My girlfriend Tamara \[F27\] and I \[M29\] have been talking about marriage, which always leads back to thoughts about my parents \[F60+, M60+\]. We’re close all things considered. We exchange gifts, check in on each other, and they invite me on vacations.
My parents are traditional Christians–not in the "women must wear dresses" way but in the "gay and transgender people are immoral" way.
This is relevant because I’m a transgender man. This isn’t new to them. I’ve been "socially out" since childhood and medically transitioned as soon as possible. They believe I’ve damaged my body and am a confused woman, and to not feed into delusion they call me she/my birth name. Since I am dating a woman I am also gay in their eyes. To paraphrase my dad, "the first one you’re doing because you are a deeply disturbed individual (his exact words), but the second one you know is wrong and you are choosing to do it anyway."
I know how they respond to hard weddings. When my younger brother was getting married, they disliked his then-fiance (now wife), and they blamed her when he started distancing himself. For days before the wedding they cried, and the night before it they got into a screaming match that I had to break up. If this is how they reacted to an "acceptable" wedding, then I know how they will act at mine. I know at least my dad will look like he is attending a funeral the same way he did when he asked if I was dating Tamara and I confirmed. It would be miserable for them, for Tamara, and for her family (which will be all her relatives that live in the country).
Another issue is how my parents would mingle. They would call me a she/my birth name, essentially outing me to everyone. Being transgender is not part of my identity outside of necessity and is not something most people know about me. I would like to keep it that way. On the flip side, all other guests would call me he/the groom/a name my parents don’t even know, which they should, but I feel like my parents would be heartbroken. Like they don’t even know me anymore. I understand part of that is because they refused to know me and "keep up" with my life, but it hurts to imagine their hurt.
I’ve thought about inviting them on the condition that they come if they can celebrate/not act like they’re mourning, but I know they wouldn’t be able to. If I didn’t invite them at all though they would be devastated and our relationship would suffer. I feel like my dad would say it was proof that I knew what I was doing was wrong because I was trying to hide it.
My intrusive thought is to lie and tell them we’re having a courthouse wedding (which won’t be true because Tamara’s family would do something regardless of what we wanted lol). I know they’d find out it was a lie eventually. Our parents all use Facebook, and I’m sure my mom would snoop and if anyone posts pictures of the wedding that would be it. WIBTAH if I told them there won’t be a wedding at all?
NTA you said everything with “…essentially outing me to everyone” they aren’t safe and you don’t want them there. Hugs.
The best course of action is to have a conversation. “Accept me as I am, use my chosen name, and get to know my girlfriend. If you can do that I can invite you to our wedding.” Do this now. When you finally do plan your wedding you will know what to do based on if they’ve changed. But don’t bother lying. They’ll find out and it won’t do anyone any good.
Sounds like your parents have a problem getting along with anyone and anything that doesn’t fit into their idea of perfect.
If you wish to, Inform your parents you are getting married without telling the date or venue. Even if they ask, tell them you’d rather NOT have them come. NTA
Don’t lie, it won’t end well. You need to tell them that you will be getting married and ask them not to attend. Do this politely and explain the reasons why it would be best if they not attend. They will fight you but stay firm.
NTA if you tell the truth.
You don’t need to ask them to not attend if you never tell them where or when it is.
I get that they’re your parents but why would you want that negativity around?
You’ve been you for 20 years or so (rough guess) and they still dead name and misgender you? They dont like you, your girlfriend, your life. They won’t like your wedding. They didn’t even like your brother’s wedding and he did everything they think is right!
You’re right in saying they would make your wedding day very difficult, they would not behave.
You need to seriously consider if you want them there. If you do you will have to lay some very serious ground rules starting with the fact they use your name!
For “Christians” they’re being super judgy. God is the only one who can judge and He obviously agrees with what you’re doing otherwise you wouldn’t have a good life and he would have smited you.
He’s been out for twenty years are they don’t even *know* his name?
> On the flip side, all other guests would call me he/the groom/a name my parents don’t even know
NTA. I say this with a lot of love: why are you maintaining a relationship with your parents when they treat you so horribly? My wife and my daughter are both trans. My brother and sister-in-law were not accepting at first, and I made it clear that if they can’t do the bare minimum (treat them both with respect, use their correct names and pronouns, *not* make comments about there being only two genders, etc.), then we would not be able to have a relationship. Please, *please* be kind enough to yourself to limit contact. You do not owe them *anything* after they have treated you with such cruelty. I would strongly suggest you seek therapy.
Agreed, my thought was “why are you protecting the feelings of people who don’t protect you?”
My goodness, you are a forgiving person. I had an abusive mother, and, from what you have written, the best advice I can give you is to go NC with these people and enjoy your life and new marriage. NTA. Live, in other words.
I think you should tell them you’re getting married and they aren’t invited because they deadname you, think you’re damaged, etc.
If you want a real relationship with them, ie not one where you enable their awful behavior, they have to at a minimum try. Right?
I think you’re being an AH to yourself if you continue to indulge them. So don’t lie.
And congrats on the wedding!
Your parents don’t accept you sweetie and that’s really hard and I can only imagine the pain of that. However, they’re not going to take any joy in your marriage and you only invite people to a wedding who want to lovingly support the union that is the criteria: blood and/oe friendships are not the criteria.
YTA to yourself and your fiance for caring enough about their feelings to even consider keeping *your literal wedding* in the closet.
Just tell them you are getting married and they are not invited, because only people who want to celebrate your union are welcome to share in the best day of your life, and their transphobia has no place there.
That you remember how awful they were leading up to your brother’s wedding, and that you are learning from his mistake and not even going to attempt to ask them to be a part of something they obviously don’t support: your life.
If you’re too non-confrontational to say these things to their faces, write it up in an email.
Don’t put yourself through the anxiety of hiding and lying just to spare their feelings though. They deserve to feel bad for treating you badly, and they deserve to know why. I would even screenshot the email so you have it available to send to any relatives who they tell a sob story to about having “no idea why” you’re cutting them off.
NTA. But I’m struggling to understand why you still have any contact with them at all, never mind want them to come to your wedding? They are never going to accept you, and it’s not like you haven’t tried. At this point, they are only detrimental to your life, your mental health, and possibly even your relationship.
Don’t put you or your fiancée through a wedding that could at best be uncomfortable, and worst, ruined. Don’t tell them, don’t invite them. Get married, and when they protest, tell them that you were merely thinking of their own comfort.
They sound like horrible, selfish, judgemental people. For your own sake, go low to no contact with them. Perhaps talk it out in therapy? It’s a difficult decision, but you must know they are never going to make you happy, or treat you the way you deserve. For your sake, stop trying.