I (33F) am a single mother with 2 boys (10y/o & 5y/o). I have no one to help me at home. ex hub apparently quit his job in Aug & he quit paying all his bills. my oldest ("A") was sent to St Jude on 11-19 (I rode with my ex & "A", which was a 9 hr drive) & diagnosed with cancer on 12-1. my friend started a gofundme on 11-20 to help relieve the financial burden I was about to go through. my ex (33M) lives with his gf, their son, and her entire immediate family (mother, brothers, sisters, in laws). my ex has made small comments about his bills- a car payment ($900/mo) & $300/m to his gf’s mom. his gf has msgd me, cussing & blaming me for their car being up for repo bc I won’t share the money raised on the GFM to pay a car note that was already 4mo behind before "A" was even diagnosed. His dad started a new job in Nov and quit when we came to Memphis. I’ve told him I’ve got this, I’ve done everything else medically with "A" by myself, so he doesn’t need to stay here constantly. when we first arrived at St Jude, I made a group msg & included his gf & my family, so I could do updates easier. his gf gets on the group msg saying something about their son being out of diapers & formula, & her not eating that day, was hinting that she needed help but wouldn’t ask, so I ordered the stuff she said she needed and had it delivered to her with my money from my last paycheck. at Xmas, ex said gf & their son would be coming here, & he was upset that his son (1y/o) wouldn’t have Xmas presents, so I took some money from the GFM and bought all the kids presents, I spent the same on all of them, then they didn’t show up, he took the presents and left for a week, leaving me with no car or anyway to get things that "A" needed. on the GFM it also mentions that "A" loves being a big brother to his half brothers. she has msgd (which I’ve ignored) and he has msgd demanding that I remove the part about A loving his little brothers on both mom and dads side. I fully believe it’s suddenly (like yesterday) an issue that it says that bc I won’t pay their car payment with the GFM. gf is pregnant, but she never has worked, but she could to help pay their bills. I tried explaining that if they don’t pay their "rent" her mom wouldn’t kick them out and she’s okay with them paying when they get their taxes. if I don’t pay my rent, both A and my son won’t have a home to go back to when A is done with treatment. we were homeless for a year a couple years ago and I refuse to go back to that.
so AITA for not using the funds from gofundme to pay my ex car note (car doesn’t benefit me or our son whatsoever) and rent? I’m holding that money tightly and not wanting to spend any of it unless it pertains to my bills at home since I cant work while caring for my son.
ETA: I SPENT $100 FROM GFM ON 3 TOYS, FOR 3 CHILDREN. THE REST HAS STRICTLY BEEN ON MY BILLS. I haven’t gave them anything other than a toy. The formula, diapers, and food was bought from MY paycheck, that I worked for. I have been arguing with them that I’m NOT giving them anything (never considered it at all) from it, and they’ve had people contact me saying I need to help with his Dec and Jan bills since he quit his job to come to Memphis too, but it’s not my responsibility. The post isn’t saying giving them money or paying their back bills, it’s saying their CURRENT bills for December. & It says that I’m holding that money tightly to pay for mine. To also clarify, the GFM states the money donated is to make sure A and his brothers have a home during and after treatment and other small things along the way.
NTA – Firstly , can I just say that I’m so sorry about your child’s illness ❤️🩹
That money shouldn’t be putting anyone in a better position than they otherwise would have been so no.
Stuff like that should be for covering lost wages if a parent has to quit work to care for their child, medical expenses and travel expenses to appointments etc and for the child who is having a hard time to bring them a little bit of joy here and there. That’s my personal view of it anyway. If he was struggling to pay as a direct result of your child’s illness then that would be different. The fact he is trying to use this situation to his advantage is pretty sick.
OMG you don’t owe your ex anything and double that for his GF.
NTA. The GFM funds are for your child and his care. Including feeding and housing his household, because you’re unable to work, as you’re caring for him. Not randos (which includes anyone not living with him or contributing to his care) that want or need money. You have a possibly long road ahead of you and you need to keep your eyes on the prize-getting your healthy child home again. Illness costs a lot of money and you don’t know when you’ll be able to work again. You can’t spare a single cent, no matter how much others see in the GFM. Wishing you and your family health and a complete and speedy recovery to A
Omg please just use the GFM on your son ONLY
My God that is a paragraph
ESH Stop spending your son’s money on other people. Quit the group chat and block the girlfriend. You can update your ex on your son’s condition and he can pass on the info to everyone else. That money is for your son. Not for random people who refuse to get jobs. Use the money to get your own car if you need one to bring your son to his appointments. You need to stop worrying about everyone else and focus on your own kids.
Seconding the ESH. That money was donated for a specific purpose. If I had contributed I’d be angry to find out that it was being used to pay someone else’s bills.
I’m really sorry about your son’s illness.
NTA for not giving them money. Give them no money at all. Why would you take away from your children for irresponsible people who obviously don’t even care about what’s happening. Your ex should be giving you money.
Folks didn’t donate their money to support lazy, selfish people or children who are not yours. YTA for using the money for anything other than it’s intended purpose. Stop it and take him to court for child support.
Your child is in a battle for their life. You focus should be helping them with that battle. Not about anything else. Stand up for your child and for yourself.
I’m angry at all of you.
NTA but stop buying them stuff. The GFM is for you to stay afloat for you and your kids and medical expenses. They need to sop asking and you need to be firm and say no, instead you encourage more leeching.
NTA – If you gave the ex money I donated for your son, I would consider it fraud.
NTA
It’s fraud for you to use that money for anything other than what it was raised for. Your ex csn go get a job if himself and gf need things. Personally I would make or clear that anyone asking for money or making hints that you should give them money will be kicked from the group chat. If there’s any push back, delete the group chat.
Your ex and the girlfriend are lazy-quit supporting that. THEY are responsible for supporting themselves and any kids THEY choose to have. The GFM was to support you as you go through this journey with your child. If I had donated to it and found out that my donation went to a slacker and his lazy gf I would be pissed. Before St. Jude’s started I lost a younger brother to cancer and I remember what a vicious financial drain it was on my parents. Thanks to St. Jude’s your child will have access to the best and most up to date treatments around. This is going to take time though, so you really need to hold on to that for you and your son.
NTA, this money is for your sons treatment, your accomodations near the hospital, and for all the other cancer-related costs. your ex and his folks have to earn their own money for car payments, rent and food, and it is their decision to get pregnant with another child which still needs formula. There are enough adults in the household that they could work.
For people who don’t know, if your child gets treated at Saint Jude’s, they cover all the expenses for treatment, housing, and transportation. So medical expenses will be minimal to nothing. Hopefully your friend has been straightforward about this in the GoFundMe. As others have said you should be using it for expenses Saint Jude doesn’t cover. Like lost work, your own card and housing, expenses, etc. if I donated it to your go fund me and then any of it went to your ex’s new family I would consider that fraud. Very sorry to hear about your little boy. I hope you recovers well.