My relationship with my parents was never great. Both were the kind of parents that gets home at 8pm because of work and justified it by saying it was the best way to secure my older sisters and I’s futures. I’m a college student and my uni isn’t far from my parents’ home, so I still live with them. I don’t have a student job since my parents want me to focus on my studies.
Things started going awry after my paternal grandmother died in August. My father understandably wasn’t doing well. He got fired years ago (over his anger issues, he didn’t treated his subordinates well) and spent his days studying the stock market to "earn his own wage", as he tells my mother. After my grandmother’s passing, he dealt with the inheritance papers. He was still in the optic of helping my sisters and I to live a comfortable life and thus handed us directly the money.
It would have been nice, hadn’t he then started to encourage us to invest the money in the stock market to get even more money. Spoiler alert, I’m not an econ student so I don’t understand much about the stock market except that it’s not guaranteed gain. Hence I was reluctant to follow my father’s advice, so were my sisters. Around Christmas, his encouragement turned into orders less we "had to give the money back to him since we didn’t want to do anything with it".
I know he can’t actually get the inheritance back since he handed it to my *adult* sisters and I. But since I live with him and don’t want to be yelled at, I began *slowly* doing what he wanted by taking the necessary steps to open an investing account but never moving the money.
Last week, my father finally snapped and told me to hurry up or he would kick me out of the house. My mother didn’t say anything at the moment, but in private, she urged me to just do what my father wanted because I was making myself miserable just to contradict him. I tried telling her I wasn’t opposing him for funsies but because I was wary of the stock market and just wanted a father, not a banker. She didn’t believe me, said I thought that only because I had never lived on my own.
When I told my sisters, they said he was crazy and that our mom was gaslighting me to safeguard her "peace" with our father. My sisters also both invited me to live with them but I’m uncomfortable with the idea since their apartments aren’t that big and they both are married and want children.
I genuinely don’t know what to do. I have no doubt my father needs therapy, but at the same time, he is acting for my long-term happiness and doing as he says would be easy. Yet ever since this whole thing started, I’ve felt like crap. Maybe I’m just as dramatic as my mother thinks I am, because I’ve started hiding in my room to avoid him. Each time I hear him move around the house, I pray that he won’t come to my room.
What do you all think, am I the asshole and should I just grow a thick skin ?
NTA.
Honestly it kindof sounds like he wants to try and take the money from you.
It is a good plan for you to learn how to invest though.
You are NTA
This isn’t a simple disagreement about money.
Thia is about financial coercion and emotional boundary-crossing. Your father is attempting to manage his own grief and past career failures (getting fired for anger issues) by controlling your financial future.
NTA. Can you invest the money in something low risk rather than actually trading stocks? Unit trusts or something like that?
Your father is not acting in your best interests. He might say that, but his actions do not demonstrate that. He is an unemployed dictator who only has you and your mother to bully since your sisters have escaped his influence. It’s your money and you alone decide what to do with it. You haven’t asked for his advice, and his threats to take the money back are empty and pathetic. Your father has many issues and none of them are your responsibility to manage or appease. Has your father been successful in his stocks? Or his advice to invest simply more hot air? Go live with your sisters and get away from your father’s impotent raging. NTA
NTA. Respect is a two way street, and obedience isn’t the same thing as respect.
You’re allowed to protect your peace, make your own choices , and not be pressured into financial decisions just to keep someone else comfortable…
NTA. But I think you need to get a job and move out. How old are you?
NTA, but you could possibly appease him and put money into an investment account and do the literal safest of investments, stuff that doesn’t move in high percentages up or down. Make sure he doesn’t have access to the account though.
Put the money in an index fund. Mutual funds are managed by a company that pools money from investors to purchase a diversified portfolio of securities like stocks, bonds, or short-term debt. You will be invested then. Look for a reputable mutual index fund like Vanguard, for example. Morningstar.com gives advice.
NTA
This 💯. Dad’s acting inappropriately but he’s right that the money should be invested for the long term assuming OP doesn’t need the money for a few years. Only I’d recommend index ETFs to avoid the tax consequences of a fund.
I have no idea how much money you received. What I’m gathering is your dad worked long hours to make sure you got a good education without having to work until after graduation. BTW That is a privilege that not everyone receives. Then, even after he lost his job, he inherited money but gave it to you and your sisters with the hopes that you would invest it properly for your future. Correct?
If I were you I would make an appointment with a fiduciary financial advisor. They will make sure your money is working for you & growing while also providing for your current needs. You’ve been “given” a RARE and excellent opportunity to improve your life and your future, I wouldn’t waste it.
NTA, but instead of sweating over playing the stock market, consider products that are much less stressful, like an index fund. Discuss lower-risk investments with someone at your bank. They aren’t flashy, and returns are slow, but they can add up.
In the meantime, find yourself a part-time job and some roommates, and start planning to move out. It very much sounds like your father wants to browbeat you into handing your money over to him, and you would be better off not living under the same roof as someone who is looking to exploit you financially, even if that someone is a parent.
NTA. Don’t give your father a cent. Suddenly you’ll owe him any gains you make for managing your funds. That money is yours. You are an adult and he is coercing and financially abusing you. You need to get out from his house now! Move in with your sisters temporarily. Start your own bank or credit union account that your parents have no access to. Lock down your credit with all agencies. Make an appointment with a financial advisor at your bank or credit union (credit unions are amazing!) and find out about putting a portion of your inheritance in index funds which follow the stock market but don’t require investment in individual funds, bonds, savings accounts, and CDs. You’ll need to keep a certain amount of money available for immediate withdrawal for emergencies or recurring expenses. A financial advisor will educate you on all the different options for your money to grow while you remain independent. In the meantime, you can save for an apartment or get into a roommate situation.
My dad wasn’t abusive, but he also turned to the stock market once he was forced to retire early.
He sunk a lot of money into stock trading software, advice, and high end computer to run it. And he lost half my parents’ retirement fund gambling on stocks. The only reason it wasn’t ALL their money — keeping on trying to get back what he lost — was that Mom found out, they had huge fights over it, and she finally gave him a limited amount to use for it and told him that was all he could use, and stuck to it when he lost that too.
He lost my college fund on the stock market too when I was a kid. The first stock he convinced me to buy into did go up at first, but he refused to let me sell when I wanted to (“it’s not done yet, it’ll keep going up” became “It’ll recover, don’t worry” when it did drop) and most of my money disappeared. The second stock where he finally moved what was left ate the rest.
I suspect your dad has been losing his own money and now needs more to gamble so he doesn’t have to face how much he’s already lost. “I need this money to make it all back! I’ll win this time!”
Is “your peace” worth losing all your money? Then don’t think of it as an investment, now it’s rent, and give it to your dad and forget you ever had it. Remember, he’ll probably demand the same of money you earn too once the precedent is set.
If you want to have independence and keep your own money, then don’t give in. NTA.