Posting on my Alt account because I’ve already talked too much about my dad on that one and I don’t want people looking through my post history and coming to a conclusion that way.
This was last year, I (19M) was invited to my half-sister’s wedding who I barely knew at the time. We had talked a total of four different times and otherwise was a complete stranger to me. My dad (46M) just had randomly dropped to me and my brother (13M) at one point when I was 17 that she existed. He told me I had another brother too. Apparently, they were both over 20 and while they didn’t know each other they knew about me and my brother for a long time. Since then I went to a couple outings together with my sister and met my older brother once and attended his graduation in another state.
I had gotten invited to this wedding along with the entire rest of my family. It was on a Tuesday, 11 hours away. This meant it would be very difficult for me, my mom (47F), and my little brother to make it all for completely different reasons. I can’t drive. This is mainly due to my eyesight but I also have some mental issues that cause my mind to completely go blank especially in cars. I couldn’t find time to get out of work, I asked my boss but she said getting off at that time would pretty much be impossible. Point is, I wasn’t able to go.
I wanted to tell my sister that I couldn’t go, but before I did I was told by my mom to refrain from doing so. My dad was the only one with literally nothing else to do at the time as he’s jobless and sits around all day watching political podcasts and playing COD Zombies. He also didn’t want to go. My mom had told me that it was not her, mine, or my brother’s responsibility to tell my sister that any of us wouldn’t be able to make it. My dad had already claimed that he was going to tell her and that he just hadn’t gotten around to it yet.
Days go by. My dad claims to have already told my sister that we weren’t going to be able to make it. No one believes him. He’s obviously lying. I’m about to just tell her myself once again before I’m stopped again by my mom who reminds me that it’s not my responsibility to tell her of my absence. About a week goes by, the wedding happens, the wedding ends. My sister blocks everyone in my immediate family on all social media. Apparently no one told her. My dad says “forgot to tell her, whoops. She shouldn’t have scheduled a wedding that far only a month in advance on a Tuesday”.
I eventually get in contact with her again and try to apologize. She’s rightfully pissed that I didn’t tell her in the first place. I tried to tell her what had happened but to be honest at that point I just felt like I was doing too much. She cut me off.
I actually really had wanted to have some kind of relationship with my sister who I barely had known. I feel like I’m in the wrong for not just ignoring my mom and messaging her anyways. Thoughts?
The whole family did not want to go to your sister’s wedding? And no one thought to actually tell her first?
YTA and so is your family.
YTA – not for not going but for not being an adult and rsvping no. If yoy think your dad is lying about it it’s likely he’s said you are lung and she will be paying for you all to not be there
Both your mom and dad suck. Especially your dad. But what business is it or your mom’s if you tell your sister you can’t make it? What a weird thing to gatekeep.
INFO: did you receive an invitation addressed to yourself? If that’s the case, yes, Y T A for not responding and relying on others to do what was your responsibility.
Your mom led you astray, but you are an adult and chose to listen to her so YTA in this instance (alongside your parents). You should have let her know you weren’t coming. Your dad is irresponsible and your mom probably dislikes your half-sister.
ESH Both of your parents AH behavior is clear but yours is listening to your mom’s bitterness when you claim to want a relationship with your sister.
You spend the first part of this laying out how you barely know her and she’s such a stranger, then drop the “I actually really had wanted to have some kind of relationship with my sister who I barely had known.” at the end. Seems like you embraced your parents’ indifference too hard.
ESH except your sister. The “it’s his responsibility, if it doesn’t get done he has to face the consequences” strategy doesn’t work when the consequences fall on someone else. Your sister is the one who experienced all the inconvenience and the hurt and potentially monetary loss for your meals. Your dad doesn’t care and therefore learns nothing. I hope you at least learn from this.
YTA – at a certain point we arent kids in our family who can just do anything and be forgiven because we are too young to understand. You are 19 and was invited to your sisters wedding. She invited you because shes trying to maintain some sort of relationship with you. It does not come down to you were not able to go or that your mother advised you not to tell your sister. If you were unable to go there should be no issue reaching out to let her know, its her wedding day and it probably hurt her it wasnt just an event you can catch her at the next one. The expectation is she didnt hear your werent comming and was expecting you. No matter your own family dynamics, you can have healthy relationships with your own siblings if you choose to so you need to own up to that sometime. You knew your dad was lying so there was no harm in you reaching out to let her know you werent able to come.
YTA and so are you parents.
Not a single one of you could be bothered enough to tell your sister none of you were going? You say you wanted to, but if that was the case you would have done so, no matter what your mum said.
I just can’t understand why he is running conversations with his adult sister by his mother in the first place.
YTA: You were an invited **adult** guest. It was 100% your responsibility to either confirm or decline the RSVP. You don’t just no-show and expect to continue a relationship with the bride.
Unfortunately, you seem to come from a family of assholes. Your dad is a lazy asshole. Your mom is an asshole too, for the *”it is not your responsibility to tell your sister that you won’t be able to make it”* bullshit. It is just basic politeness.
The fact that none of the adults, including you, were able to send a quick apology text prior to the wedding is appalling. Everyone is an asshole except for the poor bride.
ESH. Your dad for not telling her. Your mom for insisting you not tell her — no, you got an invitation, you should respond to it. You for listening.
YTA
But it looks like you were raised by a couple of Grade A AHs.
The decent, non AH, thing to do would have been to let her know that you, and the rest of your family, would not be attending.