We’ve been together for 5 years and finally made the next step of moving in together. With that comes her 1 year old Shitzhu. Now I’m reasonable man and I’m fine with making sacrifices to accommodate situations to make everyone be comfortable, but when it comes to my sleep it’s just something that is very important to me that I get at night. I have diagnosed sleep apnea and I don’t even get a quality night’s rest to begin with and even on a good night’s sleep can still struggle throughout the day with feeling tired and worn down. I work 40 hours a week and pay all the bills. My fiancée works full time too but my hopes is as we move closer to wanting to try for kids that she can work less hours or not at all and I’ll continue to take full responsibility of the bills. That said bearing the full responsibilities of finances that requires me to hold a full time job. And a full time job can only be maintained if I’m getting a proper night’s sleep every night. Which ever since we’ve moved in together I am not and the lack of sleep is affecting every part of my day to day life.
My fiancée allowed her dog to sleep in bed with her since she was a puppy so the dog is fully trained and used to sleeping in a bed every night and has no concept of sleeping on the floor or in a crate at night. This dog doesn’t just close it’s eyes and sleep through the night. It’s constantly fidgeting and moving around, walking around the bed, walking on both of us, walking on my face in the middle of the night. It would be one thing if this dog slept soundly throughout the night but it basically just naps and then spends half the night awake wondering why we’re not up entertaining her.
I am so sorry you are going through this. NTA.
You are clearly telling the woman that is supposed to love you that her dog’s sleep habit impacts your health and ability to share the kind of life she wants. It doesn’t seem to sink in.
When you told her about this, did she suggest any solutions? What is her proposed fix for this so you could get some sleep? What you are doing ia not sustainable long-term.
If she refuses to address this in a way that prioritizes you, you might need to accept the fact that while you love her to death and want to marry her, she might love her dog more than she does you.
I agree, I’ve had 3 retrievers and none have been allowed on the bed, let alone in it.
My current girl sleeps in her crate. The first dog I trained to not sleep on the bed and she was very good to check if she was allowed at other times.
The boy I had he would if he could so we ended up putting a leash on him and tethered to the chest foot , long enough to move around and get comfortable on his bed ( hated crates) but couldn’t get up on bed.
Disrupting sleep is the worst. Your fiancé needs to compromise.
NTA – obviously to not wanting a dog walking all over you at night. However, you need to keep working with your doctors with your sleep situation. You stated you wanted kids at some point, and do you know what ruins sleep? A baby.
Dude this dog is the least of your sleep problems as you grow in life. If you can’t function at work with a dog waking you up you’re in trouble.
Figure out a fix for your sleep.
YTA. You have sleep apnea and are blaming your medical sleep problems on a dog. Your anatomy stops oxygen from getting to your brain and your brain wakes you up to force you to breathe. Yet you’re blaming your sleep problems on a dog? A Shitzu, bred to be a companion dog, to be on the other side of the door at night alone?
NTA, but have you considered separate bedrooms ?
We have them because we have vastly different rhythms. He wakes up at 6 naturally and starts his day by working in bed, I have to wake no earlier than 8 and like to snooze for a little while. I stay awake a lot longer than him. The dogs in the room wake him up but are comforting for me. I toss and turn, he is a light sleeper.
Sounds like you’re not really compatible. You have a health issue, but that’s not her fault. The dog sleeping on the bed obviously means a lot to her and you can’t just decide to ignore that. You need your sleep, she needs hers, the dog could mean better sleep for her. Why isn’t the solution to teach the dog to stay on her side of the bed?
But the part that sticks out for me… You say you want to pay all the bills, only to turn it around and say you should get to decide about the dog now *because* you pay all the bills… Yeah, that’s a bit manipulative, since nobody pushed the bills on you. You expect to turn her into a SAHM, then disregard her wishes and priorities because she doesn’t make money?
Look up sunk cost fallacy and find somebody without a dog.
You’ve been together 5 years and the dog is 1 year old? I have questions. How have you not talked about this before? You’ve been together since before she even got the dog, and the whole time she’s been raising him. Have you never spent the night together before? No dog that is used to sleeping with his person is going to suddenly be okay not sleeping in her bed. It’s understandable that this doesn’t work for you, but the time to raise this issue would have been before moving in together.
Is it possible to sleep apart, as in set up a separate second bedroom for yourself? This might be the only way forward for you as a couple.
NTA
BUT
You say you want kids, but you can barely handle sleepless nights with a dog? My daughter is 21 months old and i haven’t slept through the night since I was around 6 months pregnant. When she first came it was hourly/2 hourly wake ups, and even now she wakes up during the night sometimes.. sacrifices have to be made.
Maybe you should have separate bedrooms, it works for a lot of couples – although I suggested this to my partner (he snores and rolls all over me during the night lmao send help) and he said he wouldn’t feel like we were actually together if we did that🤷♀️
You can have a healthy relationship and have separate bedrooms.
INFO – what treatment are you receiving for your sleep apnea? How long ago did you live in with your fiancée, and did you not share a bed at any point between her getting the dog and you living together?
If you really want to keep the relationship going, get a second bed. Either 2 singles in 1 room or sleep in two totally separate rooms. Sure, you might end up living more as roommates, but at least you’ll get your sleep, and if she wants to share a bed with you, maybe she’ll finally train her dog. Imo ESH figure it out or go your seperate ways cause the dogs gonna live for at least the next decade. If you can’t tolerate a dog in bed, you’re really gonna hate future kids in your bed
NAH. Everyone needs quality sleep, but its not fair to displace muffin either.
Some couples find it necessary to sleep separately, this may be one of those situations. You’ll be able to control every aspect of your sleep hygiene. That’s important. If you have apnea are you using a CPAP? Sleeping separately and utilizing one could really improve things for you.