My (40F) best friend (39F) live together and she has 2 children with 2 different father’s, oldest S (13) and the youngest M (3). Both biological fathers are present in their kids lives. S dad lives in a different province and based on the custody agreement between the parents he gets S every Christmas for 2 weeks and every summer. This has been their agreement for about 6 years both parents have lived up to their ends and he is perfectly reasonable person to talk to and manage things with.
The other child’s, M, father (31M) has proven to be a very high conflict, argumentative, and manipulative. In the past 6 months he has never been on time for pick ups, he has treated M’s mom with so much disrespect showing up and insisting on fighting in front of the small child about adult issues in our home, he has made comments about my mother (who also lives with us), he has shown he is unable to control his emotions or set his feelings aside for the child, when I have picked up the child with my friend on at least 3 occasions he has tried to drag me into their drama BS by literally coming to get me out of the car, he has no job (no steady employment in the 5 years since meeting him, and no job lasting more than 2 months but the average is about 2 weeks), history with drug abuse, and is the type that blames everyone else for him not being allowed to do what he wants when he wants while other people pay for him to live. He has no diagnosed health issues to my knowledge.
I have anxiety and depression with panic disorder and the last few years I have spent learning what my triggers are and how to manage them because I believe that my triggers are my responsibility to manage not anyone else. M’s dad has become a huge trigger for me due to his unpredictable behaviour and his habit of deciding on a whim to keep M even on days that M is scheduled to be with Mom (currently they do not have a court order but my friend is working on getting that process started). I have witnessed his volatile behavior with my own eyes and ears enough to know it’s a matter of time that before it is directed at me and I do not think I should have to deal with that when I am not a parent and I am just doing a pickup/drop off for my friend. I only do this when she is at work typically only once or twice a week.
The biggest issue is S goes to school across the street from his house and due to amounts of cars at end of school S preferred to be picked up at his house about 15 minutes after school is done. I have been doing this but as his behaviour has worsened I no longer feel comfortable putting myself in that situation when I can just pick S up at school.
So AITA for refusing to go to his house unnecessarily in order to protect my own mental health and peace?
He sounds exactly like my ex, who was a diagnosed narcissist and diagnosed with Borderline Personality Dissorder. When I broke up with him he broke into my house, said he was going to kill me, and choked me multiple times while I passed out screaming. I didn’t know he was diagnosed with anything till I went to court to testify against him.
NTA but you need to tell S mom to deal with it all herself. No more pickups, no more dealing with the S dad. Just refuse to do it anymore and tell her she needs to work it out herself.
More of a problem if there is no court ordered custody yet, but many will demand/mandate pickups at the local police station to prevent exactly this type of behavior.
NTA, but get a court order and switch the pick-up/drop-off to a police station or other public place. And S shouldn’t be at this person’s house at all.
NTA
NTA
NTA. If there is no court order I would be advising your friend not to allow contact with either child as this behaviour is unacceptable. I wouldn’t have put up with it, I’ve had to stop doing similar things for a friend because there’s only so much you can do and if it is impacting you negatively you need to prioritise yoursrkf
This is one of the reasons people do pick ups at the police station.
You have no obligation to ever be near this loser.
Definitely NTA for refusing to let this guy weaponise your existence in his toxic drama bullshit.