My girlfriend (22F) asked me months ago if I wanted to come to her medical school white coat ceremony. The thing is, in order for me to go, I’d have to spend a lot of money flying across the country. On top of that, she mentioned that her family and extended family would all be there, so we wouldn’t get any one-on-one time. I wouldn’t even be able to sleep in the same bed with her.
I told her I really wanted to be there, but I wasn’t sure it made sense financially or realistically, especially since we wouldn’t have any time to ourselves. At the time, she said okay and seemed to understand.
Now she’s bringing it up again and called me selfish for not wanting to go. She also said she’s talked to her friends, and apparently all of them have boyfriends who would do it. But even knowing we wouldn’t have any alone time, I still feel like it’s a lot to ask for me to fly across the country just to watch her ceremony, especially when I can’t spend meaningful time with her there.
I want to support her, but I also feel like my concerns are valid. AITA for not going?
YTA. There seems to be a lot of emphasis on sex. So if you could sleep in the same bed you would go?
Most of her family will be there, do you want this to be their first impressions?
Depends how much money it is, you don’t say. But it’s clearly important to her and you don’t say you can’t afford it, just that it’s a lot of money to not have one on one time. If you see a future with this girlfriend I recommend going.
YTA. It’s not about getting alone time with her. This is her graduation, it’s important.
YTA. If you’re serious about this girl, I mean.
Being supportive means being there even when there’s nothing to gain from your side.
The ceremony is meaningful to her and her inviting you is meaningful.
No judgement, just a comment. 6 years ago, I wasn’t able to attend my long distance boyfriend’s med school graduation—it was far, I had an important work conference, I skipped it. I regretted it then, and we’re now married and I still regret not being there for him.
If she and your relationship are important to you, just go. You’ll regret not going more than you’ll regret going.
YTA. I can understand wanting to spend time with your girl, especially after she’s accomplished something that takes a lot of hard work and dedication.
But here’s the thing: THIS ISNT ABOUT YOU. This trip is to show your girlfriend that you’re proud of her, that you support her, that this is important to you, too. And declining because you cant sleep in the same bed or cant get a solo dinner is selfish. You’ll still be spending time with her!! Imagine how happy she’d be knowing her boyfriend would go all that way to say “I see you, babe! I’m so proud of you!”
But she won’t because you’re making this entire accomplishment about YOU and WHAT YOU WANT. Does it suck you wont get alone time? Sure. But it sucks even more that you’re putting your own needs above your girlfriends for an event like this.
What happens in the future when another big event comes, say giving birth? Are you going to back out because “well, her family will be in the room and it’s expensive anyway?”
TLDR: this trip isnt about you or what you want. Either show up and support your girlfriend or find a new girlfriend.
YTA.
You said, “especially when I can’t spend meaningful time with her there”. The ceremony itself is meaningful for her. The ceremony itself is the point. That’s the whole meaning. And if you don’t think that’s meaningful, then you very much are YTA.
‘Meaningful’ for him = getting laid.
He can’t find anything ‘meaningful’ about watching his gf get recognised for an extraordinary achievement and share the biggest moment of her life so far…
YTA. Quite staggeringly so.
YTA. You are totally missing the point.
This isn’t about you getting private time with her. It’s not about you.
It’s about her. She’s done a load of studying. She wants you and her family there celebrating her achievements. Standing beside her in the photos. Being proud. Her extended family are making the effort. Her own boyfriend is like *whatever*. All her friends boyfriends are going. Every time someone asks her “Why isn’t OP here” that’s going to be a little chip away at your relationship.
You say elsewhere you can afford the ticket. And also that you’re serious about the relationship. Relationships are about actions more than words.
Show her she matters.
Go.
So your whole motivation to support her is to get alone time? I can understand not affording to go but if having alone time is the deciding factor then I do think you are being selfish.
YTA
She’s going to be celebrating a huge milestone, and your attitude is ‘if we can’t have sex it’s not worth it for me to come.’
If I were her, I’d be seriously reconsidering the relationship.
YTA so you don’t want to go because you won’t get any sex or do what you want to do. That’s such a bs reason. Being with a partner is more than satisfying your own needs, it’s also about satisfying theirs. I work in a medical school. The white coat ceremony is a BIG deal. It symbolizes their entrance into the medical field. They take their hippocratic oaths and are conferred the honor of wearing the white coat- the symbol of being an actual physician. It’s a special, emotional celebratory time that she wants to share with you and you don’t want to be there for her because you won’t get sex? Come on dude.
What are you even bringing to the table in this relationship? You’ve demonstrated no happiness, excitement or pride for her accomplishments. I hope she breaks up with you. She deserves someone who wouldn’t miss her white coat ceremony for the world.
Maybe you should do some self reflection and work on yourself to be a better person before being in a relationship.
YTA, obviously.
YTA I don’t see this relationship surviving long distance if your attitude is you’ll only be there for her for important events if you get to have sex.
Just wondering, how important is her happiness to you? Or, more simply, how important is she to you?
Because it doesn’t seem like you think about either one of these questions. All you seem to be thinking of is what you get out of this trip.
For that, think YTA