Every week my brother(16m) has had soccer practice which is around 40-60 minutes away. My mom, who drives him, has always complained about the fact that he sits with his headphones in and doesn’t interact with her, which I(15f) think is incredibly rude and bad etiquette.
My parents also often complain to me about the fact that he’s a "selfish jerk" and have genuinely asked me if I think he could be narcissistic. They point to things like his friends waiting outside our house for ten minutes to pick him up or his one star uber rating for never being at the pickup on time, and when my family asked him about this, he said "I’m the one paying them".
Today, my brother came into my room before he left for soccer and asked where my airpods were so he could borrow them (his were dead). I told him that I didn’t want him borrowing mine because I think he should just "sit in the car and interact like a normal person". I didn’t want to lend them because this is an ongoing issue my parents complain about, and I didn’t want to feel like I was enabling it.
He yelled downstairs to my dad and got him on his side. My dad joined the argument calling me selfish and entitled because I recently borrowed my brother’s nintendo switch to play a game online with my friends, so I should allow my brother to borrow something back.
I explained that I would’ve allowed my brother to borrow my airpods in any other circumstance, but am not going to support his inconsideration.
My brother grabbed my expensive new headphones that I got for christmas and got into the car, which I followed him out to and took them back. He then went back inside to try to look for my airpods in my room while I stayed outside to talk to my mom, who was already in the car.
I told her what was happening and she civilly asked me to just let him borrow the headphones because she knows how he is and didn’t want them to be any more late than they already were. She also added she wants to avoid conflict.
My dad then came outside and started yelling at me from the porch about how I was being "selfish" and I walked to the house to try to have a proper conversation with him while my mom told him to stop yelling.
When I came inside, my dad started screaming about how I wasn’t getting anything more from him or my brother.
My brother then came downstairs, without my airpods or headphones, and left to go to soccer.
A text was then sent to my family group chat reading, "Done with \[my name\]. That is NOT how we treat each other. Cannot believe you would treat your brother like that for ZERO reason other than to be mean. NOT ACCEPTABLE"
My mom has always been generous when driving my brother and I around, allowing us to play whatever music we want in the car with no complaint. I can’t understand why my dad is mad at me for standing up for something he was complaining about in the first place.
I still haven’t responded to the text. AITA? Should I have just given the headphones to him to borrow?
Related or not, romantic relationship or not, I am NOT sharing anything that goes in my ears. I’ve seen waaaaaaayyyyyy too many dirty ears and earbuds. 10 min charge would get him about 30%, so he’s just selfish like you have explained.
NTA.
I don’t think this is really about the headphones at all. It sounds like your parents are frustrated with your brother but don’t know how to deal with it, so when something blows up, they take it out on you. You’re 15, not a mediator or a behavior coach. Saying no to lending your stuff doesn’t make you cruel. The reaction you got feels way over the top compared to what actually happened.
I think you should have loaned your brother the airpods. You made a big deal out of a small request and now the entire family is upset. It’s not your job to parent your brother. I think you should apologize and then move on. soft yta
NTA. It’s fine to tell someone they cant borrow your stuff and it makes extra sense given the dynamic in your family.
Your parents are pitting you two against each other and they are the reason for both of your actions.
You feel like you need to teach your brother a lesson because your parents complain about him, but then constantly negate it.
He feels like you’re inconsiderate because your parents probably talk ceap about you too.
My mom used to do this. Toxic all around. Just be careful you dont participate in it. Based on how you framed your reasoning for not letting him borrow, you are definitely feeding into it all.
NTA, I think you need to have a serious sit down with your parents in terms of discussing bad behaviour about your brother with/ in front of you, they don’t get to talk shit about him to your face and insinuate he is “narcissistic” and then be pissed that you’re not enabling the behaviour they’re constantly talking about. The same reason why you shouldn’t complain about your partner to your friends.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202202/8-types-of-children-scapegoated-in-narcissistic-families
It seems like you already know what the “correct” answer is here. You were trying to do a good thing by helping with a complaint when given the opportunity. I briefly wondered if maybe he has a sensory issue and just needs earbuds to feel more secure during car rides but that doesn’t seem to be the case. His reaction doesn’t help him look better either.
NTA.
Your parents asked you a 15y/o if your brother could be narcissistic. WTH. Your parents shouldn’t be asking you that you’re not a therapist.
They shouldn’t be complaining about him to OP either.
NTA, but your parents are. They tried to make you help with the problem your brother caused and when you did, they made you a scapegoat. Do you have another relatives?
NTA. If the family rule is “don’t enable the behavior we hate,” you followed it. If the rule is actually “keep the peace at any cost,” then yeah – but that’s a bad rule.
Your mom told you to submit to his demands BECAUSE he’s the asshole.
I had a brother who was difficult to deal with, had strong narcissistic tendencies, and constantly “borrowed” my stuff only for it to end up lost, broken, or “his.” Every. Goddamn. Time.
Keeping your stuff yours, keeping it where you want it, and deciding whether or not to “lend” it to anyone is not AH behavior. Refusal to submit to unreasonable demands is not AH behavior — you are NEVER responsible for what your brother chooses to do when he doesn’t get every little thing he demands. Only he is directly responsible for his AH behavior. And your parents are responsible for enabling and encouraging the AH behavior of the kid they raised and taught how to act.
It’s unfair of them to dump the responsibility for his reactions on you. And it is short-sighted to satisfy his demands in the short term because it teaches him that not only is his behavior acceptable (it is not), but also that he can weaponize it to satisfy even the smallest whim and escalate any situation in a way that guarantees a “winning” outcome for him. He’s learned behavior that’s very likely going to lead to terminally dysfunctional relationships and failure in situations where he would previously emerge the victor; and, sadly, this path often leads to things like not being able to keep a job and ending up a miserable, cripplingly lonely adult when he has to go it alone.
NTA.
NTA, you don’t have to lend anyone your stuff at any time for any reason, regardless of what they’ve lent you.
Your parents shouldn’t be venting to their daughter about their struggles with their son. They’re wrong for that. They shouldn’t punish you for their son’s selfishness and inconsiderate behavior (going in your room to steal your belongings), nor should they force you to be conflict-avoidant like them to “keep the peace.” They’re being lazy parents.
They’re raising a son who has learned to take what he wants, do what he wants, and disrespect service workers. If he carries this same toxic behavior into his relationships, he won’t get far in life.
NTA
Sharing headphones is kind of gross to me personally. But you could have saved yourself some hassle if you’d just said that they needed to charge too.