My wife and I had our first child nearly four years ago and moved to Alaska with an agreement to go back to our home state in the Midwest once our baby was of school age. A lot has changed in that time, as listed below…
We’ve had three children. 3, 2, and newborn. My career growth has been great, given the typically lower ceiling in my field. I invested in advanced mentorship at the expensive of pay in our first year here, which has led to my dream job in which I now make literally double the income from where I first started and about $50k more than I had originally projected before the move up here. I stepped into a significant leadership role within a year of coming onto the company I work for, so I have meaningful influence and major flexibility. I can work three days per week and we still do well, which allows me to be with the family a lot and tend to our kids. Another really nice bonus to our circumstance is the fact our entire family has free health care coverage through Alaska Native Tribal Health. We literally had our children for free and have paid nothing for extensive coverage. We each receive PFD’s which is a nice little bonus every fall. I feel the financial stability and continued upward trajectory is the best path for us. A move back to the south would cap growth and be a major step backwards.
On her end, she longs for family on the daily. I understand raising three kids without the village is a challenge of its own (I’ve watched them several days at a time without help), and feel grateful for what she does. I feel her family continually pushes the idea of us moving back. Unfortunately, that would require her to work, not be a SAHM. She let her associate degree licensing lapse for years which yielded moderate income (at the time we met). She became a stay at home mom within a year of us dating.
I’ve made it a point to ensure she sees family. I fly our young family back to the Midwest and they will stay for four-five week stretches at least once per year, sometimes twice, and I’ve flown my in-laws up as well on a whim for a holiday. They also make it a point to come up at least twice per year.
The main thing is, she wants a plan for moving, and soon. I’ve weighed the options endlessly and feel we are in the right place and on the right path and can’t settle on largely emotion decisions over what has been stated above.
NAH. You’re not an asshole for enjoying your career growth and personal attainment but your partner is also not an asshole for not wanting to stay at home all day alone taking care of your kids and household without any friends or family around. Where is her opportunity for growth and self actualization outside of the home?
Does she want to be a stay at home mom? Most people don’t find that fulfilling alone especially if they don’t have friends family or community. Sounds lonely and isolating.
NAH
YOu are not alone. Even the best laid plans can change, especially when circumstances change. You’ve created a ‘life’ there and now things look different than they did 4 years ago.
Neither one of you gets to make the decision alone, or based on argument alone ( ‘well you promised’ or ‘but life is better here’)
There needs to be a new effort made to problem solve the issue. What is the current situation, what are both feelings about it, what are pros and cons of both sides, etc. I feel a lot resides with your wife about how her life will change when you go back. Why does she have to work? Was that the deal? Has she prepared? What does money mean to both of you? She kind of has the ‘upper hand’ here in that there was a deal made and she sitll wants the deal.
It’s a big move, so I think you could/should call in help, someone to work with you objectively through the decision making process. It may be your time to sacrifice….it may be her time to readjust what her actual life goals are for her and your family.
Wishing you luck!
I would say he has the ‘upper hand’ here as the breadwinner with the career. But I agree with you, *neither* of them get to make this decision alone – they have to come to an agreement.
NAH. Both of your situations are understandable, even though they appear to be incompatible. Unfortunately, someone is going to have to give on what they want in order to make this work.
I think this is a tough situation way beyond what you can provide to Reddit, but the reality from what you wrote here is you made a deal with your wife, she at no point indicated she was interested in modifying it, and is now expecting you to uphold your end after she upheld hers. So in that instance, yeah YTA.
You need to decide very very quickly if staying in Alaska is more important than keeping your family together. It sounds like your establishing a good life for yourself there so I don’t think your an AH for not wanting to walk away from it, but you need to accept that might mean your wife walks away from you
You said your wife became an sahm within a year of dating. Was this by her choice?
I would also love to know this. Especially since he went from “she hates this” to “I decided that WE are in the right place.” Um no “we” aren’t, because she’s telling you she isn’t??
Can you work 3 days and then fly back home? Maybe 6 on 8 off? You did agree to move back home, now you seem to be reneging on that.
You are TA for saying you “watch your kids alone”. … dude, it’s called being a dad!
Also, there are $100k jobs in the Midwest.
Apparently not in his field.
Also, while I get the whole “you’re a parent not a babysitter” routine generally, from this post it very much seems like he is being a father and that was just his way of saying that sometimes he is the one primarily watching the kids while his wife gets a break from when she has to watch them while he works. He seems incredibly family motivated, hence why he is so happy that where he currently works, he can be with his family very often.
NTA for changing your mind but be prepared for her to resent you for breaking what you said previously. Resentment in a marriage is not a good thing and will lead to more issues down the line.
NAH we moved only four hours away by car from all the family thirty years ago and I still miss them terribly, despite visiting one weekend a month. Worst case scenario is that she leaves you, and moves home with the kids, and you only get to see them a few times a year. If I were you, and I wanted to stay where I was due to career reasons, I would do everything in my power to help her be happier where she is. Housekeeper/Cleaning person? Part time nanny so she can go back to school/volunteer/just get out and develop her own interests? Maybe all of the above? What would it take for her to develop a village of her own (friends/”family” that’s not blood) where you currently are? Has she seen a medical doctor since she is under stress with three small children so close in age?
NAH, but i’d be very interested in hearing her perspective on whose idea the SAHM thing was.
Also, if she wants to move, then YOU can’t decide by yourself that “WE” are in the right place. No, “we” aren’t in the right place, because *she doesn’t like this.* It doesn’t sit right with me how easily you just glossed over her equal voice in this.
Counseling is what you need. To get even more to the root of why you each want to be in a particular place.
A few questions: Does she have her own community of friends and activities? Or is she just at home with just you?
Does she -like- Alaska? I know it’s a big state with lots of different weather. But does she like being there or does she spend the winter (which isn’t short or warm) hating it?
NAH, but it’s very likely going to be a choice between your marriage and your career. If you can’t duplicate the sucess yiu have in your wife’s hometown, the resentment may destroy your relationship anyway.
It doesn’t seem she’s open to staying in Alaska permanently, and you don’t seem to have any desire to move back. You need to be upfront about your desire to stay. Stop dancing around things and have the hard conversation.