During our break, two friends from my master’s program and I (20sF) assisted in organizing a quick trip. I ended up serving as the point of communication between the two groups since I was also organizing with another small group of classmates who might join.
Everyone seemed to be comfortable with the initial budget that we had discussed, which was roughly $600–700 per person. We planned a call to finalize the details and make travel and lodging arrangements.
Just before the call, a couple of people from the other group backed out, and this raised the price per individua by only like 60 dollars. During the call, one of my friends mentioned to me that she needed some time to think about it because the price had risen. The very next day, my two friends decided they didn’t want to go anymore.
I wasn’t upset about the trip being cancelled because people have budgets and things come up. I simply mentioned to my group of friends that I wished I had known earlier if they were having doubts because I had mentioned to the other group that we would soon confirm the plans.
**One of my friends then asked what exactly I was upset about, saying that they had not really discussed it before but had only decided after seeing the updated price. I got frustrated because, earlier, the other friend had already told me that they had been talking privately about things such as the budget and if the trip would actually be fun. So, I then said in the chat, “I know you two already talked about it, because it would be kinda weird if you two were telling me that nothing was discussed.” SHE PROCEEDED TO LIE – said she never talked about it before, and called up the third friend and started yelling bcs she was mad that i was informed about their secret talks.**
**My issue is – i was ready to drop it, just wanted to let them know that i didnt like the way things were commiuncaited but the friend who lied kept on poking me and she said WDYM? WE WERE ALWAYS UPFRONT WITH YOU – and then the other friend was backing her up, ver well knowing that i know the truth – she was supporting lies and they expected me to apologise. I had to tell the liar friend that i knew bcs i cant constantly be lied to and she cant expect me to apologise when shes lying. its messed up i think.**
The conversation was not going anywhere after that, but now I’m wondering if I should have just let the matter be instead of saying what I said.
bcs later the third friend got mad at me for telling the friend who lied that i knew that she was lying.
It sounds like it may be time to reevaluate these friendships. You’re young; friend dynamics change and even end as you go through these years of life. I don’t think these 2 relationships are serving you anymore. Good, quality friends don’t lie, get mad at others for being honest, and demand apologies from those they’ve lied to. It sounds like they were happy to use your willingness to be the planner, but didn’t value your opinion or feelings, or even those of each other.
NTA.
Edit: thanks for the reward! Wanted to add: I’ve learned that one of the best things one can do for oneself is learning how to recognize which relationships are enriching ones life, and which aren’t. Life is too short to spend time, energy, or feelings on people who wouldn’t do the same for you.
thank you. this makes me feel better
dw! You deserve it. I don’t understand some people on here calling OP the AH? Upvote the post so we can get more perspective.
NTA. Your friends are immature.
I cannot parse what the actual conflict is here? I think you’re wrong to expect them to tell you they had doubts. People sometimes talk to sort out how they feel and if they had landed on going it would have been drama to mention it. I suspect you are misunderstanding the nature of these private conversations but it’s a weird thing to get mad about. Therefore Yta.
YTA You know, for me, this is an understandable “lie” if it was even really a lie in the first place. They had a private conversation which they did not want or did not choose to include you in. They’re allowed to do that. And you have no way of knowing exactly what was said or that person took away from that conversation. You only have what someone – who was shady enough to go behind someone else’s back – says. Why do you think it’s appropriate to lash out at someone for having a conversation and expect to be able to demand an accounting for it?
If I have a conversation with a friend about something I don’t wish to share and someone else demands – “did you talk about (topic) with your friend?” I feel no hesitation in saying “no” because it’s none of their fucking business. Talking about feeling unsure or about budgets and things is not the same as deciding ahead of time to not do a trip. So I don’t even consider that a lie. And you going on the attack? Out of line. I’m not surprised they both held to description of not having talked about it because 1) you got confrontational about a reasonable decision to not go on a trip 2) you started making it out to be a big deal about lying vs truth which is not the appropriate framing for when exactly someone actually reached a turning point of not going on the trip, and 3) talking about budgets and being unsure of whether it’ll be fun is NOT the same as deciding not to go after getting a $60 increase. You were wrong to make a big deal out of this and the chatty friend was indiscreet.
I think you need to get some perspective and grow up a little.
it is my business. if they’re talking abt cancelling when everything i finalized and we were gonna book soon, i wouldve appreciated a heads up. they put me in an awk position with the other friend of mine that i was also planning a trip with.
If you hadn’t booked yet, it wasn’t finalized.
You’re all acting incredibly immature
NTA people are allowed to have private conversations. But that doesn’t mean they handled this appropriately. Instead of being passive aggressive in their approach to backing out, they should have just approached you and said they couldn’t do it much sooner.
YTA-It sounds like you just didn’t like the fact that they changed their minds behind your back, and then created unnecessary drama.
NTAH, but!!!! Some of this sounds like you are hurt that they had a talk, but another part is it sounds like, as the planner, you are taking things personal. Not as the friend, but as the planner. This may be clouding your judgement. Sometimes things happen to you, that aren’t necessarily about you.
Your definition of these girls as friends may be exaggerated a bit too much as well. It doesn’t sound like this is a mutual level of friendship between yourself and the other two girls.
ESH.
Why do you think you’re entitled to be involved in every conversation they have? And in the end, they canceled over a very legitimate reason—the price. Which they were obviously always concerned about.
The friend insisting they never did sucks because why lie? It’s nothing to be ashamed about. “Yeah, we talked about it and when the price went up it sealed the deal for us.” No big deal.
The other friend sucks majorly for being incredibly two-faced to both of you & telling you such an unnecessary thing that started all this stupid drama.