For context, I have two separate Discord servers: one for my online friends and one for my IRL friends. I usually keep them separate because I’ve had really bad experiences in the past when I tried mixing friend groups, and I’m more comfortable keeping them apart.
About a month ago, I was talking with some of my IRL friends and casually mentioned that I don’t like mixing my IRL friends with my online friends. One friend thought that was weird and said she wouldn’t personally do that, while another IRL friend agreed with me and said it depends on the person. Nothing really came of it at the time.
A few days ago, I was in a Discord call playing games with my online friends when that same IRL friend messaged me asking if she could talk. I joined a private call with her, and she brought up the topic again. She told me that what I said a month ago really hurt her and that she feels like we haven’t been spending as much time together.
I explained that at the time I was not as active was because, I have been playing with my online best friend, who doesn’t get to game often because her parents are very strict. She said she understood that, but still felt left out and said she was too scared to ask if she could join me and my online friends. I told her, that I’m not really comfortable mixing my friend groups and that I had already explained why. The main reason is that I genuinely don’t think she would get along with my online friends, they have very different humor and personalities, and I don’t want things to become awkward or stressful for anyone, it’s also because I have had bad experiences with mixing friend groups.
She then said I was being a hypocrite because I invited my boyfriend to my online friends’ server, but wouldn’t invite her, even though both of them know me IRL. I explained that he’s my boyfriend and, to me, that makes him an exception.
At that point, she started crying and said it wasn’t fair, that she felt left out and even “bullied,” and that this situation was especially hard for her because she’s had traumatic experiences related to being excluded in the past. She left the call very upset.
I started feeling extremely guilty for standing my ground and enforcing a boundary I thought was reasonable. Because of that guilt, I ended up apologizing and sending her an invite to the server anyway. She never joined, saying she didn’t feel comfortable anymore, but she was still really sad afterward.
Now I’m questioning whether I was wrong for not wanting to mix my friend groups, even though I tried to communicate my boundaries calmly and respectfully.
(sorry for the long text or confusion)
NTA. Your friend is not entitled to every friend group you have. She is not entitled to your time. You have dedicated time for her already. If she wants more time, then that is a separate discussion, not a shoehorn into your online friend group that you do not wish her to join.
It’s her problem, not yours. You don’t need to offer any explanation or feel any guilt. This is manipulation on her part. You are not the AH
NTA. You are under no obligation to mix your friend groups.
INFO:
Why are your online and IRL friends incompatible?
Do you present yourself differently to the two groups?
My IRL friend is a very sensitive person and me and my online friends make a lot of jokes and say insensitive things that I know she doesn’t like, because she has told me
NTA
You are under no obligation to invite someone to something to which you did not want to invite them.
But you may want to ask yourself why it goes wrong when you mix these groups…
It sounds like there’s something one group is learning about you that they didn’t know once they joined the other…
NTA but I do feel bad for her. It sucks to get on a game and see your friend playing but you can’t join them because you’re told you wouldn’t be compatible with that group of people. It does make you feel left out or not good enough.
But it’s ok to stick to your boundaries, you should never feel harassed into making an exception for someone pressuring you. However, if she really is that hurt by it then the friendship between you two might not be worth keeping with that toxicity and resentment.
Don’t get me wrong it does suck really badly, but this happened recently and it was never an issue until I mentioned “I prefer not mixing IRL friends with online”. She told me she’s happy that I apologized etc, but wanted some time alone so I think we are doing fine?