My sister and I (F18) recently just got into a tiff about something that happened 2 DAYS ago. Basically, I was at home alone having a shower and the doorbell rings, and it’s annoying because I had to get out and go downstairs just to open it for my sister. On the way down she rings the doorbell again right after the first chime just ended and it set me off further so I yelled "I’m coming OMG!" And I open the door and my sister comes in now pissed off, whispering under her breath about how I can’t just do one small thing for her. The gag is, she never has her keys for the door! She expects everyone including my disabled amputee father to come running at her behest to open the door for her, and each time she enters the house pissed off because we aren’t quick enough. She has a terrible attitude, especially when she’s about to be on her period; and my parents LET her be so rude to them and me, but frankly I’m tired of it. Cut to today, I come home after shopping and I had not seen her all day, I bought ingredients to make rice paper rolls for the family and I ask her "are you gonna have some?" And she just says "Oh so now you’re nice to me? No more yelling?" In the most whiny voice ever and in my head I’m like wtf? That happened days ago, I’m over it, I literally FORGOT about it. Then she says to my mum that IM the one always in a mood and I NEVER apologise for my actions, which I find shocking because not only does the rest of the family have to tread on ice around her when SHE’S annoyed but she never says sorry. My mum then says I need to stop being a bitch and apologise, so I say sorry and that’s apparently not enough. When my sister walks away my mum says "say sorry properly and give your big sister a hug". But to be honest, I don’t understand why they side with her all the time when they complain about her behaviours. I don’t think I should say sorry, I’m pissed off that I’m constantly the one that has to apologise but she never apologises to me for her short temper. It’s unfair, and I sort of feel like she’s being favoured by my parents. Am I crazy for not wanting to apologise? I know this seems so minor but it’s been happening forever. I’m over her being able to get away with her terrible attitude and rude behaviour to my parents and I. The second I give the same energy, I’m on the chopping block? I dont get it. AITA?
NTA- This is about a toxic, unfair family dynamic, not a minor tiff.
Your sister is entitled for expecting people to run to open the door for her, especially your disabled father.
Your parents are enabling her by forcing you to apologize while excusing her chronic rudeness.
Do not hug or truly apologize. A forced hug only reinforces the unfair rule that you must be the “nice” one while she gets away with being rude.
Your feelings about the double standard are 100% justified.
Honestly, this is very validating to hear. They complain about her behaviour to me when she’s in her weekly moods and the second I get annoyed for her continued inconvenience, I’m in trouble! I never forget my keys because my parents get very mad when I do, but she gets a free pass. I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks there’s favouritism going on
Honestly honey, next time just call it out as it is. Big words. Real words. Tell her that she is verbally abusing your parents and they let her get away with it and your mom lets her abuse her disabled father. They won’t like that one bit. But put a word to it and eventually they’ll think about it. They’ll notice it more. The resentment will build for her. Just plant the idea, the real words, in their heads. I truly worry about when she stops just verbally abusing them and it turns physical, especially for your father.
I’ve tried. Seriously. Everytime I try to say something, they just tell her and I to hug it out and that I’m being dramatic. They give her the excuse that she’s stressed because she works full time and does university part-time. But, I go to university full-time and I’m about to start my shift at my second job next week… I’m stressed too… but they tell me I can’t be stressed because I sleep in. They find ways to ignore it.
They literally say she’s rude to them but nice when she benefits from it. They know she is like this, there is no seeds to plant anymore. They’re letting it happen.
Well, the way you tell it the situation seems unfair, and maybe it is. However, you sound really resentful and that makes me wonder whether your assessment of how blunt your sister’s behavior and your own actually are is entirely objective. When you don’t get along all that well with someone it’s easy to interpret everything they do in a negative way, and to be more unpleasant to them than you mean to be/think you are.
If your parents seem to “take her side”, maybe they feel (rightly or not) that they’re dealing with not one but two moody teens and that you’re the more difficult one. They still shouldn’t be pressuring you into apologizing if it’s not heartfelt, but maybe it would be helpful if you tried to understand how your own behavior looks from the outside. Maybe record those interactions so you can listen to them once you’ve calmed down?
Edit to add: I don’t feel I can vote on this.
I forgot to include but my sister is 22. I completely understand that my behaviour is somewhat petty, and juvenile… but she’s also older and holding a grudge over something that I feel like people naturally would get over within a couple of minutes.
I’m pretty annoyed now because I’m always the one to have to go apologise when I get pissed off but she’s allowed to go through week long; sometimes almost month long, phases of being genuinely so rude to everyone around her. Extended family that don’t see her often comment on her behaviour too, and they only see the tip of the iceberg.
I know I shouldn’t have acted that way 2 days ago, but I feel like it’s one of those things where you’re mad in the moment and you get over it, and move on with your life. But she held that grudge for 2 days, and waited until I had completely forgotten about it and where my parents were in earshot to THEN bring it up and get me to apologise.
So yeah, I am kind of resentful over it right now but I see what you mean about trying to see it from a different point of view. Thanks!
You’re NTA and your sister sure has your whole family trained.
Side note: I’ve never even considered getting out of the shower to answer the door. Whoever is there can either wait or go away and come back later.
Nope, gotta drop everything and run down to answer! Even if it’s just a delivery lol 99.9% of packages we get is my sister’s online shopping. Normally it goes to the post office (a 3 minute drive away) if no one answers the door right?
I didn’t answer the door because I was in the shower one time… huge mistake. Was told I was inconsiderate and that I had to go get the parcel from the post office for her. She ignored me for days after that too…