Disclaimer: THIS HAPPENED ONCE TO MAKE A POINT I DO NOT REGULARLY
I (m mid 20s) was recently diagnosed with autism which came as no surprised but its a relief to know and have it on paper. One way it manifests is i need clear instructions.
Since getting diagnosis my parents (both 60s and retired) have used/ mentioned it as a negative thing mostly by saying " you condition" or " my diagnosis" and haven’t really made any effort to be accepting of it or made any adjustments i dont need any, just tolerance/accepting.
i live at home with parents and younger brother (early 20s) and as long i remember has been if you dont cook or work you clean/wash up and because my dad likes to cook new things what needs washing can range from a full Sunday dinner to like a 3 course thing so its normally a lot.
Fast forward to near present, i had a part time winter job (retail) because it was nearby the shifts could be short and i was normally the first one to ask to fill in for someone.
Sometimes the shifts were really short 2-4 hours and got home i was still expected to wash up i said i work but they replied " i didnt work enough" i held back my frustration as that is not what the house rule said i thought and washed up but since then i repeatedly ask can we talk about this house rule because " my understanding is its a binary thing "trying to explain my reasoning as a flow chart if yes= a if no= b but my parents do not want to listen saying i\`m acting like Sheldon from the big bang theory wanting a room mate agreement which is EXTREMLY hurtful to me or it wasn’t that black white and then telling me to go away.
So recently (unemployed still paying rent) we had fajita wraps and i helped my dad cook everything so we spent the same amount of time cooking.
we ate the meal and i said to the effect " your washing up mother" she was gobsmacked and my father was shocked i stated my case:
the house rule as i understand them if you cook which i have.." asking my dad to confirm it he agreed " then i shouldnt wash up"
my mother got defence saying she shouldnt because she did x other jobs in the house
"sorry but the house rules dont mention about other things" i said things were getting heated so i said i am be in my room and willing to talk
in time they both did, furious at me for dictating to them in their own house
i was apologetic and i stated my repeated attempts to try resolve this issues but they refused and i felt like this was the only other way to force the issue
I then went on to point out its fine when my brother gets home from work about 95% of the time he doesnt do anything just goes in the shower and plays games with his friends but when i got home from work i was still expected to clean up.
i am now at the character limit so cant expand any further i am posting this and then going to bed so replies will be delayed and if possible a edit to expand my points further cause i had to cut a lot of nuance out.
nta – it sounds like your parents are trying to parent you as an adult because you still live under their roof. they may have been taken back by your comment because they hadn’t expected you to talk to them like that before, but if their house rule is those who don’t cook should clean the dishes, it should apply to your parents too.
i know you’re unemployed but i find my relationship with my family was much better after moving out. i fear some parents allow their kids to stay at home and expect to be rewarded for their generosity.
however some hills aren’t worth dying on, you might have to let the dishes thing go for peace. most parents by their 60s are stuck in their ways. i’m sorry your parents treat you differently after your diagnosis, and i wish they noticed when you were a kid for your own sake.
I do think you were probably rude in tone to your mother, but I also think you’re right.
Your brother should be helping with household tasks. So what if he works? Most of us work full time and come home to do household chores. They have to get done and anyone who lives there should helping.
The person who cooks should not be the one who has to clean up. Though I do think the cook should minimize the mess left. At least start pans soaking, put things in the sink, etc.
You’re NTA because it sounds like your parents manufacture a way for it to be your turn to clean up more often than is fair in a house full of adults.
Nta though I’ve found this happens to me a lot too. People state a definite rule when it seems to suit them but there’s so often an excuse when it acts against them
NTA. We stopped using this rule in my house because it just devolves into arguments over who worked more or whose job is harder. As a system, it’s too poorly defined to actually be helpful. Have assigned days to clean, or have set jobs that everyone rotates through. Honestly, I don’t even think this is an autism thing, it’s just a bad system.
ESH – you do too, but not for not doing dishes. It’s for saying “you’re washing up” to your mom when no one had even suggested you should be the one doing it yet. It comes off like you were picking a fight.
I am a 28 year-old AuDHD woman. I get that the literal thinking bits here can be a big challenge. But you are still accountable, even if autism makes it harder to understand when you have messed up or misunderstood. My spouse and I have a soft “whoever cooks doesn’t have to clean” arrangement, but if we get too literal with it, sometimes things get fucked up. He works full-time and is in school. If I cook and he’s got a final to study for, I do the dishes, I don’t just let them fester. I have a community choir rehearsal Tuesday nights, so he usually ends up doing both those nights. Even though it’s hard, I HAVE to learn flexibility and patience if I want to co-exist with other adult humans.
In that same vein, other people need to learn the same when dealing with me. I have a lot of empathy for you in this situation. Your parents seem genuinely unwilling to work with you or to try to understand what you are dealing with. Is there a world where you can move out?
I am about to turn 47. I am autistic and a lawyer. Like you, I need very specific instructions or responses to questions. It’s hard sometimes, as neurotypical people think I’m being purposeful obtuse or “difficult.”
Honestly, it sounds like your parents are low key assholes. You requested clarity, and they essentially made fun of you. (I will never watch BBT because the show is largely about making fun on the autistic person, which I have zero interest in. If someone compared me to Sheldon, my feelings would be hurt.)
NTA.
I know it’s hard out there with the rising cost of housing (and everything), and that you’re unemployed. I suggest making it a priority to get consistent work so you can move out (maybe with a roommate or roommates) and be done with people that don’t accept your neurodivergence and need for clarity.
Info: Why did you announce to your mother that she was washing up?
Seconding this question with the added specific of: why didn’t you announce it to your brother instead?
They’re dishes. Just wash them. You’re all being ridiculous; exhausting more time and energy arguing over who washes dishes vs just washing the damned dishes. Makes total sense.
I mean n t a if you dont understand but I dont think autism and rules stops you from looking around and contributing to the house. You live there and have eyes. Theyre obviously not good at explaining that everyone shouls pitch in where pitching is needed. But part of being an adult is assuming these responsibilities. That doesn’t mean to get taken advantage of.
So take this and any other similar comments and learn from it. If you then continue to act tit for tat then you move into a h territory. If they expect something different from you as they do your adult brother, then they are the a hs.
Since you said it was one time I am going
NAH.
General rule of thumb to discuss with other adult/teen house dwellers would be
Is the work in the home during free time equal? Is the rest time equal? This does not mean at the same time. But the length and quality of work and rest should be as equal as possible, unless someone is going through a physical ailment. No one should need to police it if everyone steps up to make this happen.
YTA because the house rule is a guideline and I know that doesn’t work for your brain very well but that’s the reality
If you started working DoorDash and went and did 1 delivery for 20 minutes would you come home and say you didn’t have to help out because you worked? I hope the answer is no
Your parents were probably angry because you were disrespectful to you mother in the way you spoke to her. They probably see you as barely contributing (you complain about basic chores when you only worked less than a half day) so even though you helped cook that day, it was rude to order your mother around when she likely puts in SO much more work than you overall (paid or otherwise).
So maybe this will help you. You mid-20s so you should consider yourself an independent adult. What chores and work would you hav to do if you were living alone, or roommates, and not your parents? You would not only have to work full time but also cook EVERY meal. You would cook your own meals and wash up everything, and also clean the house to boot. Without help or taking turns. So from that perspective you are getting an amazing deal and that’s why your parents think you are ungrateful and rude when you tell your mother to do the dishes.
NTA. You weren’t being lazy, you were trying to show that the house rules weren’t clear and weren’t applied fairly. Asking for clarity, especially with autism, isn’t wrong.
There is nuance in this, which is probably where the miscommunication is coming from. As a NT person, my understanding of this rule would be you wash up unless you cooked or worked *full time*. Does your brother work full time? When you say you and your dad cooked together, was it an equal split of work between you?
I suspect some of their shock came from the way to spoke to your mom. If you said it like you wrote it, I can easily imagine that coming across as really rude and disrespectful.
That being said, it seems like your family have got used to you always being the one to do the dishes, and they seem like they arent going to adapt easily when you get a full time job. If I were you, I would work on finding full time employment and moving out of your parents home.