Hello everyone! This is a quick post but I need some advice. Here is the quick lowdown:
I (30F) have not talked to my biological father in almost a year. He hasn’t tried contacting me and I haven’t tried contacting him.
Well he decided to text me today to say happy birthday. Would I be the asshole if I don’t respond? Should I keep it on read?
There’s a long story as to why we haven’t spoken in a year. But I’ll save that for another post.
Thanks for your advice.
EDIT:
Seems like everyone wants to know the tea before fully committing to my judgement (I don’t blame yall, I would want to know the tea too). Idk if I’ll have enough space in this post for it, but here’s a shorter version of it.
Since the day I was born he wasn’t really active in my life. He married my mom cuz she got pregnant with me. But he was never there. Wasn’t even in the delivery room when I was born.
When my parents got divorced, the courts ordered him to spend time with me and my lil sister every other weekend. A lot of those weekends were canceled. I was about 15 when he signed his right over and that was that.
After he signed his rights, we would try to schedule dinners with him and his new gf (he had a new gf every month). Over time he would try less and less and we started to give up on him. It got to the point that we would have dinner with him about 4 times a year with his steady gf.
There have been a lot of different instances that made him a not good dad but I’m just focusing on the following problem for now.
This year my lil sister had a baby. And she decided that she didn’t want our bio dad in her kids life. Shes not on social media so he didn’t find out till after the birth. I support my lil sis in this decision and didn’t tell anyone that she didn’t tell herself.
He always treated my sis differently. Him and his whole family did. I was the golden child cuz I was the first born. But all other grandkids (all girls) were not good enough for his family and treated them all differently.
The main reason for this is because him and his family wanted a boy. Everyone thought my lil sis was going to be a boy but came out a girl. And since then, she was treated differently from his side of the family.
As time went on, I would think about all the small things that was actually pretty f**ked up that he did. All the girlfriends, the disappointments, never showing up and blaming it on us.
So this year, I didn’t reach out like I normally would. I didn’t say a single thing to him. And he didn’t reach out either. Until today. That stupid text message that I don’t want to answer. But feel like I should.
He sent a second text wanting to do dinner. I don’t want to do that. But how do you tell someone that you don’t want to spend time with them? Even if it’s someone you don’t really like.
Thanks again for your input. Am I being a bad person just ignoring his texts? Should I just grin and bear a dinner with him?
Your upset at him for a reason you didn’t tell us. There’s no way to judge
INFO: Very difficult to say without at least some context. Without knowing the reason you haven’t spoken to him for a year I can’t really judge.
It is your life, you don’t owe him anything. If you haven’t had contact with him for a good reason-don’t let him control when the contact comes back. That is a boundary you set, you gets to decide how and when it changes.
This is something my therapist told me when I went no contact with my mother and she kept trying to reach out
Well the “are you an asshole” depends very much on why you havent been in touch for the last year.
He has obviously taken the opportunity of your birthday to reach out, its up to you whether you want to take the opportunity to possibly repair your relationship. Its not something anyone can comment on given the information you have supplied.
The reason you haven’t spoken in a year is essentially the crux of this story. I’m going to assume NTA if it’s serious enough to go no contact for such a long time, but there’s really no way to judge without knowing the context.
I have no idea because you didn’t give us any information about why you stopped talking.
Only you can decide with this limited information, but to only contact you to say happy birthday is impersonal and doesn’t say I’m sorry or I want to talk.
My bio mom sends me happy birthday notes as well, or sometimes just stupid things from FB. She never talks about anything that matters even though I have tried telling her the way around our issues. She walked when I was a toddler and only reached out after I was very much on my own, so no I don’t respond because it’s as meaningless as getting the yearly FB happy birthdays from people I haven’t talked with in 30 years. NTA is most likely correct IMO.
I’ll save my “expert opinion” for the next post. See you
INFO: Unless there is a very good reason not to, you will likely feel happier if you do respond.
A rule I use with difficult people in my life is to treat them like the person who bags my groceries. I am friendly and polite and when I leave the store I don’t think of them again.
So pretend the person who bags your groceries wishes you a happy birthday. You’d likly say something like, ‘Thank you. That is very kind of you. Have a good day!’
Text your dad back and then move on.
Without the reasoning we can’t really give you an answer. Context matters
I don’t know that I’d want to even render a judgment here based on how little information you’ve given.
All I’ll say is it’s your life, and you get to choose who you let in.
NTA
Bad post. Not telling the most important part of why you don’t talk to him makes judgement impossible.
Imma go with YTA because I have to assume you’re hiding something which might make you TA. Benifits of the doubt to your dad for the way this story is written.
OK, so based on your edit. It seems pretty clear you dont really want an ongoing relationship with him. And you have good reason. Personally, I would probably let him know that so he doesn’t think I’d actually died. But thats a personal choice.
NTA