For context, I (24F) moved out of my parents house for the first time in June and moved into my first apartment with my partner of 8 years (25M). Holiday season is approaching and my partner and I are discussing how we will split the holidays this year. Majority of my family lives in Colombia, the family I have in the US are just my parents and sister, so we usually fly to Colombia for Christmas and New Year’s and spend Thanksgiving at home with friends and neighbors. My partner agreed to come with me to Colombia this year for both Christmas and New Year’s as long as me and him travel down to spend Thanksgiving with his best friend in a different state (his best friend just bought his first house and had a second baby – huge milestones). We hadn’t seen them in 2 years and this was a trip we’d been putting off for a while, so this was a perfect opportunity. I also want to add that I do everything in my power to split my time between my family, my friends, my partner, and my full time job while also leaving time for me to do the things that I enjoy. I talk to my mom nearly every day and I visit my parents and sister every single Sunday, go out to lunch with them and then spend the rest of my day with them, this Sunday was no different, but when I made the announcement at lunch about my Thanksgiving plans, I immediately saw a complete change in my moms attitude. She spent the rest of the day guilt tripping me, telling me “we’re all we have in this country,” and that my decision was selfish. I explained to her why we made the decision to spend Thanksgiving elsewhere, emphasizing the fact that both my partner and I will be spending Christmas and New Year’s with them in a DIFFERENT COUNTRY, but she still does not see reason. She called me that same night to tell me the same things she had been saying all day, calling me selfish, saying she’ll invite my other friends (to make me jealous I guess?) and then she DEMANDED to speak to my partner about it. This infuriated me as I felt like she was treating me like a child, and that my partner speaks for me. I thought it was just so blatantly disrespectful to both me and my partner since he’s compromising and will also be away from his family for ALL THREE HOLIDAYS (which his family has no issue with because we literally see them all the time). Anyways, now she has her friends sending me messages saying that I should stay home for Thanksgiving because it’s really hurting my mom that I “don’t want to spend the holidays with my family”. I knew she wasn’t going to like it, but I didn’t think she would react this negatively. She can keep trying to guilt trip me, but I’ve made my decision, and I feel like if I fall back now, it’ll just set the precedent that she can manipulate me forever. Am I doing the right thing? Am I being an asshole?
NTA – your mom needs to let go seriously.
NTA. Welcome to adulthood. Sometimes, when making decisions that are in the best interest of you and your partner, you’re going to upset your parents. That’s their problem to work through, not yours. Keep that spine shiny and go through with the Thanksgiving plans YOU want to do.
NTA, my mom has similar tendencies. I’m sorry for this stress. Never easy to deal with stuff like this, and unkind of her to call you selfish. I think the plan you have is reasonable and catering as best it can to both you and your partner’s families and the holidays. Her upset is understandable, but the way she is taking it out on you is not ok.
NTA. And I’d tell her if she keeps up her SELFISH MANIPULATION, she won’t be seeing me for Christmas or New Year’s either. You are an adult. It is time for you to make your OWN TRADITIONS. Trust me, don’t let your mother guilt you.
This is the best answer. You are spreading your wings and you are building your own family. Your parents need to realize this is what happens when children become adults. Parents are not going to get their way all the time and this is for them to figure out.
I would tell them that your decision is made and it’s no longer up for discussion. If they continue to harass you about it then you will have no choice but to block them until after the holidays, along with any other family members who also harass you about your decision.
NTA
You are an adult, and your life is naturally diverging from your parents. Their feelings about it are there’s to manage.
It’s okay to tell your Mom “We’ve already discussed this. I’m not changing my plans. If you bring it up again I will hang up the phone/leave the room.”
And then when she invariably tries again, follow through. If there are actual consequences, she will eventually learn that you are not willing to be berated.
Good luck!
Your Mother will have her spouse, other daughter and her flying monkey friends to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with.
The flying monkeys can sod off.
Your Mother is being selfish, it is time for you to expand your life choices.
Have a great time on your trip.
NTA
NTA.. and OP… you need to have a very adult conversation with your mother, otherwise, she is going to continue pulling this crap every time something comes up where you are not with them. The amount of times something like that will occur will likely only increase as you get older and further established into your relationship. Put a stop to this type of BS and attempts at manipulation. It needs to stop or she will have to suffer consequences.
NTA No offence, but that sounds like a typical Latina mom. lol
NTA Time to set boundaries with your family. If your mother can’t accept that you are now an adult and can make decisions based on what you and your partner want, you may have to put her on an information and access diet.
Also silencing notifications on your phone works wonders for putting an end to a tiresome conversation. It will also give you proof of how meddlesome and overbearing some people can be.