Me (14F) and my brother (12) was asked by my dad (43M) if we wanted to go to his apartment for thanksgiving. My parents separated at the beginning of April but haven’t officially gotten divorced yet and are trying to figure things out still. My dad was wondering if me and my brother would like to go to his apartment for thanksgiving since we would be at my moms (40) for Christmas (He will also be there for Christmas). My mom will not be going to his apartment with us.
I don’t have the greatest relationship with my dad and i just feel like we need space to cool off right now (We just got back from a 3 week trip). I also feel like my personal space was invaded because he still stays in this house just in a different room, uses me and my brothers bathroom, and just acts like this is his place, And doesn’t clean up after himself, So it’s always me or my mom cleaning up after him when he leaves for work or his apartment.
He travels a lot for work so he’s usually not in our home a lot but recently the traveling has been dialed down to about once a month. Because his apartment is 2 hours from our house he spends the night often so that he can “Hang out with us” or “be around us” (Us being me and my brother) But most of the time he just watches TV and eats our food. We had this room called “The Den” But now that’s his bedroom for when he stays the night but before it used to have an old could and a tv and other things just for that room, But he took all of it for his apartment. So now we just have 1 couch a 1 TV, Which is fine, But when he’s here he never lets anyone else use it, And when he does he yells at us to turn it off because he “Can’t handle listening to this”.
The main reason i don’t want to go over to his apartment is because we would be there for 7 days, And the apartment has 2 rooms but the room that was supposed to be mine (He said so when he first moved in) Is now going to be a guest room, Which is fine by me, Cause yeah it’s not like ima be staying there a lot anyway, But then i learn he has yet to buy a bed for that room. Or any furniture at all. So he expects for me and my brother to sleep on the couch that can barely hold 1 person, let alone 2.
My mom has been invited to spend thanksgiving with not one but two other family friends so she’s not gonna be spending thanksgiving alone and i’m happy for her.
i’m not super big on thanksgiving so if it was up to me i would just rather hang out with a friend or two instead of my family. And if my friends had plans i would just hang with myself, Im an introvert so it’s not like it’s an issues that i MUST be with someone to have fun.
Should i just suck it up and go over there? Also, If not could you help me come up with. ways to say i don’t want to please? Thank you so much!
Wow. I’m a mom to two adult sons but their dad and I split when they were 12 and 3. If I knew they had no designated place to sleep when they went to their fathers, he and I would have had to have a discussion. Do your parents have formal custody arrangements? Is your mother aware of what goes on in the family home when her soon to be ex husband is there? Does she approve? Or are you all keeping information away from her? Can your parent afford two twin beds for his spare room? If your mom is traveling for thanksgiving why can’t dad stay with you. You are not the AH but there is a lot of information that is not available and mom should be broght in in the discussion. I also never forced my kids to have visitation with the other parent. That is for the adults to discuss, and the kids should also be able to express their feelings.
My father has a spending habit, So he says that he doesn’t have the money to buy a bed right now. He will buy a bed eventually but says it will just be a regular single bed so that other family members can use to visit and if me and my brother visits at the same time my brother would just sleep on the couch. My mother is also aware of it but she feels that she shouldn’t just kick him out or anything like that since they want to continue being “friends.” She complains about it but doesn’t do anything since it’s his house and his money.
If your parents do not have a formal, custody agreement, then I would advise you not to go. Your parents should not be including a 14 year old in their financial problems. Their financial situation is their problem, and they are making it yours by the sounds of it. Your mom and dad need to understand that this situation is making you uncomfortable. Please find an adult, not reddit that you can speak to immediately about the sleeping arrangements at your fathers residence. A teacher, councilor, or a trusted relative. Good luck and please find someone closer to home who can help advise your family in this situation.
He needs to make a space for you and your brother when you visit. If he pulls that off, I’d say visit him for a couple of days. Probably not 5 though.
Short answer: NTA
How to address this with the parental units is a lot more involved.
First of all, all that stuff about your Dad’s behavior in your Mom’s place is irrelevant to this issue. Do not think about it much less talk about it until after Thanksgiving.
Step 1. Talk with the parents of the friend you want to stay with. They need to give permission first before you talk with your mom. Make sure you know if they need money to cover the extra food/expenses for you.
Step 2. Talk with your Mom.
– Your father has not put in the effort to ensure overnight guests are comfortable in his apartment.
– You are a developing female and are uncomfortable sharing a couch with your brother.
– Your father doesn’t keep the apartment clean and it is gross. I don’t know if this is actually true but given his behavior in your home, it may be only a matter of time.
– The separation has given you a lot of stress and you want time away from everyone.
– It is possible that she would rather you go with her to other relatives. You need to be prepared to say yes to that.
The key is getting your mom to agree. After that, the two of you can figure out how to deal with your Dad.
I hope this helps! Good luck!
Edited because my thumbs can’t type!
Please talk to your mom about this. She may reconsider her own plans if she knows how you feel and knows the issues at the apartment.