I (26M) am in an Asian household, but I have been overseas for most of my life. I currently live in the US.
Context: My aunt (51F) has supported my sister and me for a good amount. I don’t want to sidetrack, but in short, she would help us every once in a while, especially when we have some milestones throughout our lives. For example, she sent me money for my college graduation present and welcomed me to her house a couple of times. My aunt has two kids, John (15M) and Tracy (17F). John has been particularly obsessed with soccer for the past couple of years, and he’s been raving about anything soccer, like balls, shoes, etc. My aunt did mention this to me a couple of times when we talked.
Earlier this year, my aunt created a group chat with John and me because we didn’t have contacts prior. After that, John reached out to me individually to ask me to buy a pair of soccer shoes from overseas. It was hard to get from my home country, and he wanted a specific design that was only available in the US. So I searched for it and told him that the cost was around $200. I did not ask who was paying in that moment because it seemed a bit rude.
I felt bad for buying something just for John, so I decided to buy something additional, even though Tracy didn’t ask me to buy anything. I asked John to see what Tracy liked because I didn’t know where to start. John gave me some ideas, so I bought a couple of additional gifts (\~$40 for Tracy, $20\~ for John, and \~$30 for my aunt’s entire family). For these, I didn’t expect any payment back.
Fast forward to this week: I went to my aunt’s house to sleep overnight. She offered it, and I also wanted to give the presents myself. We had dinner, which was on the somewhat pricey side (don’t know what the actual cost was). After dinner, I gave John the soccer shoes, which he raved about (he even wore them in the house, even before going out to play with them). I presented the other gifts, which my aunt’s family appeared to like a lot. In the morning, after a quick breakfast, my aunt offered me some money as repayment for the soccer shoes I bought. I refused initially, but she insisted, so I took it in the end.
Yesterday, my aunt called my mom (53F). According to my mom, my aunt was quite disappointed because I did not refuse the money, since she did a lot for me growing up. During the call, my aunt also cited my sister (23F) giving some money to both John and Tracy (each for \~$20) last year as a better example. For my aunt, I am being ungrateful because I didn’t refuse the money she offered.
That night, my mom told me about the call. She was furious because John was the one who specifically asked me to buy the soccer shoes from the US. In addition, I bought additional gifts for the whole family. In my mom’s view, my aunt was being transactional.
AITA here?
You’re NTA for taking the money that your aunt insisted on giving you
….but you bought other things as gifts, the shoes were a special request that you clearly did expect reimbursement, or you wouldn’t have found another gift for John because you had spent enough on him.
So let’s be real. You didn’t know where the money was coming from, but you did expect it to come back to you from somewhere.
Exactly. Also OP did refuse at first and aunt insisted. If you insist I take something after I refuse, don’t get pissy when I take it.
NTA.
Although I can see your aunt’s thinking and I agree with your mom that your aunt is being transactional.
Because of your \~10 years age gap between you and your cousins, and now that you’re 26 and presumably started working, your aunt is probably expecting you to occasionally “spoil” the younger cousins more when you visit them. I know you mentioned that your aunt used your sister as an example but I do think her situation might have been different in your aunt’s mind than yours.
This thinking might be more prevalent if you’re the oldest man amongst your mother’s side of cousins. Some of the things your aunt did in the past are usually not strictly speaking socially required of an aunt either when you lived in different countries. (like the sending you money for graduation part)
It’s not difficult to see why your aunt may have expected you to “pay back a little” now that you’ve grown from her view. If I have to hazard a guess, she’s complaining because she had hoped that if your cousins ever choose to visit or study in US, you’d be able to help them in some way given she went somewhat beyond the expected level of niceties as your aunt.
In my family,, I’d get an earful about refusing an elder by not taking the money
NTA – on soooo many levels!
1. At her best, Aunt should have considered those things she gave you in the past gifts that had no strings or expectations attached.\*\*\* I gather that Aunt was not involved in your initial conversations with John about the shoes, so she’s not responsible for the lack of clarity about payment.
2. Not as great…If Aunt expected you to cover the cost of everything, including the shoes, then shouldn’t have offered any payment and simply indicated in her thanks for everything. If you then initiated a conversation about payment for the shoes, then she should have paid for them and accepted that you brought gifts for both kids and the home; the shoes were just not included in what your brought as gifts… or at worst, she could have said she has assumed the shoes were a way to reciprocate her past gifts to you.
3. But what your aunt actually did was to (1) pretend to offer money she never wanted to give you, (2) insist after you first declined (maybe more than one time), (3) not acknowledge to you that this was some stupid test of hers but go to your mom to complain that you failed her secret test. Wow. And she presumes to tell you about etiquette?!?!
\*\*\* Let’s talk about the gifts
1. Giving you a gift for your graduation does not require you reciprocating with a gift when there’s not special event (e.g., John’s graduation).
2. Hosting you in the past is a normal kindness within families. Appropriate reciprocation would be (1) bringing gifts for the kids/house (as you did!)/ (2) hosting her/her kids sometime when they are traveling your way.
3. She gave you ONE single gift (for a special occasion) and hosted you a few times. You came with 3 gifts for her children and her home, worth about $90 AND you went to the trouble to find/purchase/bring a hard-to-get shoe for John. That effort was a gift, too! Your sister came and gave the kids $40 in cash. That was nice of her but not better.
You are completely in the clear, and I’m glad to read that your mother saw her sister’s rudeness. I’m not sure how you proceed, but I do know that you do not owe Aunt an apology for anything.
You explained this perfectly. Why insist someone take something, then complain?