I’m F 50 and have 2 siblings, older sister and younger brother, mum is 78 lives alone in a sheltered housing. I do most of the work for mum, washing, shopping, finances etc. I normally bring mum to stay with me every week end she’s up for it. We are in the UK.
My sister has 5 year affair with my husband I found out 15 years ago and it nearly destroyed me. I’m still with him but it’s been hard and I’m obviously estranged from sister, and mum sees her every other week which I’ve never tried to interfere on.
Brother stopped speaking to me about 7 years ago and I’ve no idea why but he absolutely hates me and I don’t expect we’ll ever talk again. So I don’t speak to either of them.
Mum has made me power of attorney and her executor but they don’t know this, it will be hell when they find out but it’s protection for me and mum.
Anyway, mum has around £35k in savings and I keep it in a savings account for her in my name as we have always worked like that due to her being controlled by her husband who passed away. I show her a statement every month. Brother and sister have found out and are demanding mum gets it in physical cash and puts it in a safe in her house or they’ll never speak to her again!!!
There’s no way I’m doing that as it’s so dangerous as her shelter housing isn’t manned 24/7, no cameras, and she has teenagers about her flat with her granddaughter. AITA for putting my foot down? What would you do? I can’t be doing with all the drama at all. My job involves working with elderly so I know what I’m doing and I’m very close to my mum. I financially sound and don’t need the money. I also don’t need the trouble it’s causing and wondered what you would all do.
NTA – There’s no valid reason to pull that money out in easily stealable cash, especially to put it somewhere that brother and sister know about it and can easily get to it. This isn’t about “you don’t need the money”, this is about “estranged siblings feel entitled to money that isn’t theirs” and moving it out of a bank account into a place they can much more easily access (and possibly do harm to Mum while they’re accessing it).
You are being asked to help them rob your mum, telling them to sod off is the way you continue being not the ahole.
Thank you! I feel absolutely terrible about it as my mum
Is in a state over it all, and she’s old school where they think everything is safe under the mattress. I just can’t do it but I know my mum doesn’t want to fall out with them
too. 🩵
A falling out is inevitable when they see your POA as the vehicle for them to clean her out.
NTA. 35k dollars is not something to keep around in cash. Setting aside the implied danger of your siblings stealing it, it would also put a target on your mother’s back for any would-be thief to break in, should they learn about it. Keep it safe in the bank, and good for you maintaining transparency with your mother in sharing the account statements.
As an aside, consider therapy if you aren’t already. Caring for an aging family member is mentally taxing work (I care for my grandfather), and it can be good to have an impartial third party to talk to in circumstances just like this.
You’re so right! Her granddaughter (my niece) is always there and known to gossip. If she knew there was that money in the flat, she’d brag to friends and all it takes is one person to think they can break in and voila! I just can’t have it. Thank you for caring 🩵
NTA. Your plan is working and your mom is fine with it, so keep going with what works. It’s not like your siblings are in a position to do anything about it, so they can touch grass.
If your mother is of sound mind and she asks for the cash, there’s a limit to what to you should do if you indeed want to do the ethical thing. So unless you want to start mental incompetence procedures, it’s her money and the way you’re holding it is dodgy and may come out. I’ll set that aside but I wouldn’t necessarily trust someone in a situation like that if they had her money in their name. However, if they are harassing her and she sees this you can help her stand firm.
What does she want to do? I agree, a safe is a bad idea and holding it in all cash is a bad idea because the place isn’t secure and they may well pressure her into opening it or giving them the ability to do so. But what does your mom want? Just because you’re a main caregiver doesn’t entitle you to her money.
So my rating depends on what she wants and if you’re following her wishes. As far as why you’re estranged from your sister over an affair with your husband, yet still with him as if the betrayal wasn’t even greater, that is not the choice I’d make but I’m not you.
Thank you 🩵 she wants to keep it the way it is, but she doesn’t want estranged from my siblings. She said it was greed on their part, especially brother as he’s asked for a bit of the money, apparently before he gets his inheritance. I’ve told mum she can do what she wants but that I’m not lifting it in cash to be kept in a safe. I’ve offered to send him his share by bank transfer if that’s what he wants. Yeah, the whole sister thing is another story……. 😔
It is nothing to do with them, if you are in no contact then you don’t have to answer to them. The money is safe in the bank and that arrangement is between you and your mum.
Thank you 🩵
If the money is being looked after for your mother and you are mutually aware of what is happening with it then NTA.
Do you have her permission to mind it? Are you accountable to her for what happens with it?
Let’s face it the only reason they want to do this for is that they can then get access to the cash easily when they want . You are doing right by your mother, keep protecting her as you are.
I would probably not go online to publish the fact that I’m hiding my mum’s savings in order to defraud the DWP or pension company.
Why are you still with your husband but not speaking to your sister ?
They both betrayed you