I \[F28\] went to a family gathering with my wife \[F30\] recently. Her family is pretty outspoken and I usually try to keep the peace even when certain comments make me uncomfortable.
For context, I work with animals. I’m a dog walker and pet sitter and I also help out part time at a small local animal shelter. It’s not a fancy job and I know that, but I like it and it pays my bills! And I’ve never really felt ashamed of it until stuff like this happens.
My wife’s mother always has something to say about my job. She’ll ask when I’m getting a real career or joke that I just get paid to play with dogs all day. I normally laugh it off because I don’t want to start anything even though it definitely bothers me.
This time during the gathering, she said something like “must be nice to not have any real responsibilities, just hanging out with pets all day,” and then did the whole “no offense” thing while looking right at me. A few people laughed and I just felt really embarrassed and belittled in that moment.
I didn’t yell or freak out, but I did say that I didn’t appreciate my job being talked about like that, especially in front of everyone and asked her to stop making comments about it. After that the mood kinda changed and it got really quiet and awkward.
My wife was there but didn’t say anything at the time. Later, she told me I should apologize to her mom because I embarrassed her and made everyone uncomfortable. Another family member said I should’ve just ignored it like I usually do and talked to her privately later.
What I’m stuck on is that the comment about me was made publicly and it wasn’t the first time she’s done this. At the same time I’m being told that me not apologizing is making things worse and creating tension in the family and I’m starting to wonder if I overreacted or handled it badly.
I honestly don’t know if I should just apologize to keep the peace or if standing up for myself was the right thing to do.
AITA?
NTA you have a wife problem, your wife should make her mom stop anytime she bring your job in her speech and don’t dish out what you can’t take!
Your MIL attempted to humiliate you (not for the first time) and you responded in a perfectly reasonable manner. Your wife and MIL both owe you apologies.
NTA. Your wife however, needs to hear, loud and clear (or softly if that’s your chosen method) that YOU are the one owed an apology… from her. Because she did not have your back and is instead allowing her mother to behave this way to her chosen family. That might be “just how she is,” or whatever hand waving excuse that family uses to give mom a pass, but your wife should not be sitting back and allowing you to be dissed and attacked.
I hope she can see this from your POV, because right now, she’s trying to have peace by throwing you to the wolves, and that’s not okay.
If the rudeness and disrespect happen publicly, then i see no reason to discuss it later “privately”. You have tried to ignore it and laugh it off that did not work. I this was your only option. Your wife should have stood up for you the first time. Based on the fact that she didnt i would wonder if she agrees with her mom.
NTA – Hindsight is 20/20, but it would have been nice to respond with something like: Working with animals is rewarding because they love you unconditionally, they don’t judge you based on what you do, or insult you in front of others, which is priceless.
NTA
Oh so it’s okay for YOU to be belittled and publicly humiliated on purpose every time you meet this wicked witch, but the moment you politely call her out on it, suddenly it’s “waah, you made my mummy feel bad, you meanie!” You have a wife and a MIL issue.
NTA You two are married so I’m going to work under the assumption that your wife is broadly supportive of you. That suggests her family has a culture she’s become used to of smoothing the feelings of certain members, like her mother.
Behaviours like this are usually unconscious. Because she’s been trained since she was a child to soothe her mother, your wife sees it as normal as blowing her nose.
I would tell her directly that you’re sorry if it made her uncomfortable but that you’ve reached your limit of ignoring these comments, and you won’t be able to ignore them or apologize to her mother for calling attention to them going forward. Be open to suggestions that don’t involve that and try to be non accusational when you point out “It feels like the embarrassment your mother felt after being called out for being rude matters more than the embarrassment I felt because she was rude to me on purpose.”
NTA, but the issue is with you wife.
NTA
When someone says something rude, and is called out for saying something rude, the rude person is the one who should apologize. Your wife saying you should apologize for (politely) asking for basic respect, is a red flag.
You stopped being a doormat and it made things awkward for other people…including, unfortunately, your wife.
Do not ever apologise for standing up for yourself. Nta.
‘Later, she told me I should apologize to her mom because I embarrassed her and made everyone uncomfortable.’
Her mother embarrassed you and made you feel uncomfortable, but I have a sneaking feeling you’re not getting an apology any time soon. NTA.
You could always ask your MiL why she believes that she is deserving of receiving an apology when she hasn’t yet offered you one herself.
If she’s embarrassed it’s because she got called out for her embarrassing behaviour. Ask her why she’s doing it.
Ask her if there’s something specific that she wants to tell you, or ask you.
Ask her what her problem is.
Have a conversation.
NTA
Head over to r/justnomil and read the “Rock the Boat” Essay in the resources.
NTA
You set a boundary in real time. She chose to be an AH with an audience its not your problem that the audience witnessed your spine shining in light of her bs. The fallout is not your responsibility and your wife owes you an apology and partnership or I just wouldn’t go around her family anymore.
You dont have only mil problem but wife problem too. She should stand up for you against her family.