My cousin (28F) and I (27F) used to be really close when we were in our teens. Our dad’s are brothers so we always saw each other 24/7 and wanted to hang out, spend the night etc basically like sisters. We were attached by the hip. Well once highschool hit we kinda drifted apart, we both found our own group of friends and our own things to do beside hang out with each other. I had a bf in HS that she didnt like and she always resented me for hanging out with him more than her.
My bf during that time was always telling me how controlling she was and it made me realize how shitty she used to treat me back when we were really close. She would always boss me around and if I wasn’t hanging out with her I was the worst person ever to her. It made me feel like I was walking on eggshells around her after that like am I doing this right oh no what if she gets mad if I do this etc. Not to mention when I would hang out with her and her friends I was pretty much left out and they wouldn’t talk to me hardly so I felt super isolated. It made me not want to be around her anymore.
Well fast forward years later and I basically have distanced myself so far from her after HS that we barely hang out like once in a blue moon and she also has a kid now so she always invites me over and I usually decline. I do attend family gatherings more often and we see each other there or at her kids birthday parties and stuff but thats about it. Idk ive just been really protective over my emotions and who I hang out with. She tends to say things and do things that just dont sit right with me. But I do feel this guilt for not hanging out with her anymore. Like I miss how close we used to be but I still just feel like we are living two totally different lifestyles and when we hang out its pretty awkward because we dont have alot of things in common. AITA for not wanting to be around her that much and saying no to hangouts? It also doesn’t help that I almost feel obligated to see her because she’s family.
Get counseling, for yourself
You stopped a toxic relationship
NTA
NTA. You do what’s best for you
NTA. Think about how you feel when you’ve spent time with her. Do you feel happy, lifted up, better about the world, or something else good? Or do you leave feeling drained, tired, annoyed, full of self-doubt, or something else negative? That tells you what you need to know. And I find it’s oddly consistent with people – like even if I e spent time comforting a friend in a crisis, I still feel buoyed by the closeness and care. But even after an ostensible fun event with someone who isn’t a good friend, I’ll still feel exhausted. So see how you feel *now* with her. Maybe she’s grown since the old days and you’re happy around her again – then you could spend more time. But if not, then, that’s your answer.
It’s sad to miss the closeness you used to have, but if the relationship isn’t healthy for you it’s not. And that closeness can’t be regained by sacrificing your own well being.
People can grow apart, and friendships can fade – that’s just how life sometimes goes.
NTA.
Sounds to me like she used you like a door mat. You were okay to hang out with if she didn’t have better options. Treated you badly, or ignored you completly if her other friends were around. You have no obligation to hang out with her now. Doesn’t matter how close you use to be or even the fact that you are family. You do not not like how she makes you feel back then or now. NTAO
NTA You might feel better about all of this when you connect the dots.
You “miss how close we used to be” before high school.
In high school, you “realiz(ed) how shitty she used to treat me back when we were really close”.
The closeness you miss is based on you not realizing that your cousin enjoyed treating you badly. It was a kind of false closeness, false happiness, based on your youthful ignorance. You miss someone who never really existed. Once you saw who she really was, you rightly didn’t want to spend time with her anymore.
I get it, it is part of healing from abusive relationships. There’s a kind of nostalgia that hits you sometimes. You wish for the days before you knew, when you were convinced that person loved you in the way people are supposed to love you, the way you wanted to be loved. When I feel that way, I gently remind myself of the truth, forgive myself for feeling nostalgic for the not so good old days, and feel grateful that I am in healthier relationships now.
NTA. You’ve already grown apart. I don’t understand why you’re feeling bad about this now. You’re not obligated to see family. I think I last saw my cousin 14 years ago.
NTA. But make sure you aren’t holding against her things she did when she was 12, and what your boyfriend said about her to maybe be controlling himself. Guys can be notorious about isolating girlfriends from others so they can monopolize their time