There’s a few moving parts here so sorry if this is a little garbled. I (49NB) was visiting my parents (Dad (76M) and Mom (72F)) over the Christmas holidays staying at their house.
My Dad has had poorly controlled diabetes for 30 years and a range of other health issues but still has his drivers license and can drive. He’s insulin dependent and mostly sticks to a very strict diet but splurges pretty often (usually a few times a week). My Mom gets on his case about sticking to his diet but I think he’s an adult who can make his own choices and I don’t want to be put in the position of policing what he eats and dealing with the resentment.
My Dad and I were home together mid-morning when my Mom was out shopping and he did this thing that’s always irritated me where he wants something but won’t just ask for it. He pretends I want it and that he’s getting it as a favor for me. He came in to the living room where I was reading a book and relaxing and said he was happy to "treat me" to some McDonalds. I just had to go pick it up for us.
I really dislike McDonalds and haven’t eaten there for like 25 years. I try to eat healthy (which he knows) and was starting a diet. I told him I wasn’t really hungry and even if I was didn’t really want McDonalds. I could tell he wanted me to offer to go anyway but I was so annoyed by the manipulation I just left it there. He got pissed, stormed off and wouldn’t speak to me for the rest of the day. And he complained to my Mom when she came back that I wouldn’t just run a simple errand for him and she now annoyed with me as well.
I debated just going to get some for him but for me that feels like crossing a line. I don’t care if he wants to eat junk in his own home on his own time despite all his medical conditions but I feel like asking me to go out and get it for him is asking me to be an enabler. I also pretty strongly suspect the reason he didn’t just drive to get it himself was that he was already too drunk at 11am to drive himself and I didn’t want to enable that either.
McDonalds doesn’t deliver in their area and they are out of range of restaurant delivery apps. Their house was full of other food options including lots of junk left over from Christmas.
I know it wasn’t a big ask, I wasn’t doing anything else, I was probably overreacting to the obvious manipulation as much as anything else and I don’t want to be judgey about his lifestyle choices, but what say you Reddit? AITA?
Nta. Wow he’s old to be drunk by 11am and eating McDonald’s. No offense
Yeah, I’m thinking fast food may be the least of the concerns here.
The passive aggressiveness is what got me. I’m imagining his morning oj was spiked 😭
Is it poorly controlled, does he stick to a strict diet or does he splurge a few times a week?
He tries to stick to a super strict diet (mostly salad) for a day or two and then binges on pizza for the rest of the week. He kind of makes a big show about it when my Mom is around especially but as soon as her back is turned he’ll be scarfing cookies, cake, soda, etc.
NTA. If he really wanted it, he could go fetch it.
nta, if he wanted it bad enough he’d go himself or just ask directly
NTA, you’re right to feel like it would be enabling him to get him McDonald’s when he has health issues as is. Aside from that, you have no real obligation to get him fast food just because he wants it, he’s just throwing a fit.
NTA – aren’t families just such a joy sometimes?
NTA
If he wants a burger, he can just go get a burger.
Games suck.
NTA. I wish my mom had better controlled her diet and diabetes. She ended up on dialysis and with a heel ulcer that never healed and then an amputation. You dad sounds like he’s on the same trajectory.
NTA, especially because he wasn’t being straightforward about what he wanted, and was trying to make it seem like a favor to you.
That kind of beating-around-the-bush passive aggressive shit irritates me no end, because it’s dishonest and cowardly.
If he wants to cheat, he should say so. But if he can’t say so, you don’t need to respond to *the things he won’t say.*
Do exactly what you did here. Don’t play into this communication dysfunction. Respond only to what is actually said, not the subtext that he’s not saying but expecting you to get. You aren’t a mind reader. He is an adult who can state his needs. If he refuses to state his needs it is not your job to guess at and fulfill them.
“I’d love to treat you to McDonald’s” fully deserves the response “thanks but I’m not eating McDonald’s anymore.”
His inability to directly acknowledge that he’s “cheating” and harming himself with his diet in no way requires you to participate in that harm.
No1 alcohol and diabetics don’t always mix so well. If he’s ratted at 11am, he has a problem. Which you know and he knows.
McDonalds and diabetes also don’t mix. Unless he’s eating the carrot sticks.
Also, a strict diet (IMO) isn’t splurging three times a week. It’s maybe a blow once a week at the maximum.
He’s annoyed at you. Does your mum know what that errand was that you refused? Because you’re correct, you would enabling him. It’s literally killing people with ‘kindness’. Also addicts (going with the drunk by 11am) are manipulators. The lie, cheat and try and persuade those around them to help and enable them.
You’re NTA here. Your dad really isn’t trying to manage his health well. That’s on him, not you.