Off acc. because I don’t want to be identified. (English not main language, sorry)
The title might make me sound worse, but honestly I have no idea if I’m in the right or wrong, and I don’t know what to do.
I suffer from severe mental illness, but I’m sort of high functioning. I study full time, work out, ect. I also have a good amount of close friendships I really appreciate, but the issue is, I don’t feel like I have the time or mental capacity to meet their needs.
Most of my friends react to this, mostly by small comments (purely from good intentions, I know that) like "you never have time for me", "it’s always on your premises". It’s the same reaction from all my friends, individually, and they’re not a part of a bigger friend group, which makes me the only common denominator. I know I am the issue. But sometimes it makes me very sad, I feel like I’m not enough and my reasons are not good enough. I really want to be a good friend, but with all the things I have to do in order to complete my studies and good health (it affects my mental health), I often feel overwhelmed, like I’m drowning and I can’t breathe.
My friends knows this, because I try to be as honest and open as I can, and they never get angry or mad, it’s just disappointment and those comments. I don’t ghost intentionally (but I don’t have notifications on my social media), and I always try to accommodate if I cancel plans with bringing up alternatives, I meet up with all my friends (individually) at least once a month, 2-3 months if it’s a long distance.
I see a lot of videos on TikTok saying that self care and stuff has gone to a new, and wrong level, where there’s a difference in taking care of yourself and being a bad friend, but I don’t know where to draw the line. I am extremely introvert, most of my friends are not, or at least not as much as me, but I don’t know? Any opinions, tips, own experiences?
Small soft YTA and the only bit is that you say they say “”it’s always on your premises” do you only ever hang out with them if they come to your home? Are you trying to make an effort to go to them or meet them out such as getting dinner or something away from home.
It seems like if they’re all making the same comment it maybe is you. I mean you do have to put yourself first if you’re mentally struggling that much but be aware they may slowly distance themselves or put less effort in with you if you’re not also accommodating them sometimes
I believe the OP might be Scandinavian and the term is supposed to be “on your terms” (på dina premisser/på dine premisser/på dine præmisser)
Oh I see, yea that would make sense. I do think my point still stands, as if they are making their friends always do whatever they want to do and not being accomodating to doing anything other than his plans, still a bit YTA ish
Oh I totally agree, it’s just not “only ever at my house”-bad. A friendship is give and take and those always compromising nd making accommodations will get tired of it.
NTA….ok if you have to work and study then cancel or meet later. If your doing it because of anxiety, overwhelmed etc then make yourself go out or keep your plans. Sometimes being with people helps your mental status and it seems they believe you opt to not go out or reschedule alot
If you’re actively working to get better so that you can meet their needs, and you’re just not there yet, NAH
If you’ve decided that your illness is a justification to take forever with no intention of even attempting to reciprocate, YTA
Gentle YTA, for the purposes of this sub. Just a hair over N A H.
You’re in a tough spot, I get that. I’ve been there. But you need to realise that you’re going to lose your friends if you can’t figure out how to balance your own life/struggles/mental health with other people’s needs, too.
You aren’t the only one with stress, obligations, schedules, mental health issues, etc. Your friends are telling you that they feel they’re giving more than they’re receiving from you, and you need to understand and work on that if you expect to keep those friendships. It feels very dismissive when you have a friend who seems to think that they’re the only one whose schedule matters, that they’re the only one who struggles or feels burnt out or has problems. All friendship is give and take; you can’t just take and take and take without giving back.
When you cancel on someone, it doesn’t always matter that you offer alternatives – you’re still cancelling on people and forcing them to change their plans. That gets very tiresome after a while. People will eventually stop inviting you to things, because they won’t feel you’re a reliable person. When you expect others to support you but you have no bandwith to support them, they will eventually stop having the patience to discuss your feelings and problems for the upteenth time when you never have the time or energy to ask about or listen to how they’re doing.
If you feel like you’re drowning by just trying to live an everyday life, it would be really worthwhile to see if you can speak to your doctor or perhaps the counselling services at your school.
NTA
I wouldn’t want to be your friend tbh but NTA, you’re entitled to live how you want
They’re hurting, but kind enough to let things go, they’re good friends however if you want community, and lasting friendships, you WILL have to sacrifice some of your comforts on occasion. You cannot expect everything to be perfect all the time, your friends clearly care about you, ur company, and spending time with you. The kind and thoughtful thing to do would be to reciprocate that energy, and sometimes on THEIR time, not yours. That is IF you want lasting friendships. social media is so anti community “I owe nobody anything, my comfort is all that matters” how truly selfish that is!! Honestly! Folk should want to owe people decency and be willing to put in the sometimes hard work it takes to maintain ANY relationship. And yes it can be difficult to have energy, you don’t always have to say yes, but you will have to do things you may not be 100% up for. Don’t flake on people so often. They clearly want you to think about their feelings, be there for them or accept the loss of connection and live ur life ig. This is a lesson I’ve realized into adulthood, especially as it grows harder to see friends. You will have to put in actual effort sometimes
YTA. Unfortunately, the difference is when you yourself acknowledge you are the issue. Even more unfortunately, if you don’t help yourself, others won’t have the incentive to do so.
NTA.
You’re not neglecting your friends. You’re managing your capacity. There’s a difference.
You’re studying full time, protecting your mental health, and still seeing people when you can. Once a month is not ghosting. That’s effort with limits.
The comments probably come from them missing you, not blaming you, but it still lands heavy. You’re allowed to have boundaries that keep you functional.
Being a good friend does not mean being endlessly available. It means being honest, consistent, and caring within what you can actually handle. You’re doing that.