummy’s baby boy needs to eat everything on his plate so he can grow up one day to be big and strong like his daddy.
Your mother values your brother’s opinion more than yours so you need to make it your brother’s problem to handle.