My niece is a 18 year old high school drop out with no job (she’s living off of random guys) that has been through A LOT of trauma and had deadbeat/abusive parents. We snachat each other and the only thing she ever talks about or sends is stuff about whoever she’s dating. She sends me pictures or videos of them all the time and the boyfriends change every 4 weeks or so with no explanation. This started to get really annoying so I told her "I don’t care about your boyfriends sweetie. I want to know about you not them." And she hasn’t talked to me since. Am I the asshole?
YTA. I get where you’re coming from, but you totally should’ve communicated that a bit more tactfully and from a place of care and concern instead of annoyance
This is what I was worried about. Im learning how to set boundaries and sometimes I mix that up with just being a jerk. Thank you.
Hey that’s so fair, we all misspeak and mess up sometimes, and boundaries are tough. It’s clear that you care about her, I bet you can reach back out and apologize/clarify what you meant and she’ll be receptive
YTA for such weak content.
YTA. Use caution with what you say so that you don’t push this girl away. She clearly is looking for your approval. You may be the only person in her life she can depend on.
YTA. Clearly she doesn’t see herself separately from whoever she’s dating. That’s a much bigger problem than you not wanting to hear it.
Instead of telling her you don’t care about the primary way she sees herself redirect the conversation gently. That’s cool but I’m more interested in hearing about you would be a gentler redirect.
It’s quite possible she doesn’t have anything going on outside if these relationships.
YTA. You told her you don’t want to hear about the things she wants to talk about, so she stopped talking. Sounds as if maybe she’s all about the guys and that’s who she is. She might feel as if she has nothing else worth talking about. With a history of trauma and abuse, she might be the last thing she wants to talk about. If you get a second chance, drop the negativity and ask about the things you want to hear about.
NTA. I think you your point was a good one, the delivery was a little harsh but not bad enough to change this vote. I think you could have said the same thing without saying you don’t care about her BFs who are bascially her entire life – what else does she have going for her if she isn’t working, doesn’t have goals and she is just living off these men? It’s sad that this is how her life is but it sounds like she had a lot working against her. You could have just asked her more questions about herself, about her plans for the future, you could have played dumb and told her oh – is this the same one as last month and bascially made the point more subtly that it’s hard to even keep up with it. There were many ways that might have gone over better. You have to consider that if this is ALL SHE TALKS ABOUT and you told her you don’t care about it – she probably feels pretty stupid about sending you all those videos and things in the first place. At this point, she has cut you off so there isn’t much you can do except tell her it came out more harshly than it should have but you really do care about her and feel bad about hurting her feelings…
Wow, that was rude, bordering on obnoxious.
Has it occurred to you that, given her situation, she may not have much else to share?
YTA.
YTA sweetie
YTA. I get you don’t care about them, but it sounds like she’s dealing with trauma and that’s her way of opening up to you. By you saying that to her, makes her feel like you don’t care about what’s she’s sharing with you and will ultimately have her close up and not be open with you.
YTA. She’s young, with seemingly nothing else going on in her life. If you want to know HER, you have to learn it through how she talks about them. It can be annoying, but when you’re talking to teens, even older ones, you’re going to be exposed to the drama of their lives. You can turn the conversation back to her by responding about them. “How did it make you feel when they did that?” “When did this boyfriend come about?” “Why did the last relationship end?” “Whose idea was it to go to that place?” You can still talk about her, and learn about her, even if her stories revolve around them.
>”I don’t care about your boyfriends sweetie. I want to know about you not them.”
YTA. She IS talking about her life to you and you shut her down.
Light YTA. When you’re talking about what’s going on in someone’s life, their significant other is a pretty important part of that. Hard to build a relationship with someone while saying they’re not allowed to talk about who they’re dating. If they change every four weeks without explanation, why not ask for an explanation?