im 14 and have autism and major depressive disorder. I went through a depressive episode and I wouldn’t eat, clean myself, or even move out of bed. I finally got out of bed for a mental health appointment and was brushing my hair, I hadn’t brushed it in very long so it was knotted and I was wincing. My stepdad came into the room and said “maybe if you got a wash and brushed your hair more you wouldn’t be having this issue.” I was very hurt and lost my temper with him, my mum is telling me to apologise but he’s acting like a child and giving me silent treatment. I refuse to apologise unless he does, another thing he consistently compares me to his son who has schizophrenia which I find kind of odd because our two symptoms do not overlap the slightest bit. He doesn’t understand the littlest about my issues and when I have invited him to appointments he doesn’t see a point in going if ‘he has to live through it everyday’. my mum is very mad at me since I am refusing to apologise since it always ends with him dismissing it and never apologising.
NTA. As someone with both autism and depression, I get you. Sometimes I don’t even wanna get out of bed. Sometimes even though I need to shower, I can’t, because I’m already in sensory overload and a shower would just trigger a burnout. Your stepdad has no empathy towards you or your struggles and if you’re able to live with someone else I would reccomend it.
If not, maybe speak to a trusted adult about your struggles at home and with your mental health. Is there anyone at school that would want to help? If not, there are several sites for youth to chat with adults to get help. I don’t know where you live but I’m pretty positive your country would have something like that. I hope you get help OP. I’m cheering you on. I know how hard life can be. 💕💕
what exactly did he do to piss you off? tell you the truth?
ESH, he maybe should have said it a bit better, but he also said the truth.
Sorta NTA because it’s possible that NSH really for the most part. I’m so sorry you’ve had such a hard time. It’s difficult to go through that and it can be hard on the loved ones around you as well, but that was not a helpful comment for him to make. In general I think people battle too much over demanding and expecting apologies though sometimes both people have things they could apologize for (thoughtless comment on one side, losing temper and yelling on another). And when they truly hear each other’s experience and can genuinely listen they may feel moved to acknowledge each other’s hurt and apologize to each other without being asked or expected to.
I’m just glad you were able to make it to your mental health appointment and I hope at some point there is time and space for help with how you two interact with each other. He doesn’t seem like he would engage with that but you could talk to your therapist about how to talk about this with your mom at least.
I hope things get better and that, with treatment, you are able to manage your emotions and learn tools to manage life with someone who doesn’t seem to know much about autism and may be unable to manage his own feelings about living with others who have significant mental health challenges. That can be hard and it can be easy to say the wrong thing at the wrong time even when someone is trying to be extra thoughtful. And he may not have been trying that hard, I realize, and it’s possible he does tend to at least be a little bit of TA but it’s hard to know based on one post. It does sound like he digs in and picks too many battles himself if he’s insisting on apologizing.
I guess I just think maybe everyone should back off on forced apologies and start trying to listen to each other. Which is hard to do as a teenager! I just feel for you and hope you keep getting the help you need. I’m not unfamiliar with these struggles in my own various family members so I understand. Hoping the best for you and all your family!
Your a kid so I’m not judging this.
It’s appealing that he is behaving this way, and that he said it like that. However, you did also lose your shit at him. You need to apologize for your part.
My advice is: apologize first, apologize for your part, but also make clear that you are still mad, and expecting an apology from him:
“I am still very hurt and upset about what you said, but I regret losing my shit over it. I should instead have assertively stated that you hurt my feelings. I will try to set my boundaries in a more constructive way in the future. “
Both of you are. So yes YTA. His comment was unhelpful and seems almost meant to hurt your feelings. But it’s true. It’s also important to remember that you don’t exist in a vacuum and the people closest to you are experiencing you too. So all your symptoms they live with in their environment. That can be challenging in its own way. It’s important to remember that, esp when it comes to parents.
I can understand that it’s hard to motivate yourself when you have depression. Your mom is only trying to ‘keep the peace” but he shouldn’t be making insensitive comments like that to you.
As for hygiene, even if you are depressed, it’s important to make can effort to stay clean because it can improve help improve your mood. At least a warm shower every day. Using conditioner on your hair will help keep the tangles out. It’s really important to brush your teeth thoroughly and floss daily to prevent gum disease and tooth loss: an electric toothbrush for two minutes a day is important.
NTA
If that all feels like too much effort,, try every other day. Ease into it. Shower morning, brush teeth at night. The world will be fine if you miss some while learning, getting gored into new habit.
Hope you get some good help soon, kid. Step-dad & mom need to back off. NTA
INFO: What does losing your temper with him look/sound like?
I am leaning towards NTA but if you went to an extreme you may owe an apology even though he is also in the wrong.
YTA, he said the truth. Maintaining a better hygiene and brushing your hair on a daily basis would indeed make you feel better and help your mental health. Yes he could have worded it a bit differently, but he was right nonetheless and was trying to help you. Your family situation sounds difficult enough without you screaming at him like the typical teenager that you are, which was rude and you should apologize for. The posters coddling you are not doing you any favors, you need to hear and accept the truth so you can deal with it head-on.
AH isn’t the right word. You’re in crisis, not just being an AH, but I do think it’s important to understand that mental health isn’t a get out of jail free excuse to go nuclear on people. It’s hard to say whether you should apologize first because you didn’t give sufficient details about what you said to him to know whether it crossed a line. To me though it’s less important that you apologize (either of you) and more important that you all sit down for family therapy.
His comment was cruel and unnecessary, and almost certainly his immature way of lashing out about the unaddressed stressors of having someone in mental health crisis in the home. Can you ask your mom to facilitate family therapy? If it’d induce him to come it might be worth apologizing.
Could you have been nicer about it? Yes
Should you have been nicer about it? Up for debate.
I for one am not gonna blame a depressed 14 year old for snapping at someone low-key bullying them for being depressed when that someone is a fully grow adult who took on the responsibility of caring for them.
Like 90% of the people saying YTA have clearly never dealt with any kind of mental health problems, because if they did they wouldn’t be shaming a 14y/o for being in a place where you can’t take care of yourself. It’s giving “In my generation we didn’t have mental health!☝️🤓👵 Also, did you know I had to WALK to school? 900 km, uphill BOTH ways!”
INFO: when you say you lost your temper, what did you do?
I understand being frustrated by his comment which was inconsiderate and unhelpful, but it sort of depends on the scale of the response.
If you told him to back off or called him an asshole and left it at that, I’d say he’s the adult and should just back off and apologise.
If you insulted him in a really offensive personal way or were physically aggressive, it’s another thing and you probably do owe him an apology.