I (26F) moved out on my own for the first time this last November after living with a previous partner of 4 years, so I was using a 10+ year old router from my parents, which had severe internet quality issues. I became close friends with “Tyler” (34M) shortly after. We both explicitly agreed we were only friends and not interested in each other romantically. He said he had an unused router he’d give me as part of my Christmas gift.
Come Christmas Tyler gave me a thoughtful gift assortment while my gift to him was a Spotify membership. When we tried to set the router up, I learned it was actually a modem/router combo, which meant I couldn’t use the modem my ISP provided. He had also changed the default password to a randomly generated one and didn’t know which password was correct. He sent me a list of possible ones to try the next day.
I put it off and continued using my old router. I also realized that if he’d changed the Wi-Fi password, he may have changed the admin login too. Since he’s very security-focused, I didn’t want to spend time troubleshooting an unknown device with unknown settings, especially since I didn’t know how old it was or what else was configured.
By mid-January my internet was unusable, so I bought myself a new $100 router that fit my small studio. Everything immediately worked perfectly. I told Tyler I was excited and he replied: “Did you even try the passwords I gave you? That’s annoying ngl.” I offered to return the router, but he’d said he gave it to me because he didn’t want it, not because it didn’t work.
When I explained why I chose to buy my own instead, he talked down to me about password security and ISP risks (even though he knows I studied computer networking/security). He then said I bought a router “because I couldn’t be bothered” to try his passwords, and when I expressed that he was making me uncomfortable talking down to me he said:
“You should be uncomfortable because that was part of your Christmas package. I put a lot of thought and energy into something specifically tailored for you. It’s hard to NOT take it personally. I recall how hurt you felt when a certain ex threw away your gift.”
The ex’s gift in question was a drinkware set with guitar picks blown into the side of them. I did not see this hand-me-down router that we had discussed would be given to me weeks prior on the same level. I let him know how grateful I was for his thoughtful gift, but explained that the router gesture didn’t work for my needs.
Tyler’s response the next day was that he is going to pick up his sewing machine that he had left at my house. “As for being friends, idk. I’m not in the headspace to think about it. I’m canceling our \[plans for\] hanging out. That’s it for now”
He came to pick up the sewing machine today and it felt very much like a breakup. He didn’t even meet my eyes, say hi or bye, or anything at all, despite me trying to be warm.
So, AITA for buying my own router instead of using his gifted one?
NTA. Tyler is a clown. You don’t hand off a piece of technology like that without knowing it works, knowing the password(s), and preferably resetting it to factory settings.
“I don’t want this. It’s your problem now,” isn’t how you gift something.
NAH-
Honestly with their weird reaction i have a bad feeling like they did something to the router.
Spyware or a mic or cam or something….
Cause thats far too aggressive of an overreaction and a lot of forceful ways of trying to make you use that router.
Pushing you so hard to use an over-complicated router makes no sense if the didnt get something out of you using it.
Why wouldn’t Tyler be the asshole? You voted NAH
I was considering the same thing but thought I may have been being paranoid and too harsh/untrustworthy, I’m glad I’m not the only one who considered this!
Sometimes paranoia is your subconscious protecting you. His over the top reaction makes it seem like there must be a shady reason why he gave you that router.
NTA and he was never your friend
Sounds like Tyler has a little main character syndrome and a huge ego. Such a petty thing to make such a big deal over. Sure, he did you a nice gesture, but that doesn’t mean you and the router he gave you have to live in servitude to him for the rest of your life. Tyler needs to get over it!!
NTA. Also do what’s best for yourself, even when it comes to internet routers. Tyler doesn’t want to be just friends.
NTA
But as a guy, he was definitely into your romantically. Dude is still salty about that.
This is an overreaction to the point of being insulting. He needs to chill out and stop tripping on his own ego.
If I get my friends a gift and it turns out not to work for them, I saw “Aw, well. I’m glad you found something that solved your problem!” and move on with my life. ESPECIALLY when I’m giving them something used that I don’t need anymore.
NTA. Look up his router/modem combo and see if it’s valuable enough to sell\*. He said he didn’t want it, see if someone else does.
\*The only way I can see this being painful is if he gave you one of those $500 routers that don’t really stagnate for a decade or two, and you replaced it with a bottom-of-the-barrel type. But that’s not a reason to be *offended.* He should have fixed/reset the passwords on the bloody thing. It wasn’t as thoughtful as he thinks it was.
NTA
Tyler is a creep
A gift ought to be something you want or need, and that works. His actual gift to you was “more work.” That’s not a gift. NTA
If he is security minded, then he would’ve known what the passwords were. I think it’s good that you didn’t use that router, and I think you need to make sure that whatever other logins or passwords you have on other things, you need to make sure he doesn’t know them. He definitely wanted to be more than friends and that’s what’s got him so upset.
NTA. He put a lot of thought and energy into gifting you his old router? That’s hilarious! And i love his mansplaining. Needless to say, alluding to your gift to your ex was creepy. If $100 got this guy out of your life, it was money well spent.