I (27F) live in the US alone. I came here in 2016, and have been living in my current studio apartment since 2020. I haven’t been back to China since 2021. When I was doing MA and still had my parents’ support, I told them they can stay at my apartment when they visit. They came visit once in 2024, however it was for my graduation in a different city.
They asked to come visit this Chinese new year and at first I was happy. I haven’t seen them for 2 years and I was so excited to show them around. I almost forgot about the fact that we never had a good relationship growing up. However, my excitement was gone when they said their plan is to stay at my place for 2 weeks. I told them it’s better to get a hotel room since my apartment is 350 sqft and will be way too cramped for 3 people, and I only have one bed and one couch.
This is not a case of them can’t afford a hotel room. They are well off and spent 10k USD on their flight tickets here for business class with no transfers. It’s much better to live in a hotel than my apartment. However, my mom said if there’s no bed they’ll sleep on the floor. I told her it’s pretty messy at my place and they won’t like it, to which she said she won’t get mad and if she did I can just remind her. I had to came up with 5 different reasons before she finally agreed to book a hotel.
Not only that my apt isn’t for 3 people, but also my mom has a history of looking through my stuff. When I was young, she would read any paper I have at home, then act like she’s doing me a favor by doing so. She also really wants me to go back to China, to the point that she told me she’s abandoning the bunny we had at home if I’m not going back and left the bunny without water for 4 days after I found a caregiver.
I’m ok with having them visit my apartment, but there’s absolutely no way I can leave them alone there. It’s all I have, not mentioning i don’t want them to hold my documents hostage. I think back then it’s reasonable to stay at my place because they paid for it, now I’m working and have confidential paperwork at my place, it’s no longer ok.
I have work on the day they come so I booked a ride for them to the hotel and my mom said “we land at 9 so we’ll be at the hotel latest at 12, but the check in time isn’t until 4.” I asked her what she wanted me to do and she went silent. In the end I took half day off from work and told her that I’ll take them to eat before checkin, which she said “so are we going to your place first?” And I told her “No. You guys are going to the hotel first. I’ll meet you there.”
She went silent for a few hours before telling me how hurtful it was that I won’t let them stay there when they have 4 hours until checking in, or that I’m asking her to book a hotel at all. She thinks it’s CNY and she should be allowed to stay at her daughter’s place. I would’ve said yes if our relationship wasn’t that awful growing up, but I also feel like an AH for how hurt she is. AITA?
NTA. Secure (a lock box, ina padlocked closet, at work, at a friends house, etc…) all of your important papers before they arrive.
Edited for spelling
I second this idea. It will relieve a lot of your anxiety. Just put anything you wouldn’t want your parents to have access to in a box and store it somewhere else. Rent a storage closet if you have to.
Also, you can call a hotel and arrange for early check-in. Or just ask if there’s a room ready early, there usually is. Most hotels aren’t booked solid every night, so whatever rooms were empty the preceding night are ready to go. Good luck with this two weeks!
Your apartment is not suitable for guests. Therefore you are NTA. You must not let her manipulate you into feeling guilty about that.
NTA,
But get anything you don’t want them to see out of the apartment.
Have a friend hold onto a bag filled with all your important documents and stuff. Or,if you are in school and have access to a gym, buy a lock and use the lockers at the gym. (Just make sure to move to a different locker everyday)
They are gonna end up alone at your apartment at some point. Your mom is gonna guilt you and make sure of it. So be prepared and get anything out of there you don’t want them to see or go through.
I’d just get a safe. You can bolt it to a removeable shelf in a closet so you don’t get fined for damage.
But also, I would not give them a key or leave them there alone. They get dropped off at the hotel at night and they don’t come drop by before work because they’ll just say they want to hang out there while OP works and we know what will happen.
NTA. you’re trying to keep your lifestyle safe, and you said they have the money to have a comfortable stay without endangering your privacy. you’ve already said you won’t let them be alone in your house but i’d also advice to keep your legal documents with you, maybe in a bag, when you’re hosting them. or maybe keep them at work if that’s possible. stay safe.
NTA
May I suggest that you go through your house several times and gather ALL your important documents and place them in a safety deposit box? The rental fee will be so much cheaper than the worry and hyper vigilance you’ll have while your parents visit. There is no way to keep them out of your home 100% of the time.
And you know your mom. She WILL snoop. And she’s got YEARS of snooping to catch up on. If you remove the stuff you really don’t want her to see you’ll feel so much lighter and more in control. Sometimes the cheapest way to pay is money.
Also – if your budget allows – pay for a cleaner before their visit. Then you won’t take your mom’s “insights” about your cleanliness personally.
NTA. It’s normal to feel bad for your mom, but you are 100 percent correct in everything you said. Especially since you have sensitive documents at your home. You still need to go through your apartment and pick up every scrap of paper in there and remove it from your apartment before they get there. Take it to work, if you can. Put it all in a lockbox in the trunk of your car. Rent a locker somewhere, or a lockbox at a bank. Give it to a friend you trust that your parents will never meet. Do not give your mother even the remotest chance of reading anything. You know how she is!
Also, now that you are an adult, have a job, are supporting yourself, and living in America, and they are not dependent on you, it’s time for you to grow a backbone. Be polite, but be firm in the decisions you make. No longer will you cave to her disapproving silences that are fully intended to control you. You can answer her silences with silence yourself. That will speak volumes louder than any reasons you give her why you cannot do what she wants you to do. Some people will say, but she’s your mother, or, but it’s only two weeks. No. This is your life and your little apartment is too small, and you can’t take off work anytime she wants you too, and you’re an adult with a life and adult responsibilities. You are not your mother’s activities director or babysitter or personal tour guide to be available at her beck and call.
Good luck.
NTA. Honey, maybe nobody told you this but you deserve your privacy. Also, know that you can be proud of you for achieving stability at 27 yo, you don’t need anyone let alone your parents to look through your stuff, this is a way of treating you like a child while you’re an adult!
NTA, it’s your space and your rules family or not, boundaries are crucial for your mental health like, why would you willingly invite chaos into your home?
NTA
If you rent, long term overnight guests are almost certainly against the terms of your lease.
NTA. Business class tickets but guilt over an hotel room? It sounds more about control than money. Just my two cents
i would’ve cut her off permanently over the animal abuse but that’s just me i guess. NTA but what do you get out of a relationship with them???
NTA
I think you are doing a very impressive job of keeping the connection with them but also upholding your own boundaries (with reasonable respect, even if your mom would disagree).
I also concur with the general advice to get your most important papers under lock & key/ safely out of your apartment… if your mom is someone who (1) will go through your things, (2) will use any means possible to force you to do what she wants, and (3) wants to get you back to the home country.