So, here’s the story. At the beginning of the year, I (25F then) had a best friend “Mia” (26F). We’d been close for years. She’s a stay-at-home mom of two, married to “Tom” (28M). I don’t have kids, but I always tried to be supportive and was super involved with her first child’s life. I planned to do the same for her second baby.
My boyfriend (23M) and I planned a cozy snow trip with Mia and Tom — our first-ever couples’ getaway.
We booked an Airbnb as a group , agreed on the cost, everything was settled… until the very next day.
Tom suddenly wanted to invite another couple to “cut costs” after we’d already agreed on everything. None of us liked the idea of adding strangers to what was supposed to be a small, comfortable group trip — especially because what if we’d be snowed in together.
Here’s the twist: Tom’s Airbnb account was linked to my boyfriend’s. So every message he sent — to the host popped up on my boyfriend’s phone.
What did we see? He gave them full details of the trip. He tried to change the reservation from 4 to 6 guests behind our backs.
Basically, it wasn’t a suggestion — it was a done deal.
Mia even texted me privately, saying, “I don’t like how he’s going about it.” But a few hours later, she switched and pushed really hard for me to just go along with it.
We were polite. We offered to reschedule or find another place. Instead of talking it out, Tom just refunded our portion and uninvited us. They went on the trip with the random couple anyway, and the friendship started fading from there.
Months passed. I moved in with my boyfriend, started grad school, I work full time, juggled family and friends — my life became very full. She had her second baby in May, and I tried reaching out more than once to see her and meet the baby. I really wanted to be present again the way I was with her first.
But a few days later after she gave birth I had a serious accident. She reached out once — and that was the extent of her support. ** I am completely okay now**
Mia finally messaged me saying she felt like I’d been distant ever since I moved in with my partner. I reminded her gently that when she moved in with her now-husband years ago, she became less available too — and I always understood. But she didn’t extend the same understanding to me. And here’s the part that really stung: in that same message, she tried to brush it off by saying, “Maybe it’s my postpartum depression” — which was the same time I’d had a serious accident. I replied right away to her concern and no reply from her what so ever for WEEKS.
We attempted to talk things out a few times, but one of us was always busy, and eventually… the friendship just dissolved. No real closure. Just silence, hurt, and confusion. She sent me what was basically a breakup text and didn’t even spell my name right.
Now it’s Christmas. And I keep thinking about her. I miss her or maybe I miss who she used to be. I miss the comfort, the history, the version of our friendship that felt like family.
Part of me wonders if I should reach out. Another part of me wonders if the friendship I’m mourning isn’t the friendship that actually existed at the end. And another thinks maybe I should have been more sensitive and understanding that she gave birth and motherhood is hard … but I feel like I have been trying to understand that forever and accommodated her parenthood all the time.
So Reddit…
AITA for not wanting strangers on our snow trip, letting the friendship fade afterward, and now wondering if I should even try to fix something that might just be broken for good?
You were useful until you weren’t You’re not the first friend to fade in to the background noise after someone gets married and has kids. You won’t be the last. I’d say most everyone who made it past their late 20’s has an example.
Exactly. Sadly, a lot of friendships shift once marriage and kids enter the picture, and the ones who don’t fit into that new lifestyle often get sidelined. It’s painful, but it’s also incredibly common.
Some friendships are short-term and this was one. Move on and stop asking yourself “what if…”.
She is married to a jerk which has also made her a jerk, it happens. Friendships end in weird way sometimes, be happy and move on.
You’re not the asshole. You had every right to say no to strangers on a trip you already planned and it was wrong of Tom to change things behind your back. After that you still tried to stay in the friendship but she stopped meeting you halfway. It makes sense that the friendship faded. Missing her is normal but it sounds like you’re grieving what the friendship used to be not what it became. Reach out only if you want peace but you did nothing wrong.
NTA
As others have said, friendships can fade away after someone gets married and has kids. With her, sounds like she married a turd and turned into one herself.
You did nothing wrong with the friendship, it’s all on her.
Great idea, go on a couples trip with…. a mom
yta
This exact thing was posted yesterday, let’s invite some strangers to cut costs
Look back on your friendship honestly. It sounds to me that this friendship was one direction. Real friendships are reciprocal. You were only useful when you were at her beck and call.