I (30f) and my now fiancé (36m) got engaged on new years eve. Still so happy about it and getting used to saying fiancé and not boyfriend. We immediately posted to Facebook all the pics and videos and status update. Both sets of parents knew he was going to propose but no one knew when and how.
We had gone up to see his parents for the holidays and, let’s call my fiancé Rob, had originally considered doing the proposal up there but ultimately decided no. He and his dad, who we can call Kyle, had a fight about a week before us visiting. Rob changed his mind because he was afraid his dad would ruin it in some way. I’m happy he decided on not doing it up there.
Well, my parents immediately congratulate me since they were still awake. Rob didn’t call his parents right away because (since they live in another state) figured they’d be asleep already. Which was half true. Apparently his dad saw the update that night but didn’t call and his mum, who we can call Cara, saw it the next morning. She commented congrats to me of FB but messaged him to call his dad because he was upset that Rob didn’t talk to him about it while we were up there. Rob called his dad 3 times with no answer.
5 days later his dad finally calls. And when Rob picks up he asks his dad "what’s up" and his dad is all "you tell me. You called me." And my fiancé says that he called 5 days ago. Anyway his dad goes on about how he’s not upset with Rob but disappointed and how he keeps making mistakes and takes the easy way out of everything in life. Goes on about how the only way you can contribute to life is by making money and working 50-60 hours to make money. That Rob has no responsibilities outside of work and he can’t take care of anyone. He also said that he didnt call back right away was because he figured he was going to yell at Rob.
This whole situation has ruined my fiancé’s mental and emotional state even though he doesn’t show it. It’s eating at him.
So I messaged Cara and told her that what her husband is doing and how he’s treating his son is wrong. I also reminded her that it took Rob 3 years to confess to some hard stuff he had done at his lowest point in life. Rob literally commented to me that he wished what he had done worked 3 years ago. That is what made me reach out to her. But what does she do? Doesn’t answer me and instead tells Rob to keep her out of all this. His dad also tried calling but Rob didnt answer.
His mum messaged him today asking how he’s doing and he didnt answer. All he wants is a good relationship with his dad. For his dad to be proud of him and be happy for him. He knows I reached out to Cara but I just pray I didnt make everything worse.
I also need advice on how to move forward with him and how to help him through this. He knows I have him and my parents love him and support him as well.
YTA
I understand you had good intentions but I’d let him handle his own parents. I know it’s the typical Reddit answer but maybe therapy would help him unpack his relationship with his dad. He unfortunately needs to accept that it’s likely his father is not ever going to be proud of him and that they won’t have the relationship he desires.
You should not have interfered, the issue is between Rob and his dad. I know you meant well but unless Rob asked you to get involved you should not. YTA
YTA. It isn’t your place to get involved in this. Be there for your husband, but don’t intervene in his family dynamics.
NTA But ooof, what a dad. I guess Rob needs to give up on attempts or expectations that his dad will ever change.
Which brings me to the main point I came to comment. I don’t criticise your contacting his mum, it was worth a try and (so far at least) hasn’t caused issues and I hope that continues. But on the other hand I completely get where she’s coming from. She’s lived with him for years, knows what he’s like, and probably recognises she has absolutely no influence here. I was in the same situation years back with my ex and people would try to pressurise me to control his behaviour which was hysterically optimistic of them. Try to keep his mum as his friend and ally.
As to what to do, I don’t know where you are. I’m in the UK where therapy is not as mainstream or available. How is it where you are?
YTA
It’s not your place to interfere or try to mediate his relationship with the toxic abusive parents. Your HUSBAND needs to address it as he sees fit.
Don’t meddle
Stay out of it. This is between a father and son
YTA
You shouldn’t have involved his mother like this. You see your future husband suffering amd want it to end but putting others in a position where they have to shoulder the burden isn’t the way to solve this. You need to encourage him to get therapy so that he can come to terms with his relationship with his parents, dragging other people into it isn’t helpful at all.
YTA. Not in a mean way, because I get what you were trying to do, but let me break it down.
Acceptable in situations like this as the partner of/”in law”:
\- Talk to partner about their feelings
\- Give advice and/or support when asked for (or being told it’s okay when asking if they need it)
\- Being realistic with your partner when they suffer in situations where they have expectations that clearly aren’t helping them (i.e.: “Babe, sometimes people say something out of frustration that they don’t mean, but sometimes people just show you their true colors. It might be better for your own peace of mind that you talk to a neutral party, or sit and think for a while, maybe write it out, to see whether that’s the case here. Not because you have to for me, but because I love you and I support whatever you decide and I don’t want you to get pulled under by other people’s thoughts and opinions you cannot control and isn’t your duty to change.”)
Not acceptable:
\- Taking it upon yourself to fix
\- Pulling in even more third parties
\- Unsolicited advice or opinions
It’s not your place to interfere. The only thing you can do is be there for your fiance. Do you really think that calling his mother and complaining about her husband will suddenly make everything okay?
I wouldn’t go as far as AH but I don’t think inserting yourself in his parents’ dramas and his relationship with them is going to help. I doubt his mum contacting his dad would help at all either.
Best is to be there for him and support him but accept there’s limits to what anyone can do about the situation.
Your job is to support him, not wade in with his parents. Of course that will make things worse.
He will have to come to terms with the fact that there is no pleasing some people. In his own time.
YTA
YTA. If you thought there was a path forward through his mom, you should’ve discussed that with Rob first, not gone behind his back. It’s his problem to decide how he wants to handle it. It’s also not Cara’s responsibility to micromanage another adult’s behavior, even her own husband. Kyle is responsible for himself and his own actions. If you have a problem with Kyle, take it up with HIM.