Background: My husband (35M) and I (30F) are staunchly childfree. However, we are not child haters. I work with children who have mental health needs and we spend time most months with our nieces and nephews (ages 1-8, both blood and chosen family).
I’ve hosted an annual Galentine’s event since 2018 and historically this event has been adults only. The date was selected back in December for late February. The following text exchange happened this week:
Friend: "I may need to bring my one-year-old. Does that ruin the vibe? Husband works and my mom is going to have my other two, but leaving one-year-old with her makes me nervous since he requires a lot more attention."
Side note: her other two children are elementary aged.
Me: "Oh, this is a tough situation. I wouldn’t say bringing one-year-old would ruin the vibe, but it does change the vibe. Since people said yes knowing it was a kid free event, I don’t feel like it’s fair to change it."
Friend: "I guess I didn’t realize this was a kid free event, since other friend and I have always brought our kiddos when they’re still little and/or nursing. But no worries! If by next weekend I still don’t feel comfortable leaving him with my mom I’ll just have to miss it. Not a big deal."
Side note: two exceptions have been made over eight years for young babies (under 6 months) who are exclusively nursing. The child in question is one and is walking and eating solids, nurses for comfort.
Me: "I do think there’s a difference in a babe in arms who is solely breastfeeding and a 1-year-old who requires a lot more stimulation and attention. But ultimately, you have to do what’s best for you and your kids. If you don’t feel comfortable, I fully understand! And I’m sorry for the miscommunication."
She didn’t respond to the last text and truthfully, I feel like she put me in an unfair position.
Although I am childfree, I do feel like I do a lot for the people in my life with kids. I set up savings accounts for the kids when they’re born to gift when they turn 18. For the first year of their kids lives, I send them a pack of diapers and a book monthly. I now live about 90 minutes from my hometown and it’s about 70/30 that I come to them to hang out, since traveling with kids is more of a challenge. I help prep and set up for every birthday party. For birthdays and holidays, I gift experiences and take the kids to places like Disney on Ice, the zoo, winter light shows, etc.
I don’t feel like it’s unreasonable to host a childfree event, but I also try really hard not to be the friend to leave out their friends with kids. Am I the asshole for setting a firm expectation for this specific event?
Edited to add a few additional details:
I didn’t mean to gloss over that one of the exceptions previously made was for her. It was seven years ago for her oldest, about five months old at the time. She never asked or brought her middle child. It’s a small event, only six of us. Only one other person at the event has a child (toddler) and she has secured childcare.
I appreciate all the perspectives! General consensus is that the last text was too much. She and I have been friends since middle school and have been through many ups and downs together. She means a lot to me, so I’m going reach out to her later today to apologize for how I ended the conversation ❤️
NAH. Nobody’s an asshole here. It’s just a girl’s get together, it’s not that big a deal.
NAH. You’re allowed to have a child-free event, she’s allowed to ask questions about the boundaries and decide she’s unable to come.
You’re starting to lean toward being the asshole by dwelling on all of the things you’ve done for her and her kids. She asked, you told her, it’s over–move on.
Yes, the emphasis on all the things OP
does and the insistence about being “staunchly childfree but we don’t hate kids” does feel a bit like overcompensating and somewhat judgmental.
I disagree. I think she was just getting ahead of the way that Redditors do Olympic level conclusion jumps. I’m not really sure who she would be judging in the scenario.
NAH. Your friend wasn’t an asshole to ask (sometimes babies are an exception to a “no kids” rule, and a one-year-old is right at the edge), and you aren’t an asshole for being firm about the rule and saying no.
And damn, you sure do a lot for your friends’ kids! As a childless woman with lots of children in my life, I suddenly feel very ungenerous. However, none of that generosity is at all related to the question at hand, and mentioning all of that almost makes you seem a tad assholey. As does the fact that you seem to be making a much bigger deal about this than your friend.
I still think NAH, especially w/r/t actual actions, but you’re just a teensy bit of an asshole in your reasoning and your undue annoyance that your friend would even ask to bring her one-year-old.
NTA; Ya’ll communicated and I’m glad she asked before just showing up with her kid. It’s ok that you wanted and planned for a child free event.
YTA for your last text. Her text was gracious and explained why she misunderstood while totally being cool with the fact that her kid couldn’t go.
Your last text back, I can’t put my finger on exactly why, but it just doesn’t come across nice. A nice text would have been something like, “I’m sorry for the miscommunication, I hope it works out for you to come but totally understand if it does not.” So I get why she hasn’t responded.
NAH
> I feel like she put me in an unfair position
She asked because exceptions were made previously, you said no, she literally said “Not a big deal”.
What is the conflict here? Nobody is calling anybody else an AH.
That last message from OP was a little prickly, splitting hairs about the babe in arms thing. She should have pivoted, placed the ball back in her friends court and added “if you do end up having to miss it, can we get together the next week? I’ll miss you!”
I’m childfree, too, but I think this is a wee bit YTA. Not because you’re hosting a childfree event, that’s allowed. But why get so bent out of shape merely because someone asked if they could bring their child? Isn’t that what you’d prefer guests do—ask rather than assume it’s fine?
If you feel you’ve been wronged and “put in an uncomfortable position” each time you simply have to tell someone “no,” life is going to be difficult.
NAH, you guys talked it out and it’s just not an event for children
NAH
You said no and she accepted. Where is the problem?
nah but your follow up text was unnecessary.
Seems like you both had an adult conversation without anyone losing their cool, just leave it at that. Nobody is the asshole.