oh I screwed up the title… sorry \*best friend\*
My daughter is in 8th grades and she has (used) to be friend with Jane since elementary school. They used to be quite close but over the years the relationship has gotten strained.
The strain is coming from Jane social anxiety and refusal to talk to strangers. As they got older and the girl got to go out on their own it has fallen on my daughter to basically translate for her. My daughter is her only friend that Jane hangs out with
So if they get food anywhere my daughter is ordering, the go shopping she has to stand their and help her check out and so on.
This has been an ongoing issue and my daughter is at the point that she really hates doing it for Jane. To the point that she has expressed multiple times it’s not fun to go out with her becuase of it.
I also dislike this, becuase it makes it seem like my daughter is babysitting and not with a friend.
The parent has claimed she is working on the issue and overall I was pushing just be patient with my kid.
It changed over winter break . I dropped the girls off at the mall. My daughter tripped and scratched up her leg. She asked Jane to go to the help desk for some bandaid. She refused becuase she didn’t want to speak to the stranger at the desk. My daughter had to walk there while bleeding and then they got into a huge argument.
My daughter is done basically. She doesn’t wish to be friends anymore and stuck with it’s. She doesn’t talk to her a school and blocked her on her phone.
Jane’s mother is pissed and is pushing me to have my daughter remake up with Jane. I am refusing to get make my daughter do that. Jane’s mom has been guilt trippy about how Jane has no one now
Jane’s mom won’t leave me alone about it and I am doubting my decision now
NTA. No idea what Jane’s mom problem is. She really think your kid is gonna be a good friend if shes FORCED to befriend Jane? What is our end game here??
People, including kids, have the right to decide who they want as friends and you are NTA for protecting this right.
Hard as it is for the other child and their parents, it isn’t your daughter’s responsibility to be the carer. It isn’t fair on her.
NTA. It could be that Jane is just so shy and inhibited that she’s unable to be independent and that she’s had your daughter as a crutch. An 8th grader is maybe 13 years old. I know that I avoided contact with people at that age and I totally get that your daughter is fed up. Jane’s mother needs to start working with Jane to help her overcome her fears. Maybe counseling and/or therapy would help Jane.
Nta. Like I was a shy kid and hated talking to strangers, but would if i had to. I grew out of this as I got older. But her mom is not doing her any favors. That girl needs to step out of her comfort zone if she is ever going to grow
Janes mom aint momming at all. Her kid needs therapy, but she is using another kid for it for free.
The mom is making her problem other peoples. This is her household issue. No one can be forced to be friends. Especially at this age.
Also can kinda see why the kid has anxiety, just from the moms behavior. Aint no telling what happens when no one is listening or around. If she is this pushy to you guys… yikes.
NTA
NTA, if janes mom is truely helping her daughter to speak up, she will explain that her daughter should apologize, considering her daughter would rather argue in public with your daughter instead of asking for a plaster seems rather odd. Especially if she cant apoligise because of it when again, she argued in public despite her so-called anxiety.
“Jane’s mother is pissed and is pushing me to have my daughter remake up with Jane.” No wonder Jane is emotionally stunted. Mommy does everything for her and wraps her in bubble wrap. Poor kid.
NTA. Your daughter is not her keeper, it is time for a new brest forbes.
NTA
Follow your daughter’s lead and block Jane’s mother.
Social anxiety is a reason, not an excuse. I’ve helped my bleeding friend while I have PTSD. You do what you have too, even if it hurts. (Not the case for everyone I understand.)
But, this just proved to you daughter that all she was doing for Jane, Jane would never reciprocate for her. If your daughter had the anxiety, Jane clearly wouldn’t help her.
You own no one friendship. Don’t force your daughter, stand your ground. Your daughter need to know someone is on her side. NTA
NTA. Your duty as a mom is to protect your daughter and not help another mom make her daughter feel good. Your daughter is asking for help navigating a tough situation. Jane’s mom needs to find a way to get her daughter help that doesn’t rely on using your child as a translator. She is deferring her duty to get proper therapy for her kid to your daughter.
I would bet Jane’s mom will try and guilt your daughter if boundaries aren’t set. You need to make sure you are firm and final about it. Jane has let your daughter down but her mom is setting her up to blame everyone else for not accommodating her anxiety.
NTA; This is going to be a hard lesson for Jane and her mother. Friendships are not catering to the most high needs individual all the time. It’s about enjoying each other’s presence and pushing each other to be better. It sounds like Jane was enjoying the former, and your daughter was forced into only completing the latter.
While I understand social anxiety, as a parent, it really disappoints me that Jane’s parents have not created more situations for Jane to build confidence and work on her social anxiety that were not predicated on the labor of her peers. It was important to me when my child was younger to create opportunities for them to be independent and have to navigate their social anxiety. I now have a 13 yo who can identify “safe” individuals, and ask for help/guidance/support to get where they need to go.
I think it may be worthwhile to point out to Jane’s mother that you and your daughter are not responsible for helping Jane become and independent adult, that’s her job.
NTA.
First of all, it’s not at all your job to manage your daughter’s friendships. You can provide guidance and advice but it’s healthy for your daughter to make decisions for herself.
Second, if your daughter is going to babysit, she should get paid. Her ex-friend needs a lot of therapy and probably medical intervention.
NTA. Jane’s mom seems to have helicoptered Jane to the point she cannot function on her own.
NTA
What if something else had happened to your kid. It doesn’t sound like Jane would have gone and asked anyone for help.
Like at the mall- getting stuck in a changing room or bathroom stall.
If she hurt her leg worse than a scratch.
I get social anxiety and shyness. Total introvert here prefer not to talk to people if possible. But like there has to be a two way street with friendships.