My fiance and I got engaged November 2024. We’ve been together since 2021. When we announced it, two of my bestfriends told me that they were hoping and expecting to get engaged before me because they have been with or known their partners longer. Both got engaged in 2025. My mother had been pressuring my twin brother (John) to propose to his girlfriend that he recently moved in with, so in July 2025 he also got engaged. January 2026 I ran into my half-brother (Dave 42) at a bar (we are not close but see each other for major holidays) and he told me that he had also gotten engaged on NYE 2025 but they will just be going to the courthouse.
Since my engagement, I have had no pre-wedding events aside from wedding dress shopping with a couple friends and my mother. Meanwhile, I have thrown a big engagement party for John, helped throw an engagement party and a Stag n Doe for Amy, and have helped throw a bridal shower and bachelorette party for Jane. I have also helped John look for venues and caterers and helped Amy and Jane with numerous bridesmaid duties and planning for their weddings. When I threw John his engagement party my mom apologized for not doing anything for my engagement and I said it was okay and I just wanted a wedding shower.
I told everyone that I did not need multiple events but because our wedding is small, it was important for us to have a wedding shower to give both sides a chance to meet and for extended family who aren’t invited. I sent a mass email in December explaining this and even said that it could be a double wedding shower since John is also engaged and being a twin, I am used to sharing birthdays, graduations etc. with him.
My mom has now told me that since Dave is also engaged that she has decided to throw us all a triple wedding shower.
We feel awkward asking my fiance’s family to come from out of town for a shower that is only 1/3rd about us and includes people who don’t even know my fiance and I, such as Dave’s fiance’s friends and family who at the moment probably don’t even know we exist.
When I told my mom this wasn’t what I planned and that my fiance and I are uncomfortable with the logistics, she said I’m being unappreciative.
I am happy for my engaged friends and siblings but I feel like I have spent my engagement celebrating everyone else, and now my only event in return does not feel special. It feels like the shower is more for my parents to celebrate the fact 3 of their kids are getting married, than it is about celebrating my fiance and my relationship. I could plan a separate wedding shower for just my fiance and I but my relatives are already planning on flying in for this triple wedding shower my mom is planning and i honestly don’t have the time or energy to plan one myself with everything else going on in my life at the moment.
AITA for wanting my wedding shower to just be about my fiance and me?
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Thats considered tacky. You don’t throw a party to get gifts for yourself lol. It’s always thrown by the brides relatives.
I don’t get why sharing it with the male twin was even brought up tho cuz his fiance family should be doing it
I was raised that showers are not given by immediate family. That’s the position in the etiquette books and Miss Manners and all that. Throwing your own is definitely tacky bordering on trashy. She should ask a friend to throw one.
I’m confused with the concept of even sharing it with your twin because he’s a guy and aren’t the showers normally for women? Shouldn’t his fiancé’s family be handling her shower?
It depends actually! Bridal showers are usually women only. Wedding showers can involve the couple and any gender of guest.
And yes… wouldn’t the bride’s mom or friends want to throw her a shower? I’m confused on how all of these families are just going along with this lol
Regardless he and his fiancée have already had their joint family celebration with the engagement party. There’s really no need to share a shower with them. And I agree that this gigantic shower sounds ridiculous…unwieldy, no one’s really getting celebrated, massive logistics issues, etc. and NTA for wanting your own shower. I also wonder why she and her fiance didn’t get an engagement party?
NTA — you didn’t spend your whole engagement playing unpaid wedding planner for everyone else just to get bundled into the Costco bulk-pack version of a bridal shower.
So, you’re okay if your twin shower is the same time but, your other brother is too much? Honestly they’re both men so they shouldn’t be included. They’re fiancés should be having them thrown for them by their family.
Info: so what action are you asking us to judge exactly? You’re unhappy with the situation, but what are you going to do about it?
Your mother is ridiculous. Keep the same weekend but find a different location and have your own party.
NTA. I think it’s perfectly fine to want your own thing.
I’m not sure how you’re going to achieve that, since it sounds like planning is well underway for this inexplicably massive 3-couple-shower. I assume the relatives you mention that are flying in are on your mom’s side, aka, she has already told them it’s set up. Would they fly in several times to go to multiple showers? Unsure. I can see her side where it’s “oh three of my kids are getting married, the more the merrier, one huge event instead of paying for three!!” I’m not sure I’ve ever heard of a triple wedding shower though… Call me too traditional, but it seems kinda weird.
Would you feel comfortable asking a friend to plan a shower just for you and your fiance? Wedding planning was a lot and already stressful enough. Maybe they could help? You could have a smaller event with in-town friends and family.
While you’re NTA, I think you’re gonna have to make a decision really soon whether to go along with it and attend or not. Attending your mom’s planned shower might mean seeing extended family, where they might not attend a separate shower. It doesn’t sound like you’ll be able to convince her to throw you a separate event. Is she always like this? Steamrolling your feelings and lumping you in with other siblings?
NTA
I urge you to plan your own event with the help of a close friend or bridesmaid.
Do not argue or fuss, just politely decline.
Perhaps your future in-laws is be interested in hosting or helping.
NTA. But there is some accountability needed here. You were engaged first but prioritized others over your own engagement. You minimized your needs to your family and expressed you wanted small and not multiple events, they doubled down on that based on being lowkey about everything. You want different but do not have the capacity to plan or do for yourself.
Your options are to accept what is given, go without altogether or plan your own event. Could your wedding party not help plan/throw a thoughtful wedding shower?