i 17F have a part time job alongside school that gets me about £650 a month. my money isn’t for any responsibilities as my parents pay for my travel and anything school related.
in december my dad (57) was stressed because his sister (60+ i just know she’s older than him) who lives in DRC is struggling and she raised him instead of his parents so he wants to pay back. he asked me and my brother (19) to give her money. me and my brother decide we’d come up with £150 with me paying £50.
the thing is i’ve had a handful of empty conversations with her and my dad has 15 siblings and i have never spoke to most of them. she might be his sister but to me it’s nothing but blood so why would i give her money?
my dad keeps asking me to send this £50 and whilst i am financially in a position where i could, i don’t see why i should when i’ve seen the curse of sending money back to congo because my parents have family constantly asking for money.
i understand i probably sound selfish but i don’t know if i should just send the money because it’s been 3 months or if i should refuse because i’ve just been telling him i will.
i also have financial things im trying to do myself, i want to buy a car and currently i save £400 of my paycheck as im trying to afford a car, lessons and insurance.
AITA?
edit: i think im gonna send the money. i understand now the weight of my word and now i know for next time to not use my word lightly. i am really privileged to have parents that support me as much as they do. for me it wasn’t because of £50 it was because of the relationship levels.
i’m doing this 1. because my dad feels like he owes her and i understand his guilt because he’s a dad first before he can support his sister so he can’t do what he wants to do
2. because as i’ve been made aware that your word holds weight
NTA. What really sealed it for me is that you don’t have a relationship with this person. You don’t even call her your aunt! Nobody is entitled to your money, least of all someone who has had zero role in your life.
Maybe your dad feels like you owe the family because he pays for your expenses but, guess what? That’s being a parent.
NTA you’re 17, and that’s not your responsibility, it’s your dad’s choice to help her out. Can he afford to do so on his own? Why is he asking his children to do it instead of him?
I think it’s nice he wants to help her, it sounds like she sacrificed a lot for him, and probably the other siblings too, and that can really put someone at a disadvantage in their own life, but he can’t rely on you to do it. What he could do though is ask you to start paying for some things on your own – phone bill, clothes, etc.
Wait… HE wants to “pay her back”, so YOU (and your brother) are supposed to give her money? Are you two his children or his ATMs?
NTA
NTA. I did this once to be nice and I had multiple family members start asking for money. So I just stopped completely.
YTA. It’s £50 and your aunt literally lives in one of the poorest countries in the world and raised your dad. He’s trying to teach you the importance of family. I’m not saying give her £50 every month, but as a one off, £50 isn’t going to break the bank.
YTA — you committed to send £50 so you need to fulfill that commitment.
I understand and agree with all the reasons you don’t think you should have to or don’t want to. But a commitment is a commitment; you’ll know next time not to commit until you’ve had an opportunity to more carefully consider the request.
This can get slippery. I don’t disagree with you but you only has fun money because your parents payfor everything (which I feel they should at only 17). I hear you about not really knowing this woman, but that’s kind of irrelevant given how much she did for your father and by extension, possibly you. Would you even exist had it not been for this woman? I honestly do see your point but if she’s in actual dire need and you’re standing there going “but but, I want a CAR”, yeah you’re going to come off as selfish. It sounds like you’ve been well cared for and this is a one off thing meaning your dad doesn’t have a habit of asking you to send money to your aunt. So if he’s asking, he must really be worried. Maybe instead of doing it for her, you do it for him.
NTA- but if it were me I’d send the money, rack up some karma in the universe and ease my father’s mind a little.
NTA.
You’re 17. That’s your part-time job money. You don’t have adult financial responsibilities, but that doesn’t mean your income is community property. You’re saving for a car and building your own independence, that’s responsible, not selfish.
Your dad wanting to support his sister makes sense. She raised him. That’s his relationship and his gratitude to repay. But that obligation doesn’t automatically transfer to you, especially when:
• You barely know her
• You’re still a minor
• This has been ongoing pressure for 3 months
• There’s a history of constant money requests
That “curse” feeling you described isn’t really about superstition, it’s about boundary anxiety. You’ve watched money requests become never-ending, and you don’t want to get pulled into that cycle.
It would be kind of you to give the £50.
But kindness is optional. Obligation is different.
If you want to keep the peace, you could frame it as:
“I love that you want to support her, but I’m saving for my car and I’m not in a position to give money right now.”
If you decide to give it, do it because you choose to, not because you were worn down.
You’re not selfish for wanting financial boundaries at 17. You’re thinking ahead.
Info needed, did you already agree to send 50? Because that’s how your post read. If you did already agree to send money and now you’re backtracking kinda TA
I am torn on this one. I guess all I can do is ask you a question. How would you feel if your parents stop paying for those items like travel and school related expenses since you now have a part time job? Your dad could help out his sister instead of helping you. Something to think about.
The only thing swaying me towards YTA is purely the fact you already agreed to send $50, and are now going back on it.
Had you stood your ground and said “No, I don’t have a relationship with this person, I don’t want to send them money” then 100% NTA, good for you. They’re not your responsibility and you work for your money, but you already agreed with your brother how much to send.
Personally, just get it over with, send the $50, then refuse to do it ever again. Tell your dad if his sister needs money he should be sending her money, or if you don’t want the conflict, say you’ve put all your money into fixed savings that you can’t readily access.
You already agreed so just keep your word. However clearly and respectfully communicate that going forwards you won’t and why.
NTA, but you’d be stupid not to. This is not the hill to die on when your parents are paying far more for your travel and education. If you lost your job and savings it be different, but I’d just look at this as your parents sending the the 50 and then covering all but 50 of your expenses.
Feel free to reevaluate when you graduate and are fully supporting yourself.
Just be aware that this is a slippery slope. Once your dad’s other siblings in DRC hear about this, expect them to come running with their hand out.
You need to be very clear with your dad that there is a maximum you’re willing to give to his family.