AITA FOR NOT TELLING MY HUSBAND ABOUT MY FRIEND?
For context I (29F) have been married to my husband (32M) for 10 years, about 6 months ago he was telling me to do a YouTube channel, because I love scratching lottery tickets and I have been seen a lot of that kind of channels, well he was telling me to do a channel he keep bugging me for like 2 months, one day in one of the lives that I was watching I asked the YouTuber (35M) let’s name I’m S how could I start with my own channel, he asked me for my number and we started messaging about all that kind of stuff, so time passed and we became "friends" but I hadn’t told my husband. So S and I only talked about his channel and my channel and he sends links to other lives and all related to YouTube, my husband a couple of nights ago found all those messages and he is now mad,( for info when I married my husband he didn’t let me have friends, all my friends that I had back then he didn’t like them so I little by little stopped talking to them, now it’s been 10 years and he doesn’t even let me work), so I had to block S and delete his number and I wrong? My husband thinks that cheated, is that cheating? AITA?
Thank you in advance
Edit: forgot to mention we have 4 kids together, 2 step kids from his part and 2 of our own, we got custody of his kids a couple of years ago, and he does let me work well kinda I did work for a couple of months in a department store but I had to quit because he didn’t like that I was home late.
ESH I think you should have mentioned it, I mean you’re not doing anything harmless but it would make me question a little bit why you never mentioned it and gave some stranger online your personal phone number. On the other hand he sounds borderline abusive. He’s not letting you have friends, isolated you from your old ones, and doesn’t “let you” work? Girl get out of there
Umm there’s a way bigger problem here… Forcing you to alienate yourself from friends and not allowing you to have a job is abusive.
This doesn’t sound like a safe relationship for you
this. I know the post is very recent but it’s concerning how most comments so far are completely glossing over that part. it’s one thing to keep a new friendship secret from your partner because of poor communication, it’s another to do it because he isolated you from everyone and doesn’t want you to have friends or be economically independent.
ESH but from what you’re saying about your husband, I can see why you keep this from him. This is straight up abuse and getting married when you were 19 and he was 22, and already said you couldn’t have friends or work? Girl he’s a neon red sign with a million red flags that scream abuse. Get out of that relationship ASAP!
Um he’s abusive and possessive leave his ass. NTA
“ when I married my husband he didn’t let me have friends, all my friends that I had back then he didn’t like them so I little by little stopped talking to them, now it’s been 10 years and he doesn’t even let me work”.
Think about what you wrote. Is that what you want? S is just a symbol of a much bigger problem.
Not allowing you to have friends or to work is abuse, he’s abusing you.
NTA
Yikes you know when someone tells you a problem and you can very clearly see that what they think is the issue is not what’s actually causing the problem? Yeah that’s this post. Your husband is not allowed to tell you you can’t be friends with people. His jealousy is not cute nor is it some small thing to overlook. It screams of an insecure, controlling man and I’m honestly worried about your safety if he is prone to fits of rage. I know there may be people in your life who tell you his behavior is normal, or maybe this is the best you’ve been treated in a relationship so far, or maybe you just love other aspects of him so much it’s painful to see him as a problem. But it is, and you deserve so much more. Below are some resources I really encourage you to look into. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk about anything more.
LINKS:
Love is Respect (site with resources on healthy relationships): [https://www.loveisrespect.org/quizzes/](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quizzes/)
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Barcroft (a pdf version of a book exploring why abusive behaviors exist): [https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
BWSS (an article exploring functional violence in relationships): [https://www.bwss.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/](https://www.bwss.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/)
2 X Chromosomes Reddit thread (explaining the nuances of communication with a partner who doesn’t want to): [https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/17yzw35/he\_knows\_he\_doesnt\_care/?share\_id=j6L3cYQpgBqUV-59-vDTA&utm\_content=2&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=ioscss&utm\_source=share&utm\_term=1](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/17yzw35/he_knows_he_doesnt_care/?share_id=j6L3cYQpgBqUV-59-vDTA&utm_content=2&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1)
What Does It Mean to Decenter Men?: [https://www.cosmopolitan.com/relationships/a65013356/decentering-men-meaning/](https://www.cosmopolitan.com/relationships/a65013356/decentering-men-meaning/)
Sounds like you should have left him about 10 years ago.
There’s so many layers of wrong here. The entire time I was sitting here thinking “well yeah you’re the asshole, you’re hiding something from your husband.” And no you didn’t cheat obviously, I just think it’s weird to not tell your spouse about just life. Anytime I go out, I comeback and just talk to my fiance about my day. This would most definitely include if I made a new friend.
HOWEVER, girl, why the hell did you stay with this guy that “made” you get rid of all your friends and alienate yourself. Stand up, and drop his ass.
He made you cut off all your friends, doesn’t let you have them now and doesn’t let you work?
Maybe you should have told him but you didn’t because some part of you knew how he was going to react, even though (if you’ve been honest) it’s just a platonic friendship.
Your husband is a huge red flag.
😦
girl, RUN
NTA – but your husband
You are not cheating by discussing having a channel.
Why do you let him have control on your friends. Does he have friends?
And he won’t let you work! This is not healthy for you. You need to enjoy being with co-workers etc. Not a full time job but like 10 – 20 hours a week. If not how about charity.
I have worked all my life until I retired. Met a whole lot of friends/co-workers. Being retired I keep in touch and enjoy being in their company.
Be who you want to be
Good luck.
Your hubs sounds pretty insecure to me…NTA.