Hello! I wanted to come here to check if I was in the wrong for something that I don’t completely believe I am.
I invited and took 3 of my friends to my family thanksgiving on Sunday, where we have a gathering of around 30 people. During this, my friends were anxious and overwhelmed. From my memory, they sat on a couch and didn’t do much to walk around and do anything. Any time I came up to them and asked them if they would like to get up and walk around with me they said no. I didn’t stay with them the whole time because I only see some of my family once a year at thanksgiving, so I was interacting with them as much as possible.
There was an instance where 2 of my cousins and I went outside to do something at my cousins car, and my friends all followed us but didn’t come outside until we were going back. One of them said they were feeling overwhelmed and wanted to stay outside, but I had wanted to go back inside. Two out of three of my friends came back inside right after me and one stayed outside.
The thing is, I just received a text where the friend that stayed outside said that it was rude of me to disregard their feelings and go back inside and also not stay with them during the thanksgiving to go spend time with my family. We are all adults, so I figured they would be able to figure out what they needed on their own to feel comfortable, even when I thought they were uncomfortable, because I am not responsible for how they feel or how they deal with it. They didn’t at any point other than we were outside, tell me how they were feeling and I figured them staying outside would help them calm down their anxiety and stress. I made them aware that I wouldn’t be with them the whole time and that I would be interacting with my family before and during the day. And that I didn’t feel comfortable staying outside with them because to me it felt rude to my family as we have a schedule of things that I would have missed part of, that my friends weren’t required to be part of but I was and am every year.
I also feel conflicted because in the message, the friend says that the other two friends agree with them that me leaving them outside on their own was rude, when I left them outside with the other two friends. The two of them came inside after me, but only by less than a minute difference so I don’t completely understand that.
I don’t know if I worded any of this right, but am I the asshole for not staying with my friends the whole time?
INFO: Why did you invite them?
I invited them because they don’t celebrate with their families and they felt bad about that so I wanted to cheer them up and include them
They also had met half of my family before even being invited to thanksgiving
Then NTA. It would be one thing if you really pressured them to go just to ditch them to hang with your family, but that’s not the case. In addition, you checked in with them regularly, invited them to make the rounds with you, etc., and they declined. They had each other to speak to, they weren’t entirely alone. I’m having such a hard time picturing them as adults as you described, it sounds like something sulky teens would do.
Yeah you shouldn’t have invited them since they weren’t familiar with your family. Been in their place, I’d have found an excuse and left.
They had interacted and met half of my family before thanksgiving and then told facts and interests about the rest of my family so they could have the tools to interact as well.
If they knew how many people would be there, and that you would often be busy with your family, then NTA. You were generous to include them in your family Thanksgiving.
You *didn’t* invite them to just hang out with them. They could have introduced themselves to other people and mingled. It’s on them to either do that or just sit and enjoy each other’s company. And they were free to be outside or inside—you weren’t imprisoning them in the house.
Also, guests can always offer to help out and get to know their hosts that way. It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong.
NTA. Some people suffer from social anxiety, and that may be the case with your friends. But if so, then why did they accept your invitation? They could have said no thank you. A gracious host makes an effort to help guests feel comfortable and provide introductions. But it is ultimately up to your friends to make the effort to mingle. It is not your job to babysit them the entire time! My goodness, even married couples do some separate mingling at social events! If your friends are upset, well too bad. They are adults and you are not their mommy.
If OP had invited just one friend who they knew had social anxiety, then I would say they should have stuck with them more or drug them around with them. Three people are a group to themselves. It is odd they behaved this way. You introduce them to the gang and then leave them to it. NTA
NTA. Adults who aren’t capable of functioning at a party or gathering with people they don’t know well should decline invitations to such events. This isn’t rocket science.
NTA. You made a nice gesture to invite them in the first place, and repeatedly asked them to participate. If that environment was overwhelming to any one of them (must less all of them), they could and should have thanked you and the hosts for having them, and excused themselves whenever they liked.
These are adults, not puppies being rehomed.
Sorry to be blunt, but your friends sound extremely codependent. I’m curious as to how those dynamics play out in other ways.
NTA if they weren’t comfortable they didn’t have to accept your invite, or even could’ve left early
The few YTA votes here clearly come from adults that can’t adult.
You’re NTA. Your friends, I assume, are not 8 years old. There were three of them. They couldn’t entertain themselves? How to they function in the real world? Is everything always about their comfort? They were rude and disrespectful thinking you existed for only their entertainment.
Your friends sound like 10 year olds. Given they knew that it was a family thanksgiving, why did they bother to go if they felt out of place. They should have excuse themselves and left.