I (33f) was in a relationship with my soon to be ex husband for 15 years. We met when we were 14 and started dating at 18. Fast forward we experience recurrent miscarriages 6 in total and the death of our son born prematurely at 7 months . during lockdown we finally have our rainbow baby(DD) unbeknownst to me that very year he was busy having an affair and he supposedly impregnated AP I still didn’t know of it until I was pregnant with our 2nd child (DS). I say supposedly because he’s refused to take a paternity test.
Now, 5 years later, I left the relationship and he keeps hoovering. But in between he neglected everything to do with our children from playdates,birthdays, dedications,and he’s even stolen my children’s education funds to please AP and throw lavish parties & holidays for his son with the AP. on the days he has our son he secretly takes him to AP’s mother’s house. She still lives at home …and forces him to play with him just to pleas the AP yet the last time he took our kids for any activities was March 2023. Today I have put my foot down and told him I want our children to have nothing to do with his AP or their son because should the truth ever come out regarding paternity , It is our kids who’ll bear the brunt of it after suffering neglect while he favours him. I told him I refuse to have my kids be a pawn to sort his mess. AITA for drawing a line in the sand and saying I want my children to stay away from this whole mess?
NTA, but FYI – hoovering = vacuuming
I assume you mean he’s been hovering (hanging around)?
I do think, however, that you cannot possibly enforce this and that if that *is* your child’s half sibling that goes doubly so. If he marries the AP you also will not be able to keep your kids away from their step siblings on the grounds of “you don’t like them hanging out”
Unless you have full custody and he only has supervised visitation I’m not sure you get a say on who he sees on his custody time provided they are not endangering or upsetting your kids. So your options are:
Go for full custody with visitation only for dad
Or
Hope he agrees to your conditions
What’s best for your children? The answer lies there ESH
NTA
… however, I’m pretty sure you’ll need a court order to enforce it. Otherwise, it’ll be you “putting your foot down” and him doing whatever he wants when the kids are with him.
ESH.
What is best for the children?
It probably isn’t having no relationship with a half sibling, is it?
Go to court, make custody and child support binding: but don’t expect the Court to agree that your kids can have no contact with your husband’s other child.
Your priority is protecting your children from being dragged into his affair drama. he neglected them. stole from them and now ants to use them as pawns. Drawing that boundary isn’t cruel, it’s the healthiest choice for your kids.
The courts aren’t going to cut his rights off without significant evidence of abuse/abandonment/neglect and trying to cut children off from their half-sibling ain’t gonna hold up, either. Legally, if he was a custodian of the accounts, that’s technically his money to decide what to do with even if the children are listed as beneficiaries. OP needs to be careful lest she ends up with accusations of parental alienation, which most family courts do not take well to.
Doesn’t mean it’s fair or right, but OP should be realistic about what her rights actually are here. She needs something worked out in court, like, yesterday.
Don’t ask Reddit, you need a lawyer
INFO: Are you more interested in doing what’s best for your kids or in trying to hurt your ex? FWIW, my brother did something similar, not quite so extreme in the favoritism. I feel sorry for both your kids and for the AP’s son. They’re completely innocent and will likely all suffer because their father is a complete AH.
Try loving your children more than you hate your ex.
Your children SHOULD have a healthy relationship with their father and half-sibling for their mental health.
It’s also not the AP’s child’s fault that they exist, you shouldn’t want to psychologically damage that child too by keeping them from their siblings.
I feel you need to try to get a grip of your own personal feelings of betrayal and jealousy to do what’s best for all 3 siblings, otherwise this could come back to bite you in the arse when they’re older. Kids go NC over far less than this.
Sounds like dad will do a good job on his own of them hating him later in life anyway, just be the better person here for your kids and advocate for fairer treatment with his extended family.
It’s not even jealousy. Would you be ok if someone withdrew all the savings you had been keeping for your kids to use of another woman and their child? Your hard earned money?
The father doesn’t come around for her kids. He comes around to take them to his ap house. There is no healthy relationship. Plus, that relationship is on HIM. It is not on the mother to ensure the father parents or develops a relationship.
As for the potential half sibling, these are young children whose parents SHOULD make decisions for. They can choose differently when they’re old enough to choose AND maintain a relationship without anyone else’s assistance. (Ie can drive to see each other on their own).
ESH- Of course your ex is a mess, but you are unloading your trauma onto your children. You know what children remember, animosity between parents. Even if you are thinking of them it plays into his hand to have you be the crazy unreasonable parent.
You need to go to court and figure out some sort of settlement. If he’s being neglectful you have to have the courts define his responsibility and then let him screw it up and have the legal system hold him accountable
That’s not something you can or should control. What you do need to sort out is what custody looks like, and document where your ex doesn’t turn up, so you can use that in court.
It’s up to your ex to facilitate the relationship between your kids and their half sibling. It’s not up to you because you’re not related to that kid. A judge wouldn’t look kindly on you interfering in that relationship.
A judge would however consider if you brought documented evidence of how your ex has neglected their responsibilities towards his/your kids, and that may affect how much custody he is awarded.
YWBTA if you try to prevent your kids from having a relationship with their sibling, although I understand where you are coming from and how difficult this situation must be for you.
ESH. hes a crappy dad. Youre trying to stop a sibling relationship which is not in any of the childrens best interests. Go to court and therapy. Put the kids first for a while