I (19M) been with my girlfriend (19F) for a little over a year. This isn’t about jealousy or trying to control what she wears, but I’m looking for outside perspectives.
Sometimes she goes out without a bra, and occasionally her nipples are visible through her shirt in public. I noticed it makes me uncomfortable, so I brought it up calmly and told her how it makes me feel. She got annoyed and said she doesn’t want to wear a bra because it’s uncomfortable, which I understand.
I want to be clear: I’m not trying to tell her what to wear or shame her body. I know it’s her choice. At the same time, I can’t ignore that it genuinely bothers me, and I’m not sure if that’s something I need to work through on my own or if it’s a reasonable thing to bring up in a relationship.
So I guess my question is:
Am I overthinking this and projecting my own insecurity, or is it okay to feel uncomfortable about this even if I don’t expect her to change?
Looking for honest opinions, not just “break up” or “you’re controlling” takes.
EDIT: I genuinely am just curious if I’m overthinking and I am. I was in a toxic relationship and went through life experiences that happened and changed me way before I started to talk and date her. I haven’t been in a serious relationship after the toxic one and I understand that I need to get over it and understand her intentions and personality are absolutely nothing alike or similar.
Thank you Reddit!
Does anyone have self care suggestions that you think would help with overthinking and insecurity?
Get over it. Girls have nipples so what.
YTA. You are uncomfortable. She is not. This is 100% a you problem. You asked if this is something you need to work on. It is.
Well, you identified something she does that makes you feel uncomfortable. She identified why she likes to do it. The only middle ground is, you cope. If not, you will resent her. Which is more valid, her physical comfort, or your emotional comfort?
unfortunately YTA and you should ask yourself WHY it bothers you so much. I would even suggest therapy or a women’s studies class and that will help with perspective on things like this
I think the question is, why are women’s nipples *that you only see an outline of through a shirt* so sexualized that people are actually uncomfortable?
And are women responsible for other people’s comfort so that they make themselves physically uncomfortable?
This, so much. As a society we place connotations on women’s nipples that we don’t on men’s. I’ve noticed more young women now go braless. I’m retraining my brain to go “huh. She’s obviously more comfortable that way.” In the long term I’d like not to even do that, because it shouldn’t even be something that needs ANY thought, but society has a way of making certain responses normalised and difficult to shift.
OP, NTA unless you feel that your discomfort is the important thing here. Cultures shift, you need to do some work to shift yours or find a girlfriend with more conservative behaviours so that you can remain in your comfortable bubble.
Nipples still show through bras. You can wear a bra, a camisole, and a shirt and your nipples will still show. It’s a you problem.
Gentle YTA. Obviously you can’t be uncomfortable about anything. That’s your right. And since you’re not asking her to change her behavior or clothing choices you’re good there.
But this isn’t really a reasonable thing to bring up more than you already have. She’s comfortable. Women have nipples. It’s something you should work on getting over.
Frankly most women are beyond tired of nipples being so fetishized that men behave or react like this just from nipples showing through clothing.
You’re projecting your own insecurity and you should work on it on your own.
YTA. I’m uncomfortable seeing men’s nipples. Put on a bra when you go out, OP.
This part. I see men’s nipples all the time, sometimes without a shirt covering them.
Lol maybe I will start carrying pasties so I can impose on them the way they do to us. LMAOOO casually slide them into his partner’s hand in line for the grocery checkout, and whisper to her “you need to get this guy under control”.
It’s good that you are questioning yourself. Men have nipples too, do they offend you as well? Asking for all the nippled animals on the planet.
I’m guessing it bothers you because you are in a relationship with her and have come to think of those particular nipples as belonging to you in some sense.
They don’t. They are hers to do with as she wishes, and quite frankly, I’ve always thought (especially America’s) war against female nipples as something that makes zero sense at all. In many other countries, nipples and jiggly boobs are not a traffic stopper.
Yes, there are also many countries in which women are covered head to toe in (usually black) tents out of which suppressed eyes emerge cautiously, which is way worse than requiring a bra. But to me, that also makes no sense.
You are young. Adjust your attitude. Realize much of it has been generated by a male-dominated society in which many men feel a sense of ownership over the female nipples attached to the women they are close to.
Then also realize most of the reasons women’s nipples have been so closely guarded and secreted away is because men, without discussing the desires and needs of those women, have determined that is how it “should” be.
YATAH
Do men’s nipples bother you also?🤣
YTA, gently, because you’re young. Why does it bother you exactly?
You said it yourself — it’s her body, but let’s think about the double standard here. For men, it is socially acceptable to walk around completely topless at beaches, in the gym, at the pool, etc. — even though yall also have nipples. For women, it’s not socially acceptable to be topless at all, under any circumstances, save a few nude beaches. If nipples were the issue, then both men and women should be expected to have shirts on at all times. It’s a completely unfair standard based on puritanical ideals about women’s bodies. Even so, your gf is not attempting to go completely topless! She’s just relieving herself of the discomfort of wearing a bra 24/7. Contrary to what many men believe, breasts are not sex organs. They’re for feeding children. There is no logical reason to demand that the mere outline of a woman’s nipple never be shown. It is not reasonable to ask her to sacrifice her comfort, preferences, and potentially finances (bras are expensive), because the outline of the female body is too suggestive for you.
YTA. How could this *not* be able trying to control what she wears?