AITA for refusing to apologize again to a former friend who thinks I hurt her on purpose?
This is long, so TL;DR at the end.
I (F23) was close friends with Mal (F23) starting in high school. We weren’t inseparable, but we were good friends and even planned to be roommates in college with my best friend Jess (F23). Due to the pandemic and personal issues, Jess and I moved home after first semester, but we all stayed friendly.
When I turned 21, I invited Jess, Mal, Delia (F22), and another longtime friend over. We drank/smoked (I didn’t drink but got very high for the first time). I’m likely autistic so i dont have great social skills and get very chatty when high. We talked about relationships and sex (normal for our group). I hadn’t seen Mal in months (my dad had died the previous fall and i saw her at his funeral), so I asked her questions about her relationship. Nothing seemed off that night, and the next morning everything felt normal when i sent her off and we made plans to hang again.
Months later, I mentioned visiting Mal for Halloween and Delia got quiet. Later, Jess and Delia told me Mal had said she didn’t want to attend Halloween if I was there, because I had “said something hurtful on purpose” at my birthday. I was blindsided. I genuinely had no idea what she meant and was horrified that I might’ve hurt her.
I reached out to Mal and apologized repeatedly, explaining I didn’t know what I’d done but was deeply sorry. I offered to apologize properly if she told me what hurt her. She never responded. I sent more apologies (including a long letter). No response. Over the next year, she barely acknowledged me and never explained.
Eventually, through Jess (in 2025), Mal finally explained: she was upset that I asked a personal question about her relationship, teased her when she didn’t answer, and then changed the subject when she tried to respond. She concluded I did this on purpose to humiliate her and then pretended not to remember.
I accept that I may have overstepped and hurt her unintentionally. But I absolutely did not do it maliciously, and I spent years trying to apologize without knowing why she was upset. Now, she’s asking whether I’d be willing to “take responsibility for hurting her on purpose and lying about it.”
I can’t apologize for intent I didn’t have, especially after she ignored all previous apologies and never gave me a chance to understand or repair things. i’m furious that she’s dangling forgiveness like a carrot on a stick in front of me when i have tried so hard to mend things.
TL;DR: Former friend believes I intentionally humiliated her and hid it for years. I apologized many times without knowing why she was hurt. Now she wants an apology that admits malicious intent. AITA for refusing?
NTA She’s a drama queen. Let me ask, does it even seem like she wants to be your friend?
NTA. Mal cut you off for a minor misunderstanding and never explained why. She can apologize for stirring up drama, because if she does this to other people, then pretty soon she won’t have any friends.
You said something that made her uncomfortable, then you issued a sincere apology. We all accidentally screw up socially every now and again. It was, as you said, unintentional.
However, holding it against you as a grudge without any explanation why is pretty childish and petty. If she can’t accept that it was unintentional and let it go, she isn’t your friend and isn’t interested in being your friend. Let her go.
NTA.
NTA, absolutely not. You’ve already gone far above and beyond to make amends. “X I apologize for hurting your feelings, that was *not* my intent,” is all you can say.
She doesn’t *have* to accept your apology, but attempting to manipulate you into expressing malicious intent makes her an asshole.
We at times outgrow our friends, I think your relationship has run it’s course.
NTA. There are people who just want to stay mad to have power over you. If she can’t accept your sincere apology then move on. It was years ago and it’s not that serious.