Hi I’m 22(F) I live with my partner 22(M) his brother, his mum 46(F) and her partner 27(F). They took us in after we had a bad housing situation. Me and partner have 5 month old twins and we are first time parents. My partners mum wants to get involved a lot with the babies and she has been getting involved a lot since the beginning. There were times that she would be waking up and running to them during the night it annoyed me but she kept excusing it as her “motherly instincts” kicking in. I drew boundaries many times saying that I don’t want them soothing the babies when they cry as I can do it myself and I like to do it myself but they insisted on helping and saying how I should just accept the help. She keeps asking to change their nappies and do other things involving them. I told her that if I ever need help I will ask for it. We got into a heated argument yesterday and her partner said that the are scared to ask me anything to do with the babies because I say no to everything and if it’s down to me to ask them about help then they will never get to take care of them. But bottom line I’m their mother am I not? I’m not restricting them from playing with them or cuddling etc but these vulnerable moments like feeding, changing nappies or bathing is something me and my partner want to be doing. I’ve tried explaining this so many times but it’s like I’m talking to a brick wall. They keep talking about how I should put myself in their shoes but they don’t put themselves in my shoes.. I understand that these are her first grandchildren but they are also my first children and I would like to have the full experience. I was under the assumption that grandparents are there to help when the parents need it is that not right?
EDIT: I think I should mention that we aren’t just sitting on our bums all day, I do most of the cleaning around the house and cook for everyone even though I don’t have to I do, whilst taking care of my 2 babies. I’m not stressed out I don’t have anxiety I think I need to make this clear because you guys think there’s an underlying issue when there’s nothing. Is it really so wrong for a first time mum wanting to keep certain things to herself? Is there any reason why they should be involved in these tasks that I don’t want them involved in? I appreciate their help for taking us in but I’m still contributing to the household.
NTA because you’re spot on, you’re the parents and at the end of the day, what you two say goes.
*But*, your MIL helping with those things, doesn’t take away from your full experience of motherhood. So I do wonder if this is more about you getting a sense of control while you’re in an environment you don’t get to control fully.
I’m in the minority on this but YTA. It sounds like you’ve got postpartum anxiety and you’re taking it out on people trying to help you.
EDIT: I was the same way with both my kids in the newborn stage and I will 100% admit to being an overly anxious, controlling asshole. It was a bad time.
Here’s the deal, there will come a time when you need help and quite frankly they should simply say no and walk away.
And no, feeding, changing diapers and bathing are not sacred special moments. You get the full experience without gatekeeping and refusing help. You know what refusing help leads to? Stress, burn out, etc.
it also seems like this is anything. Kids are crying? They can’t smooth them. Two kids poop at the same time? One kid has to wait because you refuse help. Babies are hungry at the same time? One has to scream because only you can feed them. All while relying on the I -laws for food, shelter, heat, water and wi-fi.
I am not sure if this is nah or leaning towards yta.