I (24/F) met with my best friend (Kate) and another friend (Sara) shortly before Christmas. We went to a Christmas market and then we had something to eat.
I mentioned before that I don’t currently have a job. My friend S does have a job, one that pays well. We had the topic. Now if I’m out with K we dont care who pays. It somehow equals out besides it’s never high amounts.
Now I said on the table to them to split the bill, I looked at Sara and told her to do 50:50, I took Kate out since she is the driver + had the least amount.
Sara and I we both pulled out our wallets, Sara put hers back like last second and tells me thanks for paying.
Now. I wouldn’t have minded it that hard if Sara hadnt went to buy 3 games for the switch right after. Now my breaking point came actually on Christmas.
Sara’s gift, was 9 jars of some homemade marmalade (which I won’t eat) 2 sausages (without any labels or answer when I asked what they are) and a box with military rations. I was hurt by her gift, I dont care about the value or whatever but the fact that her grandfather who she has no contact too and like two other persons got the exact same gift stung. I would have wished for something a little bit more personal?
Now I’m wondering if I would be the asshole for asking for her portion of the money?
For relation:
I get 40€ a month, she earns at least 1500€.
The bill was 60€ her portion was 25€
YTA. looks like you are only wanting to ask her for money because you don’t like the homemade gift
That’s what I fear. Its not about the gift itself more the fact that its nothing personal. Like she gave the same gift to the people she is not close. She even told me my father can probably do more with it.
definitely worth a conversation. as far as lunch goes, if that’s your only concern rn and these are your best friends let that go. next time discuss splitting bill prior but remember money comes and goes and it’s never worth losing your best friends over
Some people are extremly bad at giving gifts. Or choosing some. So they choose something that they think would be something that someone likes (homeomade gifts you can eat/use + standard things like chocolate. Maybe the sausages were also from a loval market or some thing so local farmers are profiting from that) for those who don’t tell them what they wish for.
YTA. It’s the new year. Water under the bridge. Reevaluate these friendships and move on. Don’t ask her for money.
Moving forward, if you’re on a budget/in-between jobs during the holidays, don’t offer to pay more than your fair share of something. Going out with 3 friends but only paying for 1 is tricky. I understand you wanted to compensate the driver friend – but you should have squared that up separately.
The actual holiday gift giving is a separate subject. You claim you don’t care about the value, but you do. Do you normally gift exchange with this friend? What did YOU give her? (Rhetorical questions) My friends and I have an understanding that we don’t do holiday gift exchanges. There is already enough financial stress of the season without having to buy material things for each other. Spending time together laughing and creating memories doesn’t need to cost money.
I get what you mean
The thing is I didn’t offer to pay. I didn’t invite. I told her to split the bill, she nodded. She put her wallet away last second. I just feel tricked?
As for the gift, no I don’t, we do gift exchanges. I wouldn’t have minded her gift if she had put something personal like a note or whatever but there was none. The Jars could be argued but I don’t eat them. Its like gifting a Vegetarian a steak.
I re-read what you wrote about the 50/50 split. I understand now, you paid for the entire bill. BUT that is on you. You didn’t clarify in the moment, so you can’t go back weeks later and ask for the money. You would BTA.
I’m sorry that you’re disappointed with your friend’s gift. I think it’s thoughtful, and I love re-gifting LOL. She gave you food that you can consume yourself or share with others (like your father!)
Homemade marmalade seems pretty personal to me.
Yeah just that I don’t eat any of that. Especially not 9 jars
What did you give Sara for Christmas?
Home made marmalade sounds like a lovely gift, 9 jars is generous, whether or not you eat it.
I do think its weird that you discussed the 50:50 and she bucked out in the last minute but I don’t think its worth losing sleep over.
Well I got her an extraordinary backing form since she likes baking, a little guardian angel, a self-made bracelet and cookies.
9 jars are little much, I dont know where to put them since I feel bad for just throwing them away
Soft YTA. It’s too late. You agreed 50/50 and she reneged on it straight away. That was the time to call her out.
You are now beginning to get a clearer view of how S views your friendship. If you want to stay “friends” with this mooch, it is time to reinforce your boundaries. Pay for yourself only when with her. No more pulling out your card/cash/whatever until she has paid her share of the bill. Just sit and wait (and be prepared to wait her out). Or make it clear, in front of her, to the staff that you are only paying for what you eat and drink so you require a separate bill.
Or walk away from her. Your choice.
Yeah I didn’t clarify it in that moment because I thought maybe she didnt bring much money. And I didn’t want to embarrass her. So I stayed silent but then she left and got 2 games for the nintendo switch. Since then I debate myself what to do because I felt used