Hi guys! So I (18F) live in a dorm room with 2 other people, Violet (18F) and Nicole (18F) (all fake names ofc). At the beginning of the year, the 3 of us were decently close and would do things together like grab food off campus or study together, all pretty normal stuff when we didn’t know anyone around campus. Violet and I began to have some issues with Nicole after a little while. There were a few small things we noticed at first, such as asking invasive questions (if we were rich, what our religions were, stuff like that) when we barely knew each other, being really loud in the mornings while we were still asleep, or climbing up our ladders and continuing to talk to us even when we’ve made it clear we need some space. While these things bothered me, there was nothing too crazy that I had to complain about. However, everything shifted when Violet and I went out to grab food one night while Nicole was out. We received a text while we were gone that she was locked out of the dorm because she forgot her keys. We let her know that we would not be back for a few hours and that she should talk to our RA. When we returned later that day, she was nowhere to be found and we texted her that we had unlocked the room. After a while she came back, and she sure had things to say. She gave us a lecture about how we shouldn’t have assumed that she had her keys on her and we should’ve double checked with her that she had them. We had always agreed to keep the door locked when any of us were out and I don’t feel like its my job to make sure that she can get into the room, so I was a little put off that she gave us a whole lecture about this when it was her fault in the first place forgetting her keys. She was also angry that we had gone out without her, which I thought was unfair because this was the first time this had happened and also her and I had done things one on one before so it wasn’t like we all three did everything together. Even after this incident she still has forgotten her keys on multiple occasions. The second instance that stands out is when one of our suitemates texted that they needed some supplies, to which Violet responded that she could grab them for her when she got back to our dorm. When Violet got back, it turned out that Nicole had gone through Violet’s desk to get the supplies without even asking if it was ok. With all of these things that have happened, Violet and I are just generally annoyed with her and have begun hanging out more just the two of us. Usually when someone acts like this I can just cut them off, but I feel like because I literally cannot avoid seeing her everyday in our small dorm room, I shouldn’t need to invite her every time Violet and I go out. Even though I know she is mad that we do so much together, I really just need space when I can get it. So reddit, AITA for going out without my roommate so much?
No you aren’t the asshole for not inviting someone you don’t want to hangout with to hangout with you.
It sounds like she had a very different life experience growing up and different dynamics for people in shared spaces and if you explain that to her it might make it easier. She will either get offended and stop interacting with you as much (which seems like it would be a benefit in your situation) or she will relax and have self reflection and be less annoying or stressful to be around.
She sounds like an only child tbh. NTA
Absolutely not an only child. We tend to be very good self entertainers who need time to ourselves in order to recharge. She sounds like she needs constant interaction. TBH.
Have you guys actually tried sitting down and having a discussion about these things and rules in the living space possible with an RA to moderate? That should be your first step in any roommate conflict
Anyone expecting others to be responsible for whether they have their key or not when they go out is not rational.
No that part is crazy but they could address some of the other stuff and the RA will back them up that remember the key is their own job
Talk to your ra about your concerns
NTA. She should have made sure that she had her keys. And if the two of you go out while she’s not there, does she expect the two of you to wait around to see if she’s coming back? That’s presumptuous of her.
Now, if she had gone on a run, restroom or down to a common area in the dorm, then locking her out while she was going to be back in a minute would have been a dick move.
But if she went to class, lunch, out with friends, or gone wherever for an unknown period of time, then that’s not your responsibility to make sure that she has her keys; she should have taken them with her.
She also seems a little exhausting and I see why you and Violet have been distancing yourselves from Nicole.
NTA
Living with people, especially in a confined place, is always a weird adjustment. But eventually everyone should settle in. It sounds like Nicole might be a bit confused and may have never lived with people like this before. I think it would be a good idea to talk to her about stuff such as boundaries for the things such as being loud in the morning or climbing the ladders to continue talking.
Now the key thing is just utterly ridiculous, it was her fault that she forgot the key, and it is normal to go to an RA when locked out, not scold your roommates for not telling her to grab her keys? Having a conversation with her about that is definitely necessary, or else she might hold it against you guys until you no longer live together.
Don’t feel bad about hanging out with violet more, because it sounds like you guys just click better than you guys do with Nicole, which is fine. I’ve had 2 roommates so far and one I did not get along with at all, and I’m good friends with my new one.
I would say if things either begin to get worse and don’t at all get better, talk to your RA about what might help. Whether that is a mediated conversation, or something else.
You’re not an asshole for setting boundaries, hanging out with people who respect you, not worrying that a grown woman might not have her keys, or for not wanting to be around someone you don’t mesh with.