I (21M) live in Amsterdam. I am financially independent due to my businesses and have saved enough money to move out. I’ve always dreamed of living abroad, and my long-term goal is to move to Barcelona.
The issue is my family, especially my mother.
My father was diagnosed with ALS when I was in my early teens. My sisters were very young at the time, so my mother and I took on most of the caregiving responsibilities. I gave up a large part of my youth helping care for my father while finishing high-school, starting uni, and running my businesses. I still take care of my father with love and financially support my family when needed.
We do have professional home care, but there is still a lot that falls on us: preparing special meals for my dad, administrative work, and caring for him when caregivers aren’t available. My sisters help when they can, but they are still mostly dependent.
My relationship with my mother has always been difficult. She is very controlling, and it’s very often her way or no way. Despite my efforts to stay respectful, years of conflict have severely damaged our relationship.
My mother now resents any time I spend on myself. For example, when friends invited me to Paris for two days, I tried to be as thoughtful as possible: I asked her well in advance and brought her roses, food, and her favorite dessert to show my appreciation. Despite this, she scolded me for being "selfish and egotistical. She refuses to travel without my father, but due to his condition, traveling with him is nearly impossible.
Whenever I try to express what I believe are reasonable boundaries, she threatens to kick me out.
Another major issue is my partner, whom I plan to marry. She is from the same religion and background, educated, caring, and kind. My mother despises her because she believes she should have a say in who I marry and that she should “choose someone together” with me. She considers my partner unsuitable because she wears jeans and does not wear a hijab yet. My mother regularly threatens to not attend my wedding or to disown me.
My father supports my decisions, but due to his illness, my mother effectively controls the household. My plan is to move out but remain in the same city until I finish my master’s degree in 1.5 years, so I can still visit my father and help when needed. After that, I plan to move to Barcelona, which has been my dream for years.
My mother says that if I leave(especially abroad), I am abandoning her after everything she’s done and that I am ungrateful. She believes it is my responsibility to make her life easier.
I feel extremely guilty. I know my mother has sacrificed a lot and carries an enormous burden. But I also feel like I’ve already given up much of my youth, helped care for my father, and contributed financially. I’m at an age where I should be building my own future, yet I’m afraid of the long-term consequences of leaving on bad terms.
So, AITA for putting myself and my future first now?
NTA – you’ve already given your childhood to taking care of your father, you deserve to go and live your life. Your mother is being selfish, you need to ignore her.
Move out immediately when your dad eventually passes she will get worse get out while you still can congratulations on your future marriage
Completely and utterly NTA
I’m not going to say anything on most of your mother’s behavior, because it sounds like you already know (for the most part) that it’s not normal.
What I *will* say is that before you move abroad, or potentially even before you move out if you expect your mother to escalate or go scorched earth, is make sure you have some form of reliable contact with your sisters completely separate of your mother. Because with you out of the house, I have no doubt she’s going to turn both her need for control and your current responsibilities (both normal household ones and things involving your father) on them.
NTA, your mom is controlling to the point of being psychologically abusive. You’re a good son and a good person. Don’t let he dictate your decisions.
Of course NTA.
Is there no help to be found from the state, like extra care service? Or does your mother refuse all that and make her children do it? Can you find out what support can be found?
Apparently you are muslim, and what is appropriate within your religion and your culture is different than what may be appropriate in mine.
I will however say that I think that the selfish one in your family is your mother. She apparently believes that her children owe her a life of servitude, out of gratitude, when I see you as having very little to even be grateful for.
That’s right, within Muslim households it’s common to always stick with your parents but I really agree with what you’re saying. Thank you sincerely for taking the time to read my post and responding to it!
NTA, the dad understands, any parent would want you to go and live your life.
That said, since noone else has said anything about it yet, make sure to spend some time with your dad if you plan to live far enough away that makes visiting difficult or a rare occurrence.
It might be your last chance once you move, so I’d take advantage of that.
Thanks for pointing that out! I try to spend as much time with him as possible. He truly enjoys my company, and even though he lost his speech five years ago, he has his own way of expressing his love. I plan to keep returning that love and making him proud for as long as he’s with us
NTA get out and live your own life
My friend, your mother has no right to dictate your life. In my culture, while we respect our parents, we are still expected to go on with our own lives. My perspective says your mother is selfish and manipulative.
My mom had ALS. It took her within 3 years. I know exactly what you are going through. I also understand this is very tough for your mother and she may be concerned that your reliable assistance will no longer be available, and that scares her. However, that doesn’t excuse her lashing out at you for wanting your own life. While your sisters may still be dependent, they can learn to help take care of their father just as you did.
Marry the one you want. You don’t need her to vet anything.
You’re not wrong for wanting to live your life on your terms.
NTA. Your life is yours to live however you want. Go live it. Move to Barcelona, get married to the person you want. If your mom chooses not to attend your wedding, she’s the one missing out. But I have a feeling, when the time comes, she will show up and try to make it all about her. Cuz thats what this is all about, Her. She wants to control your life because she feels she has no control over her own. That is not a You problem. It’s a Her problem. Start taking your life back. Move out as soon as you can. Don’t tell her your plans, just move out.
NTA. You have your own life to live. That doesn’t mean neglecting your family, but nor does it mean neglecting yourself. This would all be so much easier if your mother weren’t so selfish and controlling. Of course she should have no say in your choice of partner; of course your mother’s desire to control even this aspect of your life makes things unnecessarily difficult for all concerned. “She believes it is my responsibility to make her life easier.” You will never change her belief about that, but you can learn to ignore it, given that she seems to act as if it is her responsibility to makle your life harder.
Honestly, you’ve already given so much — more than most people your age ever do. Wanting your own space, your own relationship, and a future you’ve dreamed about doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you human.
Your mom is clearly hurting, but guilt and control aren’t fair, and they don’t cancel out your right to live your life. You’re not abandoning your family — you’re just not disappearing for them either.
It’s okay to choose yourself now.