i (22F) moved back home from college after i graduated last May after my graduate programs got cancelled due to budget cuts. my plan at that point was to try to find a job in that city before my apartment lease was up in July, but to no avail. my mom (49F) and dad (62F) told me if i wanted to come home, i could.
i did everything in my power NOT to come home. i love my parents, but the main reason i didn’t want to come back home was because of their strained relationship. i didn’t really have a choice though, so i moved back home by the end of July, actually finding a job not long after. but before doing so, i told them that i wasn’t here to be an errand boy, i wasn’t there so they could use my car, and i wasn’t there to be anyone’s chauffeur. i wanted them to pretend my car wasn’t there at all.
for reference, my dad doesn’t have a license and has been without a car for two years now, meaning my mom drives him everywhere. my dad not having a car or a license is his own fault. he bought a junk car that conked out on him after about two years, and he doesn’t have a license bc he failed a few times and sees no need to go get one anyway.
everything had been okay, but for the last three months, my dad and i have constantly got into arguments whenever my mom would go on trips and take her car with her. i’d argue that we’d agree my car wasn’t to be used at all, and he’d argue that how else would he get to and from work without a car.
the only reason i’ve ever picked up/dropped off my dad to and from work is bc of how exhausted my mom is. i know it’s selfish of me to seemingly “punish” my dad for his own selfish decisions, but i just don’t like anyone that isn’t me using my car, especially someone who doesn’t even have a license.
my dad has called me selfish and holds me living at home over my head, saying he isn’t just “someone” and that my parents gifted me the car, even though he pays nothing on it. i pay the insurance, i pay for the oil changes, i pay for the maintenance, etc while my mom pays for the small loan on it.
so am i the asshole for:
A. not letting anyone use my car and
B. seemingly punishing my dad for his selfish decision of not making moves to get his own transportation since he relies on me and my mother
edit: changed ‘tethered’ to ‘strained’ don’t know how that got mixed up lol
If your dad got in a wreck without a license and insurance coverage, your insurance wouldn’t help. Absolutely NTA
Ofc. Letting an unlicensed driver use ur car is a legal nightmare waiting to happen. That’s not selfish, that’s basic risk management.
Do NOT let someone without a license drive your car. That’s just asking for trouble.
Drop off/pick up I could see him making an argument for because he’s allowing you to stay there rent-free. There generally is some degree of give and take if you’re staying somewhere for free. I don’t know that I necessarily believe you have to become his chauffeur just because you’re staying there, though.
It seems like there’s a lot of history and resentment here that goes beyond just asking you to drive him to work.
NTA. He’s a grown man who chose not to get a license, that’s not ur side quest to fix. U living there doesn’t make ur car community property
Never let an unlicensed driver use your car. There would be bad legal and expensive insurance ramifications for you.
NTA
If the car disappears, report it stolen asap.
There’s a very simple answer here, OP, and I know you don’t like it, and I know the mob here won’t like it, but it is what it is.
If your mom pays for the car, your mom decides whether it takes your dad to work or not, not you.
INFO: What does she say? If your mom says “drive your father if I can’t” then that’s what you do, and trying to get out of it is A-holery.
Because the likely answer, OP, and the reason that SHE drives your dad to work every day is that she needs his income to keep house and home and food and so on. If she’s paying the car loan, maybe she doesn’t, but it’s really unlikely that she’s paying all of the bills and he’s working for himself under these circumstances. She might be the one paying for your car loan, but that’s likely because your dad takes care of other bills. The financial spreadsheet would probably reveal that your PARENTS, as a unit, pay for your car, OP.
If you don’t want to be part of the household and helping out here, OP, move out. Take on your own car loan, find yourself an apartment, and manage on your own. You don’t get to declare yourself independent and not having to help support your father if you aren’t paying all of your own bills.
if my mom tells me she can’t go get my dad from work or asks me to pick him up when she can’t, i do do it. there have been moments where she’d been gone on vacation for a week and i’ve picked up that slack.
my parents both have full time jobs, my mom just works from home while my dad’s job is about 15 minutes away from our house. i also work a full time job that’s about 40 minutes away. they’ve also told me when i first moved in that i didn’t have to pay any rent or bills, and the only bills they want me to pay are my car insurance and my phone bill. i do buy groceries here and there along with other necessities for the house too, and im saving up until i can go to graduate school, for more info
You pay no rent, no house bills, occasionally buy groceries, and your parents pay the car loan… you should drive your dad when Mom can’t – as it sounds like you already do. Your post seems to be talking about when your mom is out of town and Dad needs a ride, and you won’t take him. You should take him, since they are supporting you almost entirely OR, you could pay for an Uber OR you can get him a bus pass if there is one close. But to say that you shouldn’t help because “he” doesn’t pay (which is false), is ridiculous when he is letting you otherwise live off of him and your mom.
Edit to add: absolutely do NOT let him drive your car though.
ESH he doesn’t have a license so he can’t drive your car and shouldn’t ask. You could be contributing by taking some of the load from your mom. Your dad clearly shouldn’t be driving and money seems tight so Ubers won’t work, so unless busses are possible then why not give him rides till you’re working? why not help out any way you can till you can move out?
OP is working. OP said they found a job right after they moved back in.
NTA. If he gets caught, you’ll be partially at fault. Worse if he hurts someone. I used to go out of my way to help my mom. My stepdad could be a really selfish prick growing up and I stepped into support her.
But here’s the thing – she chose to be with him. She chose someone selfish, immature, and stubborn. I was the child stepping in to support her. That is not okay. You can help your mom but remember, she too, is making choices.
Help out where you can and find compromise where you can (where you’re not compromising safety and insurance), save money and get out.
NTA. If he doesnt want a license, he doesn’t get to drive. You also shouldn’t have to drive him to and from work all the time, and neither should your mother. Tell him he can get a month-long bus pass until he decides to get a license or a bicycle.
Just move out. It is February and you say you found a job not long after end of July when you moved back. So, you have been working for 6 months. You don’t mention paying rent, so 6 months should have been ample time to save up enough money to move out. Problem solved.