Okay, this one has been bothering me for a while now. I (19F) had this friend (20F) in uni and we were close for a while until she like… stopped coming to classes a lot so we didn’t get to hang out a lot anymore and I didn’t really see her for long stretches of time.
Anyway, so this was during our exams. And we were sitting together in the morning when studying and she’d been off the entire time and when I finally looked up to see, she was crying. It took me a while but eventually she told me she was having some personal troubles with someone in her life and it was upsetting her. And so I comforted her and reassured her and told her to stop talking to this person if they were having such an effect on her health.
And then after the exam, I had this like week-old plan with a few mutual friends to have lunch together. And I was actually in it because tbh I’d had a pretty rough month due to a lot ot stuff. So I had been looking forward to forget about it all and relax a little. It’s not an excuse but just what was going through my head at the time.
So, I asked my friend to join us. And I said it’d get her mind off things. And she said no and that she was going to the library. And I was like you sure? And she said yea you have fun. So I was like okay.
And then I saw her around a few times during the day and she seemed a little tired. But I figured it was just the stress and everything. And later I felt bad like maybe I should have stayed so I went up to her to ask her if she was okay and apologize and she was like it’s fine.
I still felt bad but what else could I do?
And then anyway, fast forward a year later, we were out getting lunch and we were walking back to uni and I was telling her about something that my ex-friends did and she just, out of nowhere, said "but isn’t that what you did to me?"
And I stopped and I was like what?
And then she brought that incident up and she said you left me to go for lunch even though you knew how upset I was. So why are you complaining?
And I said but I asked you and you said no.
And she said yea because you know I don’t like imposing on other people’s plans. But you saw how upset I was. How upset I was the entire day. But you just wanted to enjoy yourself.
And how I was a really selfish person for leaving her when she needed me. And how if it were her, she would cancel all her plans to stay with me if she thought I was upset.
And my mind really blanked out so I didn’t say anything after that. And then we went back. And she didn’t bring it up again and neither did I but it hurt a lot. I didn’t mean to make her feel abandoned but… if she needed me to stay then she should have just asked me, I think. But then again, as her friend I guess I should have noticed? Idk.
So… AITA?
NTA, clearly both of you were going through a rough patch in your lives and neither could see exactly what the other was going through. She definitely should’ve said something though, and I don’t think you’re wrong by any means for continuing your plans that had received no objections
NTA, you aren’t psychic.
NTA you’re not a mind reader and she shouldn’t expect people to be mind readers. Life lesson.
NTA. She seems to think the world revolves around her, she’s not the only one with problems and you did invite her to go with you to lunch…
She was ‘undercover’ mad at you for a YEAR!? Looks like a ‘failure to communicate.’ NTA.
>I was telling her about something that my ex-friends did and she just, out of nowhere, said “but isn’t that what you did to me?”
NAH
Assuming that it actually was a similar situation, her statement is fair. Unpleasant, but fair.
Ngl I do think it wasn’t a fair comparison because of a lot of different reasons. I mean, the setting was the same, I guess, but not the main point that I was talking about at the time. Though, I can see why she thought so.
I’m not defending myself, really. I just thought this was one of those things where you think your thought process makes sense and the thing you did was fine but then you ask a few other people and learn oh no that is not right no matter the context and I should have realized.
NTA…I feel for both of you in this misunderstanding, but she should have communicated more clearly. Did you ever explain to her that you were going through a tough time, too?
I understand she was going through something; at the same time, waiting a year to share how upset she was about that isn’t really useful or fair.
Maybe (if you’re close enough friends for this kind of conversation; maybe you’re not) you can let her know you want to have a talk. Sounds like better communication is needed. Let her know you’re sorry that your actions hurt her but that you tend to take people at their word, so you will need her to be more direct in the future if she’s needing more support. And maybe ask her what she needs, let her express what would help her feel more comfortable reaching out for support.
There’s also the possibility that she’s not mature enough for this kind of conversation, or that you’d rather just let them friendship fade.
I did explain this to her. Like I told her she should have told me that she wanted me to stay with her and I would have. But she said we’ve been friends for so long and if she were in my shoes, she would never leave me like that if I was upset.
And yeah, she knew the things that I’d been going through. But I know I usually don’t let it show. I made jokes about my thing so she everyone just assumed I was fine.
But yeah, anyway it doesn’t matter anymore, I guess. She cut ties and brought up a few more things I’d done as reasons. It was a whole… thing. I guess I just wanted to know if I was being insensitive here.
No, based on all you’ve said, you weren’t being insensitive. You had these other plans, and knowing that she was upset, you invited her along. She didn’t want to come. How were you supposed to know what she needed?
And it’s not like you invited her to go clubbing or something. You invited her to lunch with mutual friends. That sounds like a decently chill activity.If that’s not her thing, fine, but to expect you to *know* what she wanted is unreasonable of her.
Sorry, I know it’s tough losing friends, but it sounds like she holds grudges and can’t really communicate well…
Also, the old “If I were in your shoes, I would never…” is pointless in this situation. She needs to learn that everyone is different! If I told someone, no, you’re good, don’t cancel your plans, and they canceled them anyway, I’d be annoyed because I like to be alone when I’m upset. You don’t need to feel guilty in this situation.
Nta- You shouldn’t have to read between the lines in the way she communicates to you, that is manipulative. Also, bringing up stuff from a year ago that wasnt even your fault to begin with? Super weird and petty. You offered to have her join and she said no and then made no other attempt tl talk to you, then brings it up A YEAR later to guilt you? Is this a pattern? Like is she chronically the victim?
NTA she expected you to give up your plans to not leave her side even though she was saying the exact opposite. You are not bound to this person, the world does not revolve around her.