I recently got into college, and my parent, who has been very involved in the college application process has requested that I give her my college email and password so she can "check on things." When I said no, she got upset and questioned why she even cared for my college and why she was paying for it if she couldn’t have access to everything. I can see where she is coming from, especially if it’s a slightly misconstrued version of the culture and environment she grew up in, but the thing is, I grew up in the US, so I grew up with slightly different ideals. I get sharing my grades, transcripts, and just status updates on how I’m doing, but I’m not sure about giving her my email.
She’s done this kind of thing before, where she questions why she’s done things for me like driving me to school or making me food, and I really do feel for her because this wasn’t what she was expecting out of parenthood. She feels betrayed that I don’t want her knowing every detail of her life because she’s scared that I’ll do something she doesn’t approve of, but it makes me hide things more.
I asked her why she has done these things for me, and she responds that it is because she felt the need to. I say, okay, and why? And she redirects. My point I was trying to show her was that it was because she had chosen to have a kid, and some of it is part of the parent-child relationship. I also pointed out that she didn’t need to pay for my college if it really weighed on her that much. She had offered it first, and I had been grateful, but if it was really that stressful, I could take over.
I know that when my parents had me, it was because they had thought that it would be fun and I would be a mini-them that they could dress up and talk about, and sometimes I wonder how much of that affects our relationship to this day.
I know that I sound ungrateful, but I feel that there is a line for what I owe her, and one of those things is that I don’t owe her my email login credentials.
AITA?
NTA That’s not ungrateful at all, that’s an extremely normal and healthy boundary. Your parents sound very messed up and I’m sorry.
Your mom is probably going to try to make you sign those horrible mama bear legal forms and it’s very important that you do not sign them.
NTA. I work at a university, and you do not want to share that with your mom. You are an adult in college. Her having access to your email will also mean she has access to your dashboard, where she can see grades, class schedule, etc.
Most places will allow you to create a parent account for mom, and grant her certain access. But you do not want her to have full access.
You may also want to look into putting a FERPA block on your data to ensure extra privacy.
This great advice! OP, please see if you can get a parent account.
I know someone whose parents did this. She ended up being absolutely monitored by her parents ever. single. day.
Her parents insisted she share her location with them, they knew what class she was supposed to be in and at what time. If she did a study group session anywhere but her dorm or the school library, she had to tell her parents first.
They checked up on every assignment.
It was absolutely stifling for her and it was bonkers of the parents.
Oh, is it not normal to share location?
Not once you’re away from home. When your parents were in college, they maybe called their parents on the phone once a week. The 24/7 access is insane.
I went to college in the 80s on the opposite coast of the US from my parents. I took a Greyhound bus to get to college, having shipped everything except a small duffle bag that I took with me. It took 3+ days on the bus, and when I arrived at the bus station, I took a local bus to campus, found the dorm office to check in and get my key, then found my way to my dorm (and then the mail room to get my boxes).
I couldn’t afford to call more than briefly every other weekend (back in the dark ages when anything other than a local call cost $$). I wrote to my parents, but it took at least five days for mail to arrive.
Every time I either have brushed up against how things work IRL (when my kids went to college) or read about some new insane trend (like the fancying up of dorm rooms, often by parents), it just blows my mind how much things have changed.
Also it’s likely against the ToS/IT policy for the uni.
Worst case scenario is she decides OP has made some sort of mistake regarding class load, schedule, subject choice and makes a change and it’s too late for OP to change it back. Some classes fill up incredibly quickly and people will literally regularly refresh the selection pages so they can jump on the 4pm tutorial instead of 6am
NTA. Having a private email in college is normal.
You and your mom are having this issue right now over the email because your mom is struggling with the detachment phase of parenting.
In a healthy parent-child relationship, when the child is little, there is total dependency on their mom for literally everything. Around adolescence, the child will begin a process of detachment, where they start to separate from their parents and discover they have their own identity, likes, dislikes, and opinions, and want to spend time on their own and be more independent. It is normal and healthy.
Your mom is getting a little stuck here in the detachment phase. She is maybe an anxious-attachment personality who has convinced herself you can’t do it on your own. But she has to let you try and maybe fail sometimes, it is all part of growing up.
Parents, they say, need to give their children two things: root, and wings. It is time for her to let you have those wings. Tell her it will be okay.
NTA- my daughter is in her sophomore year. There is NO reason your mother needs access to your school or personal email other than to be controlling. You’re a young adult, probably living away from home for the first time, you need space to grow and support if you falter. Not someone monitoring your every move or watching over you like big brother.
NTA
Parent here.
I can’t even imagine ever having asked my kids for passwords
NTA. Shes manipulating you. The “why do I bother” tactic is emotionally abusive. Being in college is your first step into independent adulthood. She doesn’t need access to your school email. That can cause so many problems if she emails any of your professors under your name.
Again, NTA. Parent needs firm boundaries and maybe some no-contact
In addition to everyone’s advice…check your credit to ensure your mother hasn’t opened credit cards or taken loans on your behalf. Lock your credit NOW.
Sharing login details violates security best practices and may cause issues down the road.
Oh yeah, and fuck her…