I am the Matron of Honor for my best friend who is getting married in late April. We had her bachelorette party last night. At the party, one of her other friends mentioned that the bride said I was slacking at planning the bachelorette party. I am super shocked and hurt that she feels this way, but wondering if I am TA.
Here’s the backstory: She asked me to be her MOH in November. At the time, I was 7 months pregnant; baby is now 6 weeks and will be 2 months old at the wedding. I was surprised she asked me considering how young my baby will be, but I was also so honored and she is my best and longest friendship so I immediately said yes.
A few days later, I asked her what she wanted to do for a bachelorette party. She told me she wanted to do a wine tasting and dinner. She said that she already reached out to a som to schedule the wine tasting. A few days after that, she texted our friend group to invite them and pick a date for the party. This was all back in November.
Since then, the bride has texted our friend group a few times about things for the party. Once to pick the wines that we would be tasting. And once to pick the restaurant for dinner afterwards. To be fair, I am not the most responsive to text messages and I didn’t respond with a preference to either text. However, my response would have simply been that she should do what she wants, so I wouldn’t have been that helpful anyways. In addition, these conversations happened after my baby was born in the end of January.
At the party last night, another friend told me that the bride said I “slacked” on planning the party but she’s not mad because I was pregnant and now have the baby. (I also have a toddler.) I am so shocked! I’m not really sure how I “slacked” since she had already contacted the som about the tasting before she asked me to be her MOH and texted out invites herself. Maybe I was supposed to take the lead on dinner reservations? But also, I have texted her a few times asking if she needs help with anything and she always says no.
So, friends of Reddit, AITA?
It sounds like you were already juggling a lot with a newborn and a toddler. She asked you to be MOH knowing your situation, so it’s unfair for her to hold this against you
I bet someone asked her why she was planning it herself and she said that you just had a baby and really were not able to put time into it…which she understood… And the person she had this discussion with then just used different words to describe it when talking to you. I mean the reality is you did not help plan it, you just had a baby, and she is not upset, so why are you upset?
Problem here definitely seems to be the random shit stirrer in the middle.
NAH except the NPC 😅
Have you tried speaking to the bride? I kind of doubt she said you slacked, seems more like the other friend is just trying to instigate drama and misrepresenting what the bride said.
Honestly I’d just have a conversation with her. If she’s your friend and the friendship matters to you, talk to her. Tell her that you noticed she picked up all of the planning for the bachelorette and you know it’s because she’s aware you have young kids.
You really appreciate the help, but you’re worried that by her doing it all alone without any support from you that it will build resentment. You’d like her to be honest with you about what she needs and then you can tell her what you can do. Or if you like this arrangement tell her that and ask if maybe she would like you to swap roles with a bridesmaid who has more time to support her the way she deserves.
It does sound like she’s trying not to add to your plate by covering for you but is getting stressed due to that.
Get her a gift or something to acknowledge her helping you. If you believe she’s a good friend and that the other friends are stirring the pot a little. It’s normal to vent, sometimes you vent and get over it she might have mentioned it in passing and then let it go. Or she’s actually annoyed.
Think about when you’re stressed and might vent but you know that’s not something that upsets you. The real issue is that you’re stressed and that’s the easiest thing to complain about.
Plan what you’re going to say and take her out for something nice. That way if the friendship does go sour, you know you tried.
This sounds like an offhand comment by a mutual friend that you are spiraling over. In all conversations with you, the bride has been understanding of your situation and said she didn’t need help.
A mutual friend told you that the bride said you “slacked” but she wasn’t mad bc you had a baby. This conversation took place during the wine tasting party meaning that no one was completely sober. Someone probably just asked the bride why she planned her Bach herself (because the norm is that your bridal party plans it for you) and she responded that her MOH was pregnant and a new mom. Who knows if the bride ever even said the word “slacked” or if she did, that she wasn’t just making light of the situation.
It sounds like you’re feeling sensitive probably due to lack of sleep and hormones associated with new baby. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. If you feel like you haven’t shown up for the bride in the way that you wanted to, then make a change and do it moving forward. If you and bride have a good relationship and this feels out of the blue, write it off as a drunken, misinterpreted conversation.
NAH.
NAH (except gossipy mutual friend) and I wouldn’t be upset about this without asking the bride directly what the context of the conversation was. Sounds like someone just wanted to stir the pot.
That other person needs to keep their trap shut. It’s possible she said nothing of the kind, but that’s how Gossip Girl interpreted it. Some people like to stir the pot. NAH, except for the gossiper.
I mean, did you plan anything for the Bach at all?
It sounds like a case of poor communication.
You have a lot on your plate already, but you did agree to beer moh.
It is customary for the moh to plan the party, but the bride had already done the bulk of the work.
I think what she expected was for you to reach out and ask how you can help. The Bach parties I have been to, even when planned by the bride, always had little surprises planned by the MOH. Decorations, party games, something to make her feel special. Sounds like she didn’t get any of that and this was more of a girls night
I personally don’t care about bachelorette parties or MOH/bridesmaids things. I don’t think YTA, mostly, but I do totally understand why your friend might have been disappointed.
Part of the appeal of having someone else plan these events is, in the midst of having to make thousands of decisions regarding everything related to the wedding, it’s nice to step back for something small where you are the one that is being taken care of, even in the smallest of ways. It sounded like your friend was okay with doing most of the planning about where, when, what, but it would have been nice to have a moment where she didn’t have to have decision fatigue about everyone else’s enjoying something. If she is constantly the friend that plans and organizes social things, it’s often out of love and trying to think of other people. This is usually the one exception to that, and it can be hurtful when there is *nothing* from the people you have been the closest to.
It would have been nice if you stepped up to them elevate what she already had in mind to add sweet small touches that have become part of these experiences to show her your effort. Again, even if it isn’t MY vibe, maybe your friend was expecting like, a sash, matching shirts, games…literally anything from you. Was she your MOH? Did you have a bach? What did she do for you?
INFO: Have you spoken to the bride about this? I could imagine one of her friends perhaps asking why she had taken the lead on planning, when that’s often a MOH’s responsibility, and the bride made a joke about slacking on account of your new baby (a very reasonable reason to take a backseat in the planning). Not saying that’s what happened, since I don’t know, but could this all be getting blown out of proportion?
INFO: Have you offered to do anything to plan the party? As a MOH, you should be more involved in the planning process and certainly respond to text messages about it.
Talk to the bride. It DOES sound like you slacked and the bride had to hire the Sommelier, pick the restaurant, send the invitations, etc. so yeah, you are kind of the AH, but if the bride isn’t mad and it doesn’t hurt your friendship, just talk it out and move on.
Mild YTA – MoH isn’t just an honorary position, you’re there to help the bride and plan the hen party. If you felt like you couldn’t do this then you should have at least had that chat with the bride so you were both on the same page.