My great Grandfather died a couple days ago and the funeral service will be next week. I’m a senior in college and I’m taking off of work and school to go to my great grandfather’s funeral an honor his memory. I live in a different state than the rest of my family so I have to fly out there. It’s a whole expensive process to go to this funeral, but i want to be there for my grieving family and see my Pop Pop one last time.
My mother and Older sister called me earlier today and told me that I have to either wear a hat or dye my hair a natural color AND take out all my face piecering when I go to the service.
I said no that its a disrespectful request to ask me to do all that.
Pop Pop always said he loved my hair and the way I dress (I’ve been dying my hair for the better part of a decade now)
I don’t look this way for attention or anything. I’ve had a long struggle with my appearance and like myself in my body and stuff. (I realize I was trans and that was part of the problem) and
It’s just i spent so long trying to enjoy how i look and it seems silly to change it for someone who KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I haven’t seen my pop pop or my extended family in a couple years bc I havent been able to travel while in college. And I’m fully independent financial wise from my family.
They haven’t seen me since i started transitioning is my point and I’m already worried I’m gonna get shit for it.
I just can’t help but feel like they are embarrassed to be associated with me. My mom and my sister saw me only a couple months ago, I’m talking about my extended family btw.
It’s my family? I should show up as I am? Don’tcha think?
Im gonna wear a nice outfit, but even my mom was policing that too.
For notes:
I have green hair, short.
I have two lip piecering, a septum, a bridge and eyebrow piercing.
I just don’t think it makes sense to change my appearance? But if it’s truly disrespectful to show up to a funeral looking the way I do, I will do it.
I’ve never been to a funeral but it just seems like a stupid request.
I feel like, especially for a funeral, my family should take me as i am.
NTA. If you’re great grand father was okay with your appearance, then you’re okay. He wouldn’t want you to change yourself.
NTA. be yourself, learn about grey rocking and learn the power of ‘I’m not having this conversation’ and walking away/hanging up.
NTA: as you said, your Pop Pop knows what you look like. Green hair and face piercings don’t preclude dressing appropriately for the funeral (if it’s held someplace like a church, or if the deceased requested people wear a certain color, etc).
NTA, go as you are, pay your respects, and turn away from those making a scene. It becomes about them. Unless you think your mom can force the funeral home to Gate Keep you out. Best of luck.
NTA. It was, indeed, rude for them to even ask
NTA “I’ll be there looking exactly how pop pop loved and knew me.”
NTA, he loved you the way you are and others need to accept that as well.
I think you can be who you are but a less amped up version of who you are, if that makes sense. My husband is a heavy metal rock singer and his usual look expresses that. At family events like holidays or weddings he tones it down. He can put on khaki pants and a button down shirt to show respect for the occasion. He doesn’t feel it takes away from who he is to dress for the occasion.
A funeral is a somber occasion. Mourners usually dress less joyfully, with the intent to not draw attention. Removing some or all of your faces piercings will make it less about you.
This! Dressing somberly and taking out the piercings or putting in plugs makes sense. Dying your hair, not so much. Two things can be true at once. 1. Your grandfather was okay with how you dressed. 2. It’s not going to be appropriate or welcomed by his other family members at his funeral.
Toning your look down without completely removing your identity is an easy way to be both respectful and avoid drama. If drama happens after you try to be more mindful of everyone’s feelings, then that isn’t on you. You’ll be able to know you tried to be an adult and bend a little – something we’ve all had to do to keep the peace. If your compromise doesn’t work, the rest of the family can go kick rocks.
I agree. Dressing appropriately for the occasion is important. I don’t take my piercings out but I braid my weird coloured hair into a conventional style, cover up my tattoos, and wear beige and grey when the occasion demands it.
NTA – you’re there to honor him. Sounds like you two had a good relationship. He told you he liked the way you look, if it was when you were wearing accessories and had your hair dyed… why change that “for him” after he’s gone?
I’m not a fan of saying the deceased would have wanted this or that, but when he was alive, he wanted you just the way you are – don’t change to suit someone else’s idea of “acceptable” when you were more than acceptable to him.
I’m a fairly conservative baby boomer. That being said,I don’t personally see how your short green hair or facial piercings are disrespectful to your deceased great grandfather. You say that he loved your hair. Celebrate him!!
NTA. He loved your hair and the way you dress. Go the way HE would want you to show up. Ignore the rest of your family. This is for HIM. No one else.
NTA. Seems like pop pop loved you as you are, and would probably have some strong feelings about him being used as an emotional bludgeon to get you to change your looks.
Show up as you are. That’s the best way to pay respects to a man who loved you *as you are.* It’s just unfortunate some of your other family can’t be as awesome as your great grandfather was.