Long story short, we usually travel as a large group of friends, extended family and kids. About 15-20 persons as a group overall.
We usually rent properties and do some activities during the week and share expenses. We are doing this since at least 2019.
However, for my part it is usually the worst week ever. All I do is haul luggage, manage the car rental, activities and drive everyone around.
Usually, this kind of trips happens near beaches, islands and remote places usually popular with tourists. However, I’m not that much of a beach guy and dread the heat and sun. Hauling chairs, rent spots, haul beach toys, all this for a few hours are usually enough to ruin my day.
Last week, my SO made plans and I told her that I would prefer a smaller laid back trip with only our family (M and F mid 50’s, kids late teens) in Europe or somewhere with more cultural/historic activities.
Last night, we had a dinner with friends and they were looking at beach houses. I explicitly told them "maybe wait, we can think about this overnight…." so I can discuss with my SO when back home (everyone had a few drinks except me).
I go to the bathroom for 5 minutes and when I come back, boom everything is reserved, the house, rental car, etc…..only the plane tickets remaining to purchase.
I was like whoa okay. The next morning I told my SO that I possibly would not go, insisting that I would pay my share for my kids tickets and activities but I’d rather stay home and do something else.
Needless to say, she was mad about it, accusing me of ruining the vacations of everyone and asking me to find a lie to tell everyone I cannot go because of a bogus reason (work).
AITA for acting like this? Usually I can get convinced and take a few hours to read and get a good picture of the situation (I hate surprises and she knows it).
NTA – It’s not fair to expect you to pay money for a trip you aren’t going to enjoy. Asking your SO do a day to think things over and discuss it is more than reasonable. Your SO ignoring you and booking things in the next 5 minutes is completely unreasonable. It’s not a healthy relationship if you are being disrespected like that.
>I go the the bathroom and boom everything is reserved
They don’t have to not book because you’re unsure if you want to attend. You can talk about whether you want to go or not, but either way everyone else is going.
But if you don’t want to go, don’t go. But I also understand your wife being upset if she has to watch the kids all on her own if you don’t go. That’s more likely why she’s mad than ‘ruining everyone’s vacation’ because let’s be real, one person out of 15-20 not attending won’t make things that much more expensive on everyone else.
Then maybe the wife should actually take her husband’s opinion to heart and arrange a vacation he can enjoy too. Instead she’s choosing these other people and what she wants and doesn’t give a fig that this is not something he enjoys. She just expects him to suck it up and be her pack mule and chauffeur. So she can deal with whatever the results of actions are.
NAH for not wanting to go on an extended family trip, but YTA for not communicating well about any of this.
You waited until your wife had already started making plans before saying you’d prefer a smaller trip, and it doesn’t sound like you discussed it again with her after that point in more detail. Then when everyone was looking at beach houses you said “maybe wait, let’s think about this overnight” which is pretty indirect and didn’t include any context as to why you might want them to wait. You should have had a direct conversion your wife about this already, and when the group was discussing plans you should have said something in the moment like, “I’m actually thinking I’d prefer a smaller trip this year, I’m feeling pretty burnt out and I think I need something low-key. I’m not saying you all can’t do the big trip but I’d like to chat with my wife before I make any plans. Ok if we all meet next week to finalize everything together?”
Totally get the urge to skip – big group vacations are not vacations in my opinion. But knowing how the planning works, you should have spoken up a lot sooner.
NTA. You asked them to wait, they ignored your input and went ahead and booked everything. Just because they booked it doesn’t mean your locked in to do it. Talk with your kids and SO about other options. Sounds like they need to hire an activities coordinator/ driver.
I would just say no. They don’t need an excuse. Just as easily as they booked the trip they can change the number of people.
Don’t let them talk you out of what you know is right for you
We do something similar as far as the huge group trip goes. But we also make room for differing opinions. Not long ago one person in the group expressed being tired of the beach destinations the primary planner of our group chose every summer. We all said cool – you plan it this year. He did and we spent a lovely week in the Colorado mountains together.
That your wife just said, essentially, “never mind him,” and reserved everything after knowing how you felt was a AH move on her part (it doesn’t sound like you told the friends your objections).
NTA
NTA..You already told your SO the week before what you wanted and she went ahead and booked anyway. Your desire had been communicated.
NTA, but you need to be far more vocal and specific. Speak loudly to your partner and then tell her what you won’t do and what you will do. She is TAH, by hearing you are not wanting to commit, then committing you. But you have to speak up!
You and your spouse need to get on the same page. I would limit group vacations to every 18 months (if she insists on still wanting them). Maybe she could go on a girls trip with her friends.
Vacations are supposed to be a chance for family bonding, seeing new places, and relaxing. Your vacations are not doing any of those things & sound very stressful.
NTA. But also go find your spine dude.
You are allowed to have an opinion, and you are certainly allowed to pick your vacation destination.
Your wife not being on board with you is a red flag. NTA.
NTA
You have limited time (PTO), money, and energy. These family vacations don’t sound fun for you.
Your SO knows she would end up having to do more work if you aren’t there. Don’t let at her con you.
Let someone else do all that driving around, corraling kids and schlepping luggage. If you spouse gets a taste of what you’ve been doing then maybe she won’t so readily sign up for the next horror filled vacation. Vacationing with 15-20 family members sounds like a nightmare to me